I Survive

Waiting for the day

This storm will pass and leave my life

It only makes me stronger

I don't want to wait,

But all that has been on my mind

Is how much longer?

-We Came As Romans, I Survive.

○------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------○

It only takes one cut to destroy a life.

I never planned on getting addicted. It was just supposed to be a way to deal with the pain. The first cut hurt, a lot, but the pain was different. After a few seconds, or maybe it was minutes the pain was gone, replaced with relief. Cutting is like a drug. The relief, the high, only lasts for a short time. You end up finding yourself cutting again, and again, to feel that relief. You get addicted to that relief, the high. Soon you find that to feel that relief, the high, you have to cut deeper and deeper. You don’t –I didn't care though, because for the moments after the cut, the hit, I felt the relief, the high. I didn't want to stop, not completely anyway, even if I knew this drug would kill me.

The relief from the pain, the sadness, was worth it. Depression, it’s like your drowning. You're alive, but you can't breathe. With each breath you try to take the harder it is to breathe. You're sinking, and trying to get to the surface, but you can't seem to get close. And once you reach the surface, and take a deep breath, you end up sinking again. Deeper than you once were. The deeper you sink the longer it takes to reach the surface: and every time you reach the surface, you sink deeper than before. You repeatedly climb to the surface, just to sink again. This process makes you numb, you can’t feel anything at all. At first, this numbness, it’s a blessing. Then you find yourself wishing just to feel something, anything, even if it is pain. Eventually the numb fades, leaving you at the bottom. You can’t sink anymore, and you can’t reach the surface either. You start wishing for death here, more than you ever had. The only thing that helped me climb, was the razor.

No matter what though, you'll always end up at the bottom. Death seems like it’s the only solution, the only escape.

This was my life.

○------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------○

Happiness; a state of well-being and contentment: joy.

That’s what the dictionary says happiness is. Personally, I think happiness is much more than that. It’s reading your favorite book, or waking up to find presents under your tree on Christmas. It’s singing to your favorite song and dancing around like a weirdo. Happiness is so much more than you can put into words. It’s the best feeling in the world. No matter how many times you feel happy, you’ll always want to feel it again. It’s that wonderful. People never realize how close to happiness they are. I never did. But no matter how wonderful it feels, it’s so easy to forget it. It’s so easy to let someone or something make it disappear. At the same time though it’s just as easy to feel it once again.

For the longest time recovery seemed like a distant dream. I never thought I’d ever reach it, so I never tried. It wasn’t until someone pushed me to try. Until I was given a reason, until my eyes were opened. I was shown that the little things in life, they are worth fighting for. Recovery it’s not an easy thing, but the outcome is worth the work. Recovery, to me was freedom. A fresh start.

I owe Ashley so much. She opened my eyes. She showed me what was right in front of me. Her friendship, her love, was the reason I tried; the reason I recovered. If it weren’t for her, I don’t know where I’d be now. I don’t know if I’d even be here. All I know, is she showed me how to live again.

It only takes one person, to save a life.

○-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------○

I've never been so torn up in all of my life,

I should have seen this coming.

I've never felt so hopeless,

Than I do tonight.

I don't wanna do this anymore, I'm moving on.

-Asking Alexandria, Moving On.