James stared at the hologram as the car shuttered. The red dot representing Verena gave a final blink before it died out.
“What th-” James didn’t finish his sentence as his earpiece emitted a screech of
radio fuzz. Well, there went his hearing.
He clutched his ear as it continued to ring. Hoping it would cease.
So much for his communication with Verena.
He closed the hologram and pulled up the cameras. Nothing but grey static. Great.
The car rattled again, as if taunting him.
The last thing he wanted was to be swallowed alive by a sinkhole and trapped in a car. He launched himself between the seats into the back, and started opening boxes.
What did he need? Anything, everything. The basics would have to do.
He tucked his pistol into the hoister hidden under his jacket. Checking off a mental list as he gathered supplies. Gun, flashlight, taser, watch, small grapple. Check, check, check, check.
The car stilled again; he held his breath. Was it over?
James looked down at his watch and pressed a button on the side, triggering a holographic menu. He toggled a few settings, sending the hologram zapping back into the watch, the black screen now displaying a compass-like arrow. Except this compass didn’t point north; it pointed to his partner.
The equipment in the car started to rattle again, louder this time. He opened the hatch and slid out. Checking once, and then twice, that’d he’d locked the car. The key was integrated into his watch. Or rather, his watch unlocked any car connected to the Agency, and then some.
James decided to skip vaulting the fence and ran around to the entrance gate. If his cameras were down, everyone's were. Someone was scrambling all communications, and it wasn’t them. He just had to find out who.
His ears picked up the faint wail of sirens in the distance. Likely emergency services alerted to the supposed earthquake emitting from the Governor's house grounds. Still, it put him on a time crunch.
The streetlights flickered, setting an eerie mood over the estate as every light flicked off in unison. At least he got to skip hacking the gate mechanician. Without power, he could use the manual switch. An estate like this would have a hefty generator, which meant he only had a few seconds to get through. Unless the saboteurs were smart enough to disable it. But he wasn’t going to wait and see.
James bent down, inspecting one of the motors on the ground near the gate hinge. He should only need to disengage one side in order to- He paused, sensing something behind him. Or rather, someone.
Keeping his body hunched over the gate mechanics; he kept his interest in it, keeping his breath low and even. Any change in his body language would signal his would-be assailant he was aware of them.
He contained on his task, if they wanted to attack him, they’d done it by now. As James unhooked the gate from the motor the ground shook, rattling the gate. The stile that he’d released swung open voluntarily. James took the opportunity to sprint down the drive, he wouldn’t be able to hear his mysterious shadow, but at least he may be able to gain some distance in the confusion.
The ground shifted beneath and he hit the ground hard. He tucked and rolled out into the open space, away from anything that could fall. The tremors hadn’t subsided, but they didn’t seem to be getting worse. How long did earthquakes usually last?
James peered through the windows. What he would give to levitate right now. With the ground shaking he couldn’t get a clear view through them. He checked his watch again. The arrow was shifting ever so slowly to the right. She was on the move then.
James turned to run around to the far-right side of the building when another rumble started to bubble up from the ground.
He ran harder, tripping and stumbling his way over the moving ground. He just had to get to the other side.
Just had to get to a door.
Someone shouted behind him, but it was lost in the rustle of leaves.
The earth shuttered violently like it was struggling to keep something contained.
And then the air itself seemed to explode. As did his eardrums.
The world spun around and glazed over. He felt himself shout, but didn’t hear it, lost in a cacophony of a ringing.
Reality snapped back the second he collided with the asphalt. He inhaled hard, cold oxygen overwhelming his brain.
Too much air.
He clutched his head, but it didn’t stop the ringing pain. Colours flashed across his eyes like lightning bolts, fading with the pain as he controlled his breath.
The night sky glared down at him, the stars twinkling. Some of them moving lazily across the sky. They almost looked close enough to touch. Pulsing red and orange.
His hand moved slowly to brush the sky, swatting a star away in the process.
Burning his finger.
James sucked another breath in, smoky tendrils contaminating it.
Smoke?
He sat up too fast, but even in the wavy world his vison showed him, it was clear what the scene before him was.
The mansion was smoldering. He rubbed the burn mark on his finger; gritty ash crumbled from it.
