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140,868 Literary Works • 673,696 Reviews
So! I don't know if you're still interested in this poem or not, but since I bugged you, I figured I would give you a critique.
This was an interesting poem, and I loved seeing the contrasts between the now and then scenarios. It's very true! The boy thing in particular made me chuckle... I've heard that one before!
Anyway, one thing that you mentioned that you didn't quite resolve...
First of all, I thought this was pretty significant because you address "you" instead of "she." I don't know if you intended to do that, but I just wanted to let you know that I found that interesting. I'm not sure what you intended with it, but whatever.
Another curiosity was the mommy's warning. I kept on wondering what that warning was. I mean, my mom never gave me a warning. So I think that idea is really worth expanding on! It'll give a neat perspective on things, anyway.
See you around!
Aloha Libby! It's Jessica!
I thought this was really cute, : ) Good job!
Right there, you kinda lost your flow and your rhyme. By the way, try and capitalize each line when you get a chance.
I like the meaning on this poem and with a little revising it could be great!
: D
- Jessica
Thanks thanks thanks.
Will edit when I get the time.
Are you trying to show why it is very hard to be an adult or maybe a teenager? Well, you met what is needed. You precisely paint the picture of how teens can't understand the meaning of being teens. As what I have said, it is nice. And I see you have yourself as an example just to come up with this poem.
Next time, All first letters on every line should be capitalized! Try to edit that thing. It is small but you should give attention to it.
Keep on writing.
I like your poem mostly because it's really true. Girls go through a lot. I like the flow but it kind of sounded cliche in the begginging. But sometimes it is hard to avoid those *sighs*. Anyway, I can't say much because everyone has pretty much covered the spots.
~Ladypurple.
Lol Shubbi Yess you can its funny.
Thank you guys for all the suggestions!
They're helping
I'm totally new to the whole poet thingy.
Alll the tips helped and the critique.
But this is just gonna stay a little project im working on right now.
Thanksss AGAIN!
Love, Libby
Hey Libby Dibby(May I call you this?) I didn't check that you had put a new link there.
here you should do away with the word 'very' as it's stopping the flow of the story and it seems very nice otherwise.The problem I had with this was it's construction. It should be 'listened' here, instead of 'listen'. Secondly, to make both o lines sort of symmetrical you can add 'have' after would in the second line. Now after the corrections, you read the two lines again, and you would find they seem much better.
Well, as Chetan said this topic was cute, and very well touched my nerve. But my other thing would be that it was way too short and for a topic like this, you could have expanded a lot since you yourself are a girl and very well understand the pain and everything. When we are familiar with a topic, then it's very easy to elaborate on it, and everything comes naturally.
Besides this, I would like to say that whatever you wrote was a bit of vague. you told it's difficult to grow up, especially for a girl, but how? If you explain this question, then I think that this poem would much more deep and logical.
Other than this, I think you're a better poet than you're a writer. There were many mistakes while I checked on your novel, but here I couldn't find much, so that's surely a good thing. Other than this, I just want to tell that I am no good at poetry , so if I said anything which you don't think is correct then confirm it from someone before changing it.
That's all for now. I would get back to your story soon.
~Shubhi
Hey Libby,
Your rhyme scheme is forced in places. Dolls and malls is tenuous, and doesn't sound good. Worst of all, you start rhyming and then give up half-way through and there's no real reason why -- did you just give up on it? It gets off on a decent start bu then loses all consistency of rhythm. Which is sad, because I think you actually had a chance to present this topic as a sort of comparison of growth -- you started these images (dolls/malls), but then moved into more cliche territory, about not listening to your mother. I think these would have been stronger if you'd stuck with the ideas from the first two lines.
Good luck.
Hello there
This is definitely a different topic from what I see every day. It was a start. I think though that it was not the most creative approach towards the topic. At first it was bubbly and you tried to keep consistent rhyming but then it lost it's spark and became bland. I was expecting the beat or some sort of coordinated flow that you started in the first two lines to persist through out the poem...think about it. You should continue writing poems, this was good for a first try.
Keep writing
Quite little but cute poem!