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The Horrid God

by LewisPencastle2

In a land too large for those smaller

Was that which looked on them in squalor

And with that one be caught in the eye

Of a horrid god, colossal to describe

An inward atrium beaming down

Ringed with green, a glassy crown

An evil abyss with dot of white

From what faint light shone its might

Peeking out from a pocket in fleshy space

Black tendrils flash shut with gallant pace

But soon such beast ascends on high

Having lost its interest in the dismal fly

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317 Reviews

Points: 1455
Reviews: 317

Sun Jul 14, 2019 3:01 am
Horisun wrote a review...

Oh, wow, that was great!
I loved the twist at the end! I was expecting some heartbreaking, crying out, fearful, poem about a false god, or something, but no... This was awesome!
There was one tiny thing I feel I should point out, and that's that in nearly every line, you have a rhyme, except for, "one be caught in the eye, of a horrid god, colossal to describe" No rhyme. I don't know, maybe that's just me.
Amazing poem! Instant like! And welcome to YWS, I think you'll like it here!

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364 Reviews

Points: 15980
Reviews: 364

Thu Jul 11, 2019 1:36 am
zaminami wrote a review...

Hello, LewisPencastle2! Welcome to YWS! What is your preferred nickname, I must ask, so that I know what to call you? :)

I'm actually a pretty rusty reviewer - it's been a while, haha, but I'm getting back into it! - so don't be put-off by any bluntness that you might see. Also, be sure to know that you absolutely do not have to take anything I say seriously.

First off, I must say that this poem is probably one of the best rhyming poems that I've ever seen on YWS! I'm surprised - especially since you're new - and rhyming poems are so hard to do. Believe me, I know. I've done quite a few in my time. The only rhyme that might be iffy is the off-rhyme of "eye" and "describe", but even those are perfect off-rhymes of each other and still fits within the flow of the poem! Good job!

Going off of that, I do appreciate the crazy amount of detail in the poem. I could picture the horrid god's eye easily, as well as the atrium and I could feel - feel it! - how the god saw it's pray. You had amazing wording with the last line, talking about "the dismal fly". I knew exactly what you meant, and it was also cryptic enough for me to think a little.

In the beginning, however, it's a lot more cryptic than the middle and the end. I don't really understand what is going on in the first three lines; what is "those", and "that", and "that one"? You're too vague here, which is jarring compared to the rest of the poem, which is so detailed.

Where did the black tendrils come from? I would add another couplet between the "-ace" and "-igh/-y" lines to explain where they came from and what it exactly means with "shut with gallant pace". This part is also a little vague, but not nearly as much as the first three lines mentioned above.

A nitpick here: in the "-igh" line, I think that you mean "said beast" instead of "such beast", which would flow better and make the audience understand more of what you mean. In fact, I actually read "such" as "said" at first, and then it confused me when I reread the piece more carefully and I realized that it said "such", haha.

Anyway, that's all for today! Ciao~!

- zami

Thanks. I'm sorry i don't know if you picked up on it but it was describing a human eye looking down at a fly (Black tendrils= eyelashes, black abyss with dot of white=pupil, etc.) I feel like I should say that somewhere because again it is pretty cryptic. Thanks for the technical advice again.

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