The ear ringing still contained, coating everything in a strange form of quiet.
Verena
James lifted his wrist, the arrow on the scuffed screen still pointed in the same direction. But now it didn’t seem to move. Or maybe it never had. Everything was still now. Well, expect for the flames eating away at the mansion.
The tongues of fire flickered violently, stealing away his night vision.
He stood slowly, bruised in too many places. Like a battered soccer ball.
Smoke gathered in whisps above his head. The fire was far enough above him that it fell and rose before it touched the ground. At least the smoke wasn’t fighting him. Everything else was.
Slowly stepping forward to test his footing, he gave a slow look around. He didn’t see anybody else. Didn’t hear anybody else. Nothing but this blasted ringing. He screwed a finger in his ear as he walked. The ringing just continued inside his head. He tried the other ear, with the same result. Deaf.
Great.
He was deaf. Ideally, temporarily deaf. He hoped.
James rounded the corner of the building. There was indeed a door, hanging off its hinges. Bodies-no, people, were slowly stirring, crawling away from the building. Recovering from the shock as slowly as James would have liked to.
They were moving, they were fine. For now. Emergency services would be here in seconds. He passed them with a few more scans for major injuries.
They were fine.
None of them were Verena. So where was she?
From that point the path winding through the gardens opened into a lawn and a pool. It swarmed with people. Movingly slowly like a wave of colour and ash.
He must have ash on him.
The ground grew soft beneath his shoes as he began to walk the perimeter of the shocked guests, searching every human clothed in a black suit for any resemblance of his partner.
He could shout. But his volume control and his ability to hear her reply, was not reliable. Not like shouting out a covert agent’s name was a wise idea anyway.
If she saw him, she’d find him.
Cold water spurted up from below, James sputtered and tried to block the spray with his hands. The darn sprinkler systems of the rich.
In this case at least it was being useful. With the demeanor of a wet dog, he contained his search. Only encountering patrons in ash dulled dresses and suits, sporting dazed and scared expressions and they watched the manor burn.
Red and blue lights flickered through the trees. He should have heard the siren.
Where was Verena.
A hand gripped his shoulder from behind, and James spun and stumbled, heel digging into the wet ground. Instinct had him swatting the hand away before he recognized the owner.
Verena, wet and singed with a man hanging off her, gripped his shoulder again with her freehand. Her mouth formed soundless words.
It was a bad day for communication.
James spoke slowly, gesturing with his hands to his ears. I can’t hear you
Verena’s face wrinkled in confusion, then frustration. She sighed, waved in the direction of the emergency vehicles and then the opposite side of the building, and finally, driving a car.
Oh, right, the car.
He took another glance at the dazed man Verena was keeping off the ground. He seemed, familar.
Verena brushed past him before James could match the face to a name. He picked up behind her. Flashlights flickered across the lawn as the emergency services members fanned out and assessed the situation.
James unlocked the car as soon as the roof was in sight over the wall. They’d have to seek out the gate and past the ambulance parked in the drive. Although with everyone else currently y busy with the blaze and the people, they simply walked by.
"Trun-.”
James stopped. What was that sound?
Verena waved at him, miming opening something with her hand while she spoke. “Trunk?” Her voice faded in and out but, he heard it.
He tapped his watch and the trunk opened. Verena dumped the man inside and stepped around to the passenger side. James opened the driver side door.
He could drive with impaired hearing, right?
Sure he could.
James didn’t have time to figure out the answer as a cold, metal, round device was stuck in his face. He struggled to register the device without his eyes crossing.
Thankfully, it was obviously a gun. The black suited and half-masked man seemed to speak to him. To which James raised his hands in mock surrender and faintly heard himself say. “You’re in my car.”
He got a healthy hit in the nose for the comment. “Ouch, don’t make me deaf and unable to smell.” He took the few seconds that the gunman took in this information, to size him up.
He seemed male, not much bigger
than James, dressed in tactical cargo pants and a vest, the bandana tied around
his nose and mouth embroidered with a crest.
The Torin.
The infamous rival agency with a grudge against them that rivalled Hitler’s grudge against…anything.
