Author's Note: Just saying, this is actually happening right now and I feel real heartsick as I'm typing this in real time, so yeah. Don't judge me for everything I'm gonna say. By the way, please don't correct me on grammar or anything like that. I just want to express my feelings to someone who'll never love me.
- My Mr. Lovely -
Man, how did I fall for you?
Is everyone right?
Do I have a type?
Last time I checked,
Sam wasn't exactly the nicest of people I would've liked.
But you're so polite!
Did you know that Grethe told me that?
You talk to her so much!
And I only talked to you once,
ever.
As in, 6th period, before the bell rang
on Wednesday.
But the way you smile with your friends,
and how you always talk to the girly Rick, even though he isn't gay,
makes me real happy.
But I wish you could talk to me,
I try so hard to get that nauseous feeling out!
And I try so hard to keep my nervous tick from showing.
And I've been trying to lose weight, so maybe I can be in Cross Country.
Like you.
But in a way, I guess I should be myself.
You can't exactly love me if I pretend to be the perfect person for you.
The perfect girl.
But, just look at you!
Your tan skin, beautiful in the sunlight.
Your black hair that flips to both sides as you run, very sexy may I add.
The way you're determined to play the saxophone and swoon girls, even if you never said it.
And your eyes, oh god your eyes.
From a distance, they look hazel, then gray, then almost yellow.
But I never knew until I talked to you.
They're light green.
God, I've never liked someone with such beautiful eyes.
Cliche may I add that your last name is MacDonald.
But I think I like the ring of it.
Lake MacDonald.
Do you like the ring to it, too?
Cause I certainly do!
I'm working on it.
Ok?
I want you to love me, the way I love you.
And I don't want to pretend.
I've never wanted to try before with other one-sided crushes.
And after I spoke only a few English words to you,
I really want to confess.
I want to tell you everything.
Since the third day of Band Camp.
I want to tell you how I feel.
I don't want you to say a word.
I just want you to listen.
And after I'm finished,
just smile at me, the way you do to other girls.
I want to be yours.
And I want you to love me,
just like the way I want you to.
Even though I know you'll never will.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Hey,
Sorry this has taken me forever to get to! I just wanted to leave you a few comments...
Specifics
1. The half rhymes work nicely and I'm enjoying it so far! I think this line is particularly interesting as it has a certain realism to it:
2. I'm not sure I understand the relevance of this part - it would help to understand why this is unexpected behaviour? Is it because Rick normally gets teased a lot?
Overall
I think it's great to express your feelings like this and if it results in good poetry then perhaps something good can come out of tough moments in our lives. I think the form is a little rough and it could have clearer stanzas/ less run on lines, by which I mean some of the lines are very prosaic and stand out a bit. But the emotions are strong and for the most part it feels very honest and that makes it very easy to connect to the persona, or I suppose to you in this case.
I'm not going to go into this too deeply because I think you're right that personal poetry like this doesn't need to be too heavily critiqued but I hope you can learn from it and put those emotions into good use in later writing!
~Heather
Thank you!!!!! And I had no idea your real name was Heather! I haven't even seen a Heather in my entire life until now! By the way, I love that name, so interesting and unique! But thank you! Rick isn't gay, but he acts like it only because like, last Thursday, he had said that when you act like your gay, you get so many more friends. I was like, I would've been friends with you anyway even if you weren't!XD Man, Thursday night was great!
Haha, thanks, it's not a very common name where I live either, though I've met a few other Heathers before
And ah, that makes more sense now and I kind of understand what he means as I think people who are gay or who act in a similar way tend to be more open, understanding people and are often more lively too so it's very easy to be friends with them! Glad you had a good night Thursday
Thank you! Marching Band Practice is always fun when you have the people in my class!XD
WOW! This is an amazing poem. This poem shares a strong feel. I like the way you have written it. The patrs where you have described the person is admirable and painted a handsome picture in my mind.
This following lines are hilarious. I loved it!!
A person longing get some attention from his/her love is beautifully portrayed here.
The following lines made me admire your writing.
