Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well this was a fun little story to read here. Loved the vibe being created there right from the start and that undertone of humor amidst all the flirting going on here is just a lot of fun to read.

Anyway let's get right to it,

"Come on, let me do it for you!" You offer, picking up the bottle containing a 3 minute clay mask. "No, I can do it myself!" He whines, purposely acting like a five year old to gain your full attention. He already had by being in your prescence. The bottle clicks as you flick it open, squeezing a blob of the mixture onto your index finger.

With a spare hand you pat your knee, as if you're calling over a dog, "Let me be mother."

He slouches, deforming his tall structure, answering back, "Isn't that what someone says when they offer to pour tea?" Cocking his head. Your face reddens- you knew that! You just wanted to sound fancy to impress this boy mess before you.

Quickly you turn blocking his view of your crimson splashed face. "Just sit down on the chair!" You demand. Cautiously, he follows orders. You cover his forehead, delicately, in clay; mastering every bump and smothering every blemish. Playfully you place a blob of the stuff on the tip of his pointed nose, using the rest to outline his cheekbones: so smooth, so chiselled. Just how you liked it!

Though a certain thought continues to cross your mind. How did you get this? You had no idea, and you don't really care.

Uncomfortable, he changes seating area by moving to the desk. Great, because you totally wanted his butt imprinted in oak. Once the clay's dry, you soak a cotton pad in lukewarm water starting from his chin upwards. Only so slightly are his eyes shut. Allowing you time to have a closer look at his long lashes- beautiful. You realise you've stopped your actions, trying hard not to think twice you've become attracted to this mess. The boy, not the clay.

Height makes it a challenge to reach his creased forehead, adorable. Warm breath tickles your face as the couple freeze in time. You are experiencing something unique. You're in a room with a boy alone. Sure, you're wiping a clay mask off his face, but in some ways...it's romantic.

"Hey, I can't reach. Could you move slightly." He nods, shuffling further back down the desk, creating space between his legs to place your knees. Once again your face splashes crimson as he supports your waist with a firm grip. You're even closer to him. Who would've heard of personal space after witnessing this?

Clearing your throat, you thank him with a whisper to the ear. Heart paces faster, as his breath reflects off your bare shoulder. Surely he could hear that?! Surely?! Starting from the sides, only do you clock the type of position you're in. Hands shake.

You do love him....admit it.

Definitely romantic, you gulp

Hi there Lemisa! Niteowl here to review for Team Avada Kedavra this fine Review Day!

Overall, I found this snippet quite interesting and enjoyable. The second person actually works pretty well here. Just a couple things I'd like to point out:

The line "Let me be mother." This feels so odd and unromantic that it clashes with what comes next. I Googled to see what was up with the tea thing...and this piece is on the first page, which suggests to me that it's not that common a phrase. I think a more casual/friendly phrasing would be more in line with the rest of the piece.

The phrase "crimson splashed". I have a bit of a pet peeve about the word "crimson". It's used a LOT as a synonym for red. Around here, I usually see it in reference to blood, so I was really confused why blood kept showing up on her face. Some more natural phrases might be "you blush", "your cheeks reddened", "your flushed face".

Uncomfortable, he changes seating area by moving to the desktop.

Warm breath tickles your face as the couple freeze in time.

Who would've heard of personal space after witnessing this?

Hey, Lemisa. Margo here for a review.

This piece is different. I like different. I get that these are two teenagers. A girl and a guy who are seemingly friends (but maybe want to be more). The boy has an acne problem and the girl offers to put a face mask on him to help clear his skin. It is sort of romantic.

Perhaps to eliviate confusion you could develop the relationship between these two a little more. Experiment with using first person tense instead of second person tense. This way you can have the girl explain her situation with the acne prone boy. Is he a childhood friend of hers that she always secretly loved? Is it love at first sight? How did they meet? What is the boy like personality wise? Try answering some of these questions in this piece to further develop the characters.

I think this could be a very cute moment. An unorthodox romance. Continue to develop this idea and remember: a good story is never finished.

--MS

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I'm officially confused. Just what..? I thought the boy was actually a 5 year old because he was acting like one in your story and I thought the girl was the mother. And then I'm like: Wait.. what? Why are they being romantic? This is just weird because she's rubbing acne cream on his face and they suddenly love each other. What the heck? Maybe you could make it a little more clear.

It's just weird... no offense of course.