I enjoy staying up at night to watch storms sometimes. I wrote this one night during a storm.
My room was dark at twelve A.M, except for the flashing of the TV.
I was in my bedroom as a storm stirred outside my window. I got tired of the show on, that I had seen at least more than twenty times, and laid on my stomach. I reached up and pulled up the blinds. The storm had begun in the early summer night. The lightning lit up the dark sky as the thunder rumbled. My TV's light flashed to expose little rain drops hitting my window with a light pinging sound. That's when my imagination kicked in.
The rain turned to dancers that danced across the sky. To the earth they fell, which I imagined was a stage. The lightning turned to lights like the ones at dance recitals that shine on the performers. The thunder changed to the thunderous applause of fans in stands. I imagined the rain prancing across and falling down on the stage making room for the next barrage of dancers.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,293 Literary Works • 674,334 Reviews
Thank you all!!!!!
Hey!
I really did like this piece, short but sweet! Very nice
This is a good sentence, except you repeated 'night' twice. And sometimes that can sound...off when you're reading things. So maybe it could be,
The storm had begun in the early summer night. The lightning lit up the dark sky as the thunder rumbled.
You don't have to, it's just an idea.
Other than small details (that others have already told you) i did enjoy this.
Well done.
Keep on writing!
Born
xx
This is awesome and very beautiful!
I've just got one suggestion:
Something about this feels kind of clumsy, I think it's the way TV is said at both ends of the phrase. If I were you I would rephrase it to something like: "My room was dark at twelve A.M, except for the flashing of the TV"
It's up to you though! It's great the way it is as well.
Really lovely work!
-pigeon
The TV flashed at twelve A.M. my room was dark except for the TV.
I was in my bedroom as a storm stirred outside my window.
I got tired of the show on, that I had seen at least more than twenty times, and laid on my stomach.
I reached up and pulled up the blinds. The storm had begun in the early summer night. The lightning lit up the dark night as the thunder rumbled. My TV's light flashed to expose little rain drops hitting my window with a light pinging sound. That's when my imagination kicked in.
The rain turned to dancers that danced across the sky.
To the earth they fell, which I imagined was a stage.
The lightning turned to lights like the ones at dance recitals that shine on the performers. The thunder changed to the thunderous applause of fans in stands. I imagined the rain prancing across and falling down on the stage making room for the next barrage of dancers.
haha! Good!
Hello, ladypurple.
You made a pretty and unique comparison with rain to dancers. I really like how the second paragraph reads.
That said, the first paragraph seems a bit...clashing. I know that it is the beginning, but how about you jump into the descriptive 'action' of the second paragraph and then afterwards go into the other parts of exposition. Secondly, this writing--primarily in the first paragraph--is a bit terse. This can be easily fixed by 'spicing' your sentence beginnings with different starts, or combining weaker, short sentences into stronger ones. (Ex: Second sentence: At twelve AM, the TV flashed in my otherwise dark room.)
I hope that what I've said has helped. I look forward to seeing what you write in the future!
-Gilded Lily
Short and so very sweet Lady purple great work! Your imagination amazes me for its hard to find such creativity now-a-days. Anyways again good work and hope to see future work from ya! -Dawn