He moved his head to peer behind the agent for Verena, but the agent moved with him. Leaving him with only a view of his vest.
James took a step back. He’d probably hear Verena before he saw her. The gunman was speaking again, loudly. James picked out words. Premier, Move. Shoot.
The face of the man lying in the back of the car made sense now. The Premier. Right, obviously they'd take him.
The car shifted, taking the gunman’s attention away from James. Something tapped James’s foot, he ducked and grabbed the gun on the ground, as the agent tumbled out of the car, along with his partner.
James moved to the car as he delivered a carefully aimed shot to agent’s leg. The locks clicked as James spun the wheel and revered hard. Waiting for the road to line up again before he kicked it into drive and took off.
So much for staying undercover.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,025 Literary Works • 672,766 Reviews
HI PLEASE KEEP THESE QUESTIONS IN CONSIDERATION WHEN LEAVING A REVIEW!! Thank you
How do you feel about the descriptions? Could you follow what was going on? Did you at any point feel lost because of missing information?
Emotions… Where there any in the text? How do you feel about the Main Character?
Did you feel like this was an exciting start to a story? Was it boring at any point?
On a scale of 0 to 10 with 5 being neutral, how much did you enjoy the chapter?
On a scale of 0 to 10 how much do you want to read the next chapter?
While I don't mind you pointing out my grammers/spelling, I WILL catch those things in the future, so I'd prefer stuff that pretains to the story/plot and stuff. If its REALLY bad, you can point it out
Word
Good morning lady,
Hmmm from the summary I kinda expected a bigger description and reaction from James about the screech. Some pain and more?
Okay… I feel like you don’t really set the scene here. What is he actually seeing? Why does he think this is a sink hole opening? (I have never experienced and earthquake so idk if this is maybe the normal reaction to the car shaking?)
I like this description: “He toggled a few settings, sending the hologram zapping back into the watch“ zap! =D (I also feel like Verena would have described this a bit differently in narration XD)
Ohh why does the compass still work when every other technology died near the house?
Lol relatable: “Checking once, and then twice, that’d he’d locked the car.” But… is that really important in this neighbourhood? XD But if there is no physical feedback on the watch no wonder you have to keep checking to make sure @.@
That sentence is so good and flows so well! “Someone was scrambling all communications, and it wasn’t them.”
That’s the first time you are actually describing what James’ is seeing and that is way too late for my taste: “The streetlights flickered, setting an eerie mood over the estate”
Hmm wouldn’t the emergency generator immediately kick in tho? That’s there sole reason for existence, no?
…okay from how far away is James sensing that mystery person? That whole sequence was kinda weird and then he didn’t even check? O_O
Might want to consider a different phrasing to avoid repetition here, for the next editing pass: “The ground shifted beneath and he hit the ground hard. “
Ah ok so he also doesn’t really experience earth quakes often: “How long did earthquakes usually last?” So I feel like him immediately thinking this is a sink hole makes a bit less sense now?
…can you run “harder”? O_O
I wish you would describe the effect the rumbling has on the surrounding area more. Like, more than just that James has a hard time walking. Like.. objects etc.
Ah there it is: “And then the air itself seemed to explode. As did his eardrums.“ =D
Already a much better entry into the destruction than earlier!
Oh I love this description: “His hand moved slowly to brush the sky, swatting a star away in the process.” And whatever it is burns ohaaa!!!
“Or maybe it never had.” Ok but you did describe it moving… why does he think that had been a fluke?
Hmm I find myself wondering why he ran to the mansion. Because he initially wanted to find out what was blocking the cams etc. Shouldn’t that be better done in the car. With the surveillance equipment? To see where maybe a disruptive signal is coming from?
“as slowly as James would have liked to” aww poor guy, duty calls ☹
Don’t you mean continued? “he contained his search.”
“Where was Verena.“ I like that this isn’t a question. As if the question of where she is is a fact of the world, something that so obviously needs to be answer you just have to state it.