WOW! I loved these lines. You have set yourself apart in these very lines. The description about the eyes and adjoining his name to yours are pure thoughts which one in love woud long for. You wrote in just naturally. IMPRESSIVE!This piece of poem is certainly unique.
This was really painful. And, man, this line just smile at me, the way you do to other girls. I just don't know what to say. It shared a deep insight. I loved this poem.
Thanks for the tag. Looking forward for more of your works!
Keep up the awesome writing!!
Love,
Sree
OMG! I THINK THIS IS LIKE.....THE BEST REVIEW I HAVE EVER GOTTEN SINCE I HAVE BEEN ON YWS! WTF!? THANKS YOUS SO FREAKING MUCH!!!!!!!!
IT'S BEEN A PLEASURE!! This poem was awesome!! Keep up the writing! <3
STAY HAPPY!!
First off before I get into the review, I can relate to this so much! A few months ago I had a horrible break up to the point where my ex and his friends began bullying me. Thankfully I’ve moved on and even got a new boyfriend who treats me right. Oh love is so mysterious, go for the jerk when you have a nice guy right in front. However, this is a review. I like to start off with the good. You really captured the feeling of heart break and it’s relatable. The main thing I found a little annoying was the overuse of italics. I feel they were over kill. I understand your emphasis on the word love but with the bold and crossed out words I think the readers get the just. Other than that great poem! Btw I know this is chiche and I got pissed whenever someone said it but you will fall in love again hopefully with someone who you can be with.
I haven't said that I'm heartbroken, that's the problem, I'm having a problem trying to tell him I like him, or even asking if he knows, like damn it! But yeah, tbh, I really don't think I'll be in love with someone who will like me back, not even possible! im super unattractive.
Booooooiiiiiiiiii! In that case try because you%u2019ll regret it later and I can assure you, you%u2019re beautiful and if your personality is as great as your writing then any guy would like you. Just take the risk it%u2019s worth it. Sorry that I misunderstood your poem btw.
It's perfectly fine! If I was reading, I'm sure I would've assumed someone broke the writer's heart, so you're technically not in the wrong. Don't worry about it fren!
Awww, Lake *hugs*
Oh gosh this is beautiful. I love it wow.
Awww! Thank yous!XD You made my day!
Oh Lake. *hug*
I don't know what to say.
I understand these feelings. I really do. Everyone does. I promise you that.
I hope things pan out well for you. I hope they do...
The poem was good, as usual. Nice pace, format and spelling, along side grammar. I quite liked the strike out. It made the poem all the more of what it is.
Here's another hug *hug*
Oh Lake. *hug*
I don't know what to say.
I understand these feelings. I really do. Everyone does. I promise you that.
I hope things pan out well for you. I hope they do...
The poem was good, as usual. Nice pace, format and spelling, along side grammar. I quite liked the strike out. It made the poem all the more of what it is.
Here's another hug *hug*
Thanks!XD, To be honest, I just think of Aiden like all the time, causing those bittersweet pangs in my chest. Very fun and painful might I add.
You're telling that to a person in a log distance relationship.
o_o
sorry.
No no no! I was being... Sympathetic.
oh.....my bad...
Its perfectly fine!
Holy cracker barrel. This is so good and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I feel for you boo, <3
@KaiRyu, @AriannaC, @LemonTheDorkyPanda, @Saen, @Sheyren, @TheSilverFox, @Thundahguy, @Arcticus, @Saruka, @RavenLord, @Flumadiddle, @Danni88, @Lumi, @Carina, @WritingPrincess, @BiruKun, @BeTheChange, @MJTucker, @Holysocks, @DivinePrincess, @snowmonkey9, @elysian, @EternalRain, @Sree, @Spilledink, @Omnom, @DarkPandemonium, @TheBlueCat, @Kresle, @Iggy, @Evander, @woahhitherepal, @GodHatesShane, @ZeldaIsShiek, @Rydia, @ALLTHEOTHERSIFORGOTABOUT!SORRY
Hey! Thanks for the tag- but what's it for? Are you looking for feedback on your poem?
It's just for the people who want to read it, a lot of people I tagged, (which are all the people I saw following me) don't read it anyways, which I don't mind. I just do it for the people who do, even if some don't.