This is straight from my little poem and story book.(My little poem and story book is a notebook that I write them in!)
What would you do if your little brother claimed to see a dragon?
Ignore the child and continue with the chores you have been told to do? Or go and see if his claims were true?
"Come on, Marie! I'm not lying," my little brother Jacob insisted.
"I'm not gullible," I said rolling my eyes.
"But it's true. The dragon flew to the field on the outskirts of the village." He was normally a persistent kid.
"Fine. I'll just go see for myself. Then when I come back after seeing no dragon you have to do my chores for a month," I replied confidently.
"Fine. If there is a dragon you have to come back with one of its scales," He said. I put my hands on my hips and smiled. Yes, Jacob and I make bets all the time and I win a lot. We shook hands on it, then I walked through the village towards the outskirts. The village was small with few houses. When I reached the field on the outskirts I walked through it, over a hill then my green eyes grew wide. It looked like I wasn't getting out of chores for a month because down at the bottom of the hill was a dragon.
A massive, hulking body with grey leathery skin towered over the land. His head was big and he had a terrifying mouth with huge, sharp, teeth that he barred when someone threatened him. With amazing, wide wings that have claws at the tips he folded them back and put his huge hind legs back. He tilted his head back and closed those big red eyes to throw his head forward. Out from his mouth blue flames danced and charred the field ahead. When he was finished a delighted smile formed on his mouth. The field was in cinders and ash!
Then he tossed his head back in my direction and continued to smile. I backed up slowly and he opened his mouth again. I knew I could not run so I threw my arms over my head and plead.
"Please! Don't eat me."
I was taken back by a deep laugh and I looked at the dragon. He had started to laugh!
"Now why would I do that?" he asked.
"B-because you're a d-dragon." My voice was shaky.
"Yes. I am last time I checked. But I wasn't planning to eat you,"He assured with a great smile with those teeth that made my legs turn to jelly. I thought about choosing my words carefully for now on just in case.
"You weren't?" I asked.
"Of course not. That is something my savage cousin would do. What a disgrace he is making dragons seem horrid by eating humans! Wouldn't you agree?" The dragon Snarled.
"Y-yes Mr. dragon." What else was I going to call him?
"My name is Vray. And you would be?" He asked.
"I am Marie," I answered.
"Nice to meet you. Now why have you come here? I sense you want something," Vray said.
Dragons can sense things? He looked at me with his big eyes and I saw myself. I was surprised that my flaxen hair wasn't standing up.
"I made a bet with my brother... And I lost so I was going to ask you for a scale," I explained.
Another smile came from Vray and he turned his head and used his horn to work at a gray scale on his shoulder. When he finished he gave it to me. I was nervous about it because the scale was between his teeth. But I did take it. The scale was almost as big as my head and rough.
"This one has been bothering me during flights for days," He said.
"Thank you, Vray," I said, "Good bye."
"Good bye, Marie. I hope to meet you again," He replied when I turned my back. I began to walk back to the village a bit dumbstruck.
Jacob was really going to be rubbing this one in my face for a long time.
~~~Wow I edited this A lot.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
I liked it so much! I liked how you left the story off like that so the readers can think of how the story should end.
Hey - I love it!
This is a very cute short story (: I do, however, think it might have done better as a poem.
You do need to watch your capitalisation.
And also: ' ... he folded them back and put his huge hind legs back. He tilted his head back and closed those big red eyes ...' The repitition of the word 'back' in that sentence is very noticeable. You might want to change the phrasing so the repeating of the word is not necessary. Also, when you describe the dragon, you do it extremely well - especially the bit about him breathing fire - but you might want to describe the head more. 'Big' is a bit blunt. (A bit of alliteration there.)
Overall, I thought this was a very good short story and I really loved it
Keep writing, and God bless,
Ignis
Interesting indeed. You should add onto this and make more than just this one. Since Vray was talking about his human eating cousin, you should make it into a story about having to find him and kill him.
I like the story line so far, you are very creative. It's sort of hard to get a real grasp of what's going on, because it is short. Write on!
Aww, the sweet moment of rubbing it in one's face.
I enjoyed this short story it was really cute. I like how you described a lot of detail so I could actually picture the dragon in my head. I wish I had a dragon. I can't wait to see more of your writing. This is my second review and I think I'm doing good. ^^ I'll get better as I do more. Well that's it from me. Keep writing!
~Freeze~
loved it! i wish my brother had told me to do that and i had actually found one!! by the way, love your name, ladypurple. i love the color purple. keep writing.
