A/N Don't even ask, I have no idea.
i dreamt i was a woman in white
and that you were black like my blood
that drips from my finger tips when i scratch too long.
i dreamt you didn't hold me and they ripped me to pieces
and my skin was shreds against your lips.
i never thought i had a soul till i saw stars.
i dreamt i was a woman in white
and my blood had dried on the bathroom floor
faded pink like your heart.
i never believed in Gabriel until i saw God.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello Sparks!
I think that was my favorite line.I really like this poem. Especially the deep, thick essence it had to it. (I sat there for a long time trying to figure out what I was trying to say, but I can't phrase it any better than a deep, thick essence.) It's kind of like your poem has its own heart beat, like it's moaning so low in our minds that we can't hear it. I felt this way the most when you can to the line,
This had some great images; I could definitely visualize every line.
I felt like the first two stanzas and the second to last stanza don't fit with the rest of the poem. Well, it does in terms of language, but as for the actual theme of souls and heaven and everything... I just feel you could tie it in better. For example, I was left wondering how the "mask" had anything to do with those parts with the golden carriage.
I like the little bit of structure you have here.
All together I thought it was a really good poem with a great underlying tone. ^_^
Keep writing!
~fortis
Hey!!
I find this very visually active, this one gets the reader visualising things as he reads through it. But u kept wandering here and there making it difficult for me to fix on one particular vision . You have this dark style of writing which I very much enjoyed. Especially the penultimate stanza " I dreamt I was a woman in white......" was more like the bathroom scene from the movie psycho! Overall a pretty neat job, i would say.
-Usero !
Hi hi hi. So! There's lots of cool stuff in this and lots of not-so-cool stuff. I really, really like some of the things you've got going on here, but they need some love and attention. First off, watching your pacing. Some things need to be snipped a bit to sound smoother. Try reading it aloud and finding a natural rhythm in talking, and then adapt your poem to fit it. This is clumsy in parts.
Next, a lot of this is parataxic. That means that there's a lot of disjointedness and parts of the poem that don't quite fit together. You have the same theme throughout, yes, but there are some images that stick out rather noticeably. There's a LOT that could be cut from this poem. Probably about half, at least. Try to make this tightly knit. In the case of this poem, I think succinctness and strength will add a whole lot, especially if it feels like this is one big chunk of one thing, rather than a lot of little chunks of a lot of somethings.
Anyway lemme know if you have any questions or anything.
Thanks lovely! <3
I'm actually editing as we speak, you're totally right about most of it needing cut.