Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Brittle bones snap when she bends over
into a crescent to hold onto the last remnants
of strength she holds in her empty head,
empty hole where a heart never was
trying so hard to keep it all in.
She's burned away every portion of anything she ever hated
so she can't see it when she looks through her lashes
dull aching eyes begging for someone to look up
just look.
Goddamn, she thinks, I'm screwed already.
Pushing her fingers to the ceramic,
holding onto the only thing that's always there--
promising the void will close if she spills her secrets
to the only thing that will listen.
Screams come out a whisper when you try to cry out
through a cracked and bloody throat that's been ripped to shreds.
The last thing she remembers is the cold tile opening it's arms
and accepting her body and cradling her into a slumber.
The fire was lost when she threw it to the wind,
it burnt out like that ring of flesh around her bleeding lips
that holds the last promise she uttered
There's a better world out there, when you look hard enough.
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129,978 Literary Works • 671,511 Reviews
Hey there!!!! It's MysteryMe, here for a review!!!!
..
Wow... just wow. This left me speechless. Your concept was undeniably meaningful, and you expressed that concept in such a beautiful way that it would be impossible not to be impressed by this. To be honest, I kind of found it hard to understand at some parts, but that may just be my fault. I'm not too much of a poem person, so I have trouble with vagueness. Regardless, I enjoyed reading this, and I hope you continue writing more poems.
The flow was very nice, and the word choice you used was simply stunning. So many of your lines gave me goosebumps from how much meaning and beauty they held, and I also found a lot of truth in this. Your emotions were raw, and overall theres not much to criticize. You did a good job with this
The first line 'brittle bones snap when she bends over' immediately hooked me, from the sheer power of that sentence. That was a great starter, and the rest of that paragraph was pretty good, too.
My favorite stanza was...
"Goddamn, she thinks, I'm screwed already. Pushing her fingers to the ceramic,
holding onto the only thing that's always there--
promising the void will close if she spills her secrets
to the only thing that will listen."
Just perfect. That's all I can say.
Well, I hope this helped!!! Keep writing!!!
Hiya there, review time!
I think I'll take this stanza by stanza, but it's also absolutely fab - so thank you for writing it.
The first stanza drew me in quite quickly and I definitely liked that, though I was wondering about how you've phrased it. It doesn't fully make sense, though I guess this sort of topic never really does. I would put a 'that' after 'strength' on the second line. The 'empty hole' part although sounds fantastic on its own, also doesn't make sense in the way it's been written - maybe try put 'an' in front of it? Otherwise, this is great.
The third stanza (the second is fantastic, so I don't see any improvements there) has the singular mild problem of 'pushing her fingers to the ceramic' being on maybe the wrong line. I'd push it down a line, just to make it more aesthetically pleasing. The wording and the poetry itself though - wow.
Well, actually, that's the only improvements I have. I think this is a fantastic job well done, and I really like it. I think your words definitely reminded me of some pretty bad stuff, but at the same time, they made me so happy because I knew that I never went as far as your protagonist. I don't know if that's what you were aiming for, but that's what I felt. Thank you and please keep writing.
- Bethany
Hello there! Doug here to review you!
First of all I would like to say that this is a fantastic poem. I really like all of the metaphors that you use, especially "The stars are a blanket that doesn't keep her warm." I like this one because it not only uses a metaphor, but also a contradiction, which I thought was pretty clever.
"She's burned away any portion of anything she's ever hated." This kind of sunk in for me, because I actually know someone like this in my life.
I don't really have anything to criticize about it, sorry! I'm not that good at criticizing poems, but I can at least tell you that you did a good job in my eyes!