Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
Trigger warning~
the silence sheds tears like the skin of the old wallpaper
that hangs in tatters on her bedroom wall.
the faded flowers smell of rancid perfume.
she's tried to scrub it off, but there's no end to the layers
too many layers like her skin
peel one back, start another
she's an onion of blood and sinew that never ends no matter how hard she tries.
she's been deafened by her own screams at night,
teeth biting her lips into bleeding crescents.
but really the screams are whispers against blades and cups of coffee.
the only two things keeping her alive.
if she painted the stars on the celling above her head
she could pretend she was lying in the grass
as the dandelions grew around her head
halos that never reach heaven.
she's done trying, she vows, one day she'll reach the core
and the seeds of her efforts will fall like tiny diamonds onto the carpet
to be hidden and scrubbed away once more.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Yo Sparkie!
So, the start of the poem "silence shed tears" is like y'ieck. Boring. Too much like "silent tears" which is very emo-toned.
But this:
Image-wise is so much more interesting. For one, it's more organic and less abstract. I think of condensation lining the walls and ripped up rooms and that image alone communicates dreariness and sadness without even the mention of tears or silence (which is later juxtaposed by the screams?)
Crazy onion wallpaper is so sick. I love it. The image itself is kind of creepy, but also suggestive of what I took to be the poem's larger themes of finding oneself(digging deep), not being comfortable in your own skin, etc. One thing I would recommend for that latter half of the 1st stanza: watch the repetitions. This I kind of went over in a previous review. This time it wasn't too distracting, but I remember the echoing 'layers' going off in my head and I thought at least to mention it.
Also! Watch out for spelling on "ceiling" in that 3rd stanza.While I appreciate the experimentation in the break of lines (The line: "the only two things keeping her alive") I don't quite understand why'd you emphasize that line, or what effect you are going for? Is it meant to sound delineated/longer pause? I guess when I read it, I have the thoughts flow one after another, so for me it's more distracting to have that white space between those thoughts.
So when I read this, I interpreted this line based on the previous stanza - where it talks about her optimism and daydreams/pretending to (be peaceful? free? in a happy place? spiritually good?- like with the halos?) By that last stanza, she's quit pretending/trying, as she knows this is not reality. The "core" I can only suggest might be the inner walls that she is trying to peel apart?
If so, what a chilling way to bring it back to its full circle.
~ Auds
Thanks darling!
Well, I guess I took a complete opposite reading of this poem against Vivian's take!
At first I thought that the narrator of the poem was being abused by someone. Hence the desire to constantly scrub, the screams at night, and the focus on the ceiling over her head. That may still be the case, but after reading it through a few times, I'm more convinced that she's abusing herself by cutting her wrists. Blades are keeping her alive, and the blood that drips away is kind of a bittersweet revelation for her, which is why she compares it to diamonds falling onto the carpet to be scrubbed away later (in addition, there's the comparison of tearing away at wallpaper to peeling her skin like layers of an onion).
Not sure if that's a correct interpretation or not, but there are a few things that bothered me structurally about the poem.
Overall, this poem is pretty subtle, but the second of these two lines is like a sledgehammer! I think the wallpaper and skin analogy is already pretty well made by this point; by stating it so directly, it kind of detracts from the rest of the piece.
I didn't really like the repetition of "her head." It came off sounding very odd and just a little bit clunky. Plus, the first instance isn't even necessary since I think it's safe to assume that the reader knows that the ceiling is above her head!
Also, a couple of spelling errors. "Celling" should be "ceiling," and "cresents" should be "crescents."
Just quoting this part because I really, really like it. If there's one thing I would change, it would be to replace "that hangs" with just "hanging." However, these three lines are beautifully evocative, and really help to set a tone of decay and forlorn hope for the rest of the piece.
Overall, an interesting poem. Thank you for sharing it.
"if she painted the stars on her 'ceiling' above her head
she could pretend she was lying in the grass"
I like these lines they give the poem a peaceful dreamy state. It's a good poem, but I don't really see how it's dramatic. But maybe that's just me. _-- The first stanza is kind of horrific, but it's a very good metaphor or simile.