Tho still… now that she found James… I question even more why he went in here in the first place. It feels a bit like last chapter with the back and forth on what Verena is doing…
I do like that he immediately goes in to look for her etc but I wish we would have gotten more explanation from his narration. Also now that we are a bit further in I can confidently say: we need more James in his own limited 3rd person view XD I feel like the narration did try to keep a personal touch but a lot of the phrasings were rather generic. There wasn’t really much that made me go “only James would phrase it like that/only James would pay attention to that and ignore this”, you get me? There were moments and I pointed them out but otherwise… hm schade 😊
Why? “James unlocked the car as soon as the roof was in sight over the wall.” Why not wait until they are closer? He was so paranoid abt locking it earlier….
A wild y! “currently y busy with”
Hmmm ok it took me a moment to figure out the logistics of this: “a cold, metal, round device was stuck in his face.” Like, someone stuck this to him. But with the passive phrasing it might as well could have been that the object had been there a while and you only described it now xd Maybe rephrase into something more active? Would give this more oomph!
Ok a scattershot approach to grammar: “black suited and half-masked “ one of them MUST be correct! And yes! The latter with the dash is correct XD “black-suited” 😊
“You’re in my car.” Hahahahaha!!!
In dialogue he shines today!
Hmm what made the person seem male to him?
When does this take place btw? I am… a bit uncomfortable with the Hitler mention, so casually thrown in there :/ Also strange that JAMES is someone who thinks of this guy when in such a sit.
“He’d probably hear Verena before he saw her.” Lol you sure abt that my guy?
Hmmm I also feel like the events in the last three paragraphs are a bit hard to follow. You are a bit too vague with… ~Something~ tapping his foot, ~how~ does the distraction of gun guy look like that James can just duck WAY down to the ground without prompting a reaction, ~why~ take the gun from the ground and not his own that you specifically mention him taking, ~when~ did Verena get back into the car, you only mention her tumbling out, did he leave her behind?
“Waiting for the road to line up again” is this bc of the earthquake and the road is LITERALLY shifting up and down??? I feel like you could keep mentioning that, it is such a monumental and unusual thing happening @.@
I also feel like they are still way undercover; they obv didn’t cause this to happen and they just effectively kidnapped the premier with only one guy noticing them that they didn’t even capture or kill… so well, I guess they are no longer undercover… The guy saw their faces, why did they leave him behind???? (then again, you also never described Verena getting back in so maybe she also hauled him in for further question who knows)
Hmm I wonder if just fastening the premier to the backseat would have been less suspicious? Right now they threw him in the trunk. Like kidnappers xd
To the questions:
I… wasn’t really all the happy with the descriptions. I had trouble picturing what is happening and I feel like James’ reaction to things were either too much when there wasn’t much happening and too little when there were massive things happening XD
(tho I did mention the standouts :3) I felt very lost, especially for why he went in there in the first place and then, ESPECIALLY in the end @.@
I like James. It comes across that he is competent (has a mental check list for emergency car evacuations etc) and he cares deeply about Verena. Beautiful stuff. Now if only he would tell me why he does the things he does and I would like him even better @.@
This … is no longer the start of the story. You know the questions are supposed to reflect the chapter and just copy and pasting them every time will not help you? ^^°
Exciting things certainly … happened but I feel like I lacked the context to appreciate it? I wish James would do more speculation on what could have happened. Like in the beginning when he suspected someone to interfere with the cam signal. That was nice. But then the building exploded and we get nothing from him. I get he was busy being affected by the explosion but still doesn’t really help readers with understanding how we should feel abt everything XD
Maybe you could have done the speculation before the exploding happens? So that maybe James could think abt who could be behind it and that if he were in their place he would just… raze everything to the ground and then he feels the telltale signs of pre-explosion and has a “oh fuck” moment idk. Just something to think abt XD
I think this chapter was a 5 to me since I like James but I wish I would have gotten a better overview of what happened since he was an outside party and I kinda expected him to supplement what Verena experienced but instead they were both kinda unsure of what went down XD
For wanting to read on: a 7.8! I do want to know where they are taking the prime minister and what they think happened, some explanations and analyses!
Sorry, I cannot help myself if I see grammar I mention grammar. Hope I made up for it for talking abt everything else too XD
Yayy a tika review!n huzzah! Okay so lots of great questions here for me to think about. I really like that you gave me so much feedback on the action in this cuz sometimes I struggle with it.