In general, it was quite a charming story.
I liked that Marie usally won bets, but she didn't win this one and also that the dragon was quite calm, but really huge.
I didn't like the dialogue. It was too wishy washy for me. I suggest using words other than said or if you just use said, use words like annoyingly to expand the readers vision of the setting and also to imagine how the person is saying it, so that it gives a clear picture
Dragons get all the bad rap these days, just the other day one of my pet dragons, (his name is arnold) said someone started shooting at him! How Rude!
My 8 year old says this.
I liked the dragon in the story. Marie's and the dragon's description was fabulous. When you used the word 'barred' do you really mean the word 'bared'? The fun thing about the dragon is that he looks scary but he's not. I think he's my favourite character actually!
Amazing. I didn't expect that the flow will be like that. Maybe its my first time to read a story where a dragon is not dependent to his master and the weird thing is, the dragon talks and the girl wasn't shock why the dragon talks that way. You should put that emotion there. Human, in nature, will be amaze or shock if an animal or anything can understand him and even talks to him.
General over view, polish more. Put adverbs and adjectives! That will complete your story
Thank you to the people who commented. I'm gonna work on descriptions in a while.
I'm going to disregard grammar and spelling flaws, as it seems you have help with that already!
Overall, I think this comes across as being a little cliched. Because we don't have a thorough sense of the two characters, and the story centers on an event that is not uncommon, it doesn't have anything striking to distinguish it from other similar works. This doesn't mean that it's a bad story, of course, only that it could use a little tweaking, I think.
First, I think you could use a little more interaction--a little more character development--in the beginning. Your personalities and banter are both very charming, and if you expand on that it will make your tale more interesting. Also, I think you should work a little more on expanding your paragraphs. Right now it's very choppy feeling, because you indent after each line. It makes it seem rushed, and you can't really stop and grasp what is going on while you are reading it.
You could use a little more description as well, with more expansive terms and a more consistant tone throughout this piece.
Otherwise, I think it's a great, funny, cute little story! Well done!
Hi, Ladypurple! I just had the honor to read one of yor stories. It was funny!
"Fine. If there is a dragon you have to come back with one of its scales#FF0000 ">," (There is supposed to be a comma instead of a period, because it's a dialog and there should be a comma if you write "he said, she said, he screamed, she screamed..." next to it.)
Yes#FF0000 ">, Jacob and I make bets all the time and I win a lot.
We shook hands on it#FF0000 ">, then I walked through the village towards the outskirts.
Hahahahahaha!
lol. funny story. the dragon should have been a little more rude though.
like make marie do something for him to get one of his scales.
Aw. This was very cute
I could almost see it as a start to a children's or YA book, depending on how you were going to take the rest of it (or even if there would be a 'rest of it'--for all I know it's standalone.)
There's only a few things I wanted to mention...
First, dialogue tags. If the dialogue is a finished sentence with a period, either eliminate the he said/she said, or capitalize it. If not, well, don't. Example:
"Fine. If there is a dragon you have to come back with one of its scales." He said.
Should be:
"...scales," he said.
or
"...scales." He clapped his hands together. (Or something.)
Actually, you seem pretty okay on this rule for the rest of the piece. I just wanted to clear it up in case it was more than a typo; it's quite common.
You have a very whimsical tone going for you here, which is why my first thought was children's book. One thing I would advise, to stop it from sounding too choppy or dramatic, is cut back on the paragraph breaks. So far, it happens pretty much every sentence, and it kind of disrupts the flow of things. You want your story to feel purposeful, but easy to read, so save the paragraph breaks for when it'll pack the most punch--drama, humor, etc.
That was a bit long, but overall, nice work. I found this so cute for some reason
you have to continue the story. please! I'm dying to know how they meet again. I'm so excited I'm bouncing in my seat
excited for part 2 for me to review oh and tell me when you put it up
-dragons
Hi purple, you have a great story here! I love dragons, so I can definitely relate to this. I'm not so great on grammar so I can't help you there, but I am a critic who likes discuss the plot. I think that your plot is missing a lot of description, it's hard for me to get a picture in my head if I don't know what the characters look like. You don't have to make your descriptions obvious, just hint it in there every once in a while. For example you could say "My hazel green eyes opened in shock as I came over the hill" something like that, but I do love your descriptions for the dragon.
