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139,355 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
The King never left. Tis only time took his glance.
His past still reminds him all too much.....of so few. But one.
He now treads among the shadows you have left.
(P.S. the poem was well-written. Not sure what all these fools are talking about bahaha)
Hello ladypurple!!
I'm hanorah and I'll be reviewing your poem today!
First of all, Nice work.Its really heartbreaking to read a poem like this, I'm sure lots of people would be able to relate to this poem.
'King of the damned' is a great name, nice one!
It's short and simple and it flowed throughout, I have no constructive critism, so well done!
~keep writing.
Afternoon.
I really enjoyed this poem and I'm not usually into them.
I liked the lines: "The questions have receded and died in my throat/To him, my words, I used to devote."
It really reminds me of Stannis & The Onion Knight in Game of Thrones! He loves him yet he feels he cannot be saved. They - and they're morals - have grown apart.
I think you could maybe choose some better words in places to really give the reader the feel of the speaker.
I like that its simple and short. It flows really nicely.
Good job! Feel free to take a look at any of my work when/if you have the time
Hi Lady purple,have a good day1
Honestly,it is a nice poem to read even though the using of word 'Damned'!The way you play with the words is quite nice,acceptable and just fit with the message you want to represent here.I'd agree with some others review on your poem which is the rythm is does not flow smoothly in some lines but still it was nice to digest in my mind when I read it.My favourate lines is this:
'Behind Him and in His past is where I am crammed,
This is the outcome of speaking with the King of the Damned. '
But when talking about the restructuring of ideas it is a little bit confusion and scattered.Some words also don't fit to give the feeling to reader.But anyway,you doing a good job here.Keep writing in YWS.I wish to see more masterpieces from you soon!
Hi there! Imaginator16 checking in.
First of let me say that i love the poem!
And i don't have rarely any bad things to say about it haha, you did such a good job
I like the way the poem flows i especially like the beginning and the end, the middle flows through pretty nicely also.
The poem is pretty simple and short but that is what makes it so effective, but i feel as if there is no deeper meaning to the poem than what is typed about on the title. The poem does have meaning i just think that you could go further with it being more specific.
Although i must say i love "Behind Him and in His past is where I am crammed,
This is the outcome of speaking with the King of the Damned." That is probably my favorite lines of the poem.
On an overall the poem is pretty good and i enjoyed reading it thoroughly
Good Job
Imaginator checking out
God bless! and review on!
Hi LadyPurple!
SO since i am supposed to critique our work, I am going to be a little picky. Sorry in advance.
So I liked the poem in general. The emotions in this piece of poetry really encouraged me to write more.
- the syllabication is a little off.
" But now I am far from his throne,
He cannot hear me; I fear this has turned his heart to stone."
The first line is eight syllables and the second line is fourteen. This is a six syllable difference, so when I read it, those lines sounded a little awkward to me. I really don't think that you need the last line to be that long.
"But now I, no longer near the throne,
Cannot be heard for his heart now solid stone. "
The syllable count is a little bit closer together now.
Just read your poem aloud when you are finished to see if there are any more syllable problems.
I really hope this helps, and I want to read more of your works.
-UnicornSmilz
Ahhh, nooo~ Why did you use rhyme in this poem? I was sinking comfortably into your poem, loving the imagery I was getting, but then the first rhyme hit and the rest were weak.
What I will say is you have a set of powerful and real and raw first three lines:
I love this. In three lines you've managed to define your relationship completely and vividly. I don't need anything else to know you've broken up and he doesn't feel anything for you.
What's REALLY great for you and your message is the fact that you've portrayed him as a KING. Kings are already distant from any of their subjects. They're this mythical, powerful figure, and unless you specifically paint yourself as queen, who would potentially have a close relationship with him, you don't have to say "oh, his heart turned to stone", because we already get that vibe off of any silent king.
So what I recommend to you with this poem is to LOSE the rhyme. You don't need it. The way the rhyme plays in this poem, it makes the lines sound cheap, like they're just trying to fit in a rhyme instead of trying to communicate a valuable and intense message. You want to communicate this intense feeling you have. Don't get lots in the rhyme.
Also, realize the power that each word has on its own! Like I said, King already brings images of ignoring the "peasants". As you choose future words for this poem, consider what kind of double or triple duties they can perform. They might make the scene sad, emphasize the rift between you two, and move the story along at all once!
PM me if you have any questions or comments about this review. I'd really love to see an edited version of this poem!
Good luck and keep writing!
Thanks! I wrote this when I thought I had to rhyme and decided to post it for some reason. But thanks for the review! I'll work on this
and thanks to everyone else too!
I I sort of liked it... though I do think if you worked on it again then it could be so much better than it is now. there is not any grammar or spelling mistakes so that's good. I also understand what you are trying to get at but its still kind of a 'just there poem' instead of 'holly crap I gotta show my friends this' kind of piece you know? but I think if you added or replaced some things then you would be set.
Hey, so I liked this poem very much! It's a little simple but I think it just adds to the charm and makes it easier to read and understand.
I liked your use of a simple rhyming pattern because it makes the poem flow easier than it would of otherwise.
I don't have much to say int terms of grammer, so I will leave that up to other reviewers, but from what I have read, I don't see any big blatant errors.
All in all, I think it was a nice simple poem and I don't have much to say negatively. Just maybe you could expand on it and make it more creative.
Keep writing and I hope to read and review some future posts by you!