Once Upon A Dream

Hi felistia here. I would like to write a review.

I like all the colours and the general imagery, it sets the stage well, but there is room for more. In the sentence (He gracefully laced his fingers around mine, causing my heart to pace, threatening to break out of its cage.) I like the concept, but it could be better. You could say (He gracefully laced his fingers around mine, causing my heart to beat like a bird trying to break out of its cage.) just an idea. You don't have to change it, it was just an opinion.

I am a little confused with the dialogue. It's alright to have interruptions, but not every line, it starts to get a little distracting.

It is still a great piece of work, well done.

I love the imagery. The way you used your adjectives; heavenly, mundane, magical. These words set the mood and the tone, as well as the setting. I especially liked how you incorporated the feeling of your heart "threatening to break out of its cage". This is an excellent piece.

Hey there, Lemisa!

So this was a pretty sweet story, but I do see some room for improvement. First of all, I was a little confused with the dialogue and interruptions throughout. I think I know what you're trying to do--is the character hearing the song and thinking at the same time? If so, I think you still need to make it known, and putting the song title at the end isn't enough. Make reference to earphones hanging, or maybe the character looks at the movie playing, or something. That way, we know the context behind the dialogue and the interruptions without having to sit in confusion until the end.

Secondly, there were some grammar errors I've noticed. First one would be the second line, where you wrote: I slowly glanced up at the stranger, random flecks of candlelight danced in his eyes. This is incorrect because you're trying to join two independent sentences together, when they really should stand alone. Instead, you could separate them by a period or a semi-colon, or rewrite the sentence so that it's no longer a comma splice. Another major error I saw was the colons you used in the fifth line. There are very few reasons why you should use colons in creative writing, and this is not one of them. You can easily separate these lines by commas and periods, or (again) rewriting it.
For example, you could do: Nervously, I brushed my hair out of my eyes. Heat boiled in my cheeks as my mind raced, debating on what to do next.

Lastly, I'm not entirely sure what's going on here at all. Is this person with their significant other? If so, why do they call him a stranger? Are they meeting this person for the first time? If so, what's with the sudden intimacy? Things kind of don't add up for me here because you give me nothing to infer from other than movements. Why don't you let us in on where they are, what's going on around them, or who they are to each other (or better yet, who they are as people). I'm basically getting nothing about these characters other than actions and inner feelings, which isn't quite enough.

If you consider these things, I'm sure the story would be much stronger and hold a better impact. If you've got any questions about what I've stated above or if you'd like me to clarify something, feel free to hit me up. Have a great day/night!