But over all good work, I hope you make more of this! I'll be looking out for it!
oh my god that is an awesome story i got to say i think i can help you if you need it though because im obsessed with dragons as well
-dragons
I love dragons and the worst thing is when people write them and can't do it. You have great dragon imagery (hehe), but you need to expand more on detail, I'd think. Vary the lengths of your sentences (a big thing with me) and think of how a little boy or slightly older girl would speak (their language and body language/tone).
I did enjoy your piece very much, though I suggest you condense parts of it into paragraphs.
Awesome piece
LB
Well when it comes to grammer, I don't know whats the wrong or right way to do it :L so I'm not going to review that. I think you might know this alread, but this is incredible charming! I love it! It is orginal in a sense, a kind dragon story isn't unheard of, but! The brother seeing the dragon and his sister willing to look for the dragon in hopes to win a bet and get out of chores, I mean, thats original in many cases in my opinion. And what about the detail? It's perfectly fine in my opinion, the term: 'show don't tell' is an important thing and thats what you do, you make it so the reader pictures it well without inflicting on the liberty of his/her mind too much, plus it's a poem, too much detail will kill the flow. And I reading in comments about motives and things that will cause sub plots, I don't think it needs that, it's a poetic story from what I'm gathering so it doesn't have to be complex.
Write more! And then publish it!
I think is really adorable and rhythmical. The whole time I was reading it I could just feel the way everything flowed. After reading all the other posts on this piece, there isn't much I can say with any originality but I do feel this story/poem would benefit greatly from some deeper detail. Thanks for the fantastic read!
Well very nice and cute short story. I truly liked it but i think you should add a little bit more. just think what does the character want to achive in this story. does the dragon want to prove that he dosnt eat people and what does all of your other characters want to prove. i think this needs a little bit more expansion but apart from that i think its great. keep writing!
Hi again!
I'm glad you added more on to this. It makes much more sense now.
A few things:
Dialogue grammar--you need to work a little on the punctuation after a piece of dialogue.Here is a helful article on this.
Also, make sure you capitalize all those pesky 'i's.
Say that out loud. Sounds a bit odd, doesn't it? Should be "weren't".
I still feel like this could be a little longer. Try adding some descriptions of the surroundings, etc.!
Hope this helps,
Lupis
'Ello, Lady! Welcome to YWS. I believe we've met in chat once before?
Also, the "twist" you have at the end reminds me very much of a child's bedtime story! Er, that is to say, I guess the whole story does. ^.^
).
I must say, I love where the descriptions are going in this piece. Not to mention I'm partial to dragons.
Actually, I kinda like the end. It's a very humorous note to end on, like (as mentioned above) a kid's story. It allows the reader the chance to add their own meaning to this piece, especially the dragon's line about not eating the girl (I'm guessing the narrator is a girl?
One big thing I noticed, though (and I'm surprised no one else has caught them): tenses. You start in present ("A massive, hulking body with grey leathery skin towers over the land") then switch to past ("Then he tossed his head back in my direction and continues to smile"<--perfect example there of mixing your tenses, too) and then back again halfway through. Personally I think this flows better in present tense, but regardless of whichever way you choose, pick one and stick with it the whole way through.
Ok, one last nitpick (ok, maybe two...) and then I'll leave you alone.
I think you mean "bares" (to bare=to show, to rear=to shift back, usually on the hind quarters)?
You repeat "head _direction_" here, which doesn't make it flow very well. I'd suggest either simply changing the first or second part of the phrase so you don't repeat "throws his head"; or rephrasing the sentence entirely. Maybe "He tilts his head back, closes his big red eyes, and then lunges forward"? *shrug* You know better than I how you want to convey this, so I'll leave that revision up to you.
Overall, this is a very cute little piece! It could make a very good kids' story with some illustrations and just a little more depth (maybe a part in the beginning about how the narrator meets the dragon? Give it a little more plot to work with haha
Keep writing! If you have any questions, PM me or duck into chat sometime when I'm haunting it. I shouldn't be too hard to find, either way.
~Glad
I have one of those too!
I really like the way this is like a mixture between poetry and prose. (Actually, I almost feel like this story might be better suited to a poem, but that's just me.)
I like this so far, but I feel like we need more to go on.
Like Snoink said, watch your capitalization.
But that's really all I have to say!
Except... Welcome to YWS! I just noticed that you're a relatively new member.
I hope to see you around,
Lupis
Why would he indeed! If I were a dragon, I would only eat her if I had a large quantity of teriyaki sauce. Yum!
Anyway, first of all, you need to capitalize your "i." It should be "I."
Next of all, you need to finish this! This doesn't seem complete! What does she do when the dragon laughs hysterically??? Don't leave us on a cliffhanger!