A few things to explain tho:
I've only experienced a small earthquake once. It was actually pretty cool. But they come and then are gone pretty fast, not in a long sequence of tremors like this(Unless it's a really big earthquake and then you get a lot of Aftershock tremors which are worse than the actually quake) and no, James does not experience a lot of earthquakes, so yeah he's just trying to figure out the options of what this could be. Aka him getting out of the car, just in case a tree falls on it or the ground swallows it. The equipment in the car would likely be frazzled from an earth too due to it shaking it rapidly and also likely disrupting any radio or cell signals(I think... I'm guessing on basic logic on that) if would disrupt power, as power lines would fall, or be Fallon. Which actually is a good reason to stay in the car cuz ~rubber tires~
Okay moving on.
If the emergency generator has not been tampered with than no.. it would not turn on >.> Tehehe
I'm pretty sure I've seen the term "ran harder?" It's like when your already running fast, but you feel a sense of urgency so you push your feet into the ground more, or harder.
Also the thing with locking the car is kinda a little character thing I pulled from me. I can't remember if I've locked my car unless I point the fob at it, lock it and then go "I have locked the car" so it's just a funny little James being paranoid about locking the car full of extremely important expensive equipment lol
This takes place in 2040, in Victoria British Columbia Canada. The Agency HQ is in the German Alps tho. And yeahhh, ik ik the fence about the hitler mention, I may see if I can reword it.
Ooh okay and that "road lining up" thing is not actually the road moving, is the car. I'm trying to explain a specific type of car move/truck. Have you ever seen someone drive a car, often in movies or car chases, where they go from driving the car backwards, while still moving, they spin it around so it's facing forwards again. All while going in the same direction. Like a 180 turn. So he's put the car in reverse. And then spun it around, waiting for the road to line up again, with the headlights, and then kicking it into drive.
Didn't I say that they recognized the attackers at the torin? This is already an organization they deal with, so it's not people their too concern with "recognizing" them. Also, it would take too long to buckle the Premier in lol, but I appreciate the safety first thinking.
Thank you for answering my questions! And yes I customize them with each chapter,
mainly with my newer chapters lol. I collect questions as I edit and then add them.
I'm considering actually making THIS my first chapter, and thus I would add more to it in terms of explaining the situation and mission and stuff. Maybe that would help fill in James character/thoughts etc.
Hi lady. Happy Valentines Day!
Okay. This is a sharp and jarring action. Getting blasted through a headpiece is unexpected and frightening at least in the jump out of your seat or squirm and clutch your ears kind of way.
It's very visceral and reactionary, so I want to see more of that. But the writing style can heavily influence how it comes across as well. "James didn't finish his sentence" is unnecessary as you already cut it off with the dash which we know means he was cut short. "As his earpiece emitted" distances us from James and it's all very wordy instead of punchy and jolting like the radio shriek is. Reduce words. Enhance reactionary motion, and push it all through James' lens. The radio didn't emit a screech, a screech of radio static exploded in James' ears and he clutched his head in shock. His body stiffened. The ringing remained as the radio died out. We'll, there went his hearing.
I know that was a lot of yapping for one sentence, but the principles can be taken and used in a lot of instances so I felt it was worth expanding on it with an easy example. Side note, I do like the humor showing us a bit of James' playful side. Be careful in serious situations how it's used to not kill tension though.
On to sentence number 3 .... xD
It seems like you're wanting to capitalize direct thoughts. That's fine, but them im not sure why you said "there went his hearing" instead of saying, in italics, "there goes my hearing". Pick a voice and settle into it.
On the second bit, this is random and petty, but they're a spy agency set in the present if not the future. Are screens really going grey with static (cathode ray tubes) instead of black (digital)? I suppose the building *could* be older and not up to date, but considering the level of event taking place it doesn't seem like it would be behind the times for security of all things.
It's subtle, but i like that this shows James is thinking and not a total goober.
Flickered and flicked in the same sentence.
.
He contained on his task? Concentrated? You also have a comma splice at task, and then are missing a have between they'd done.
Let's get pedantic again lol cacophony means a bunch of different random noises, think sitting at a busy restaurant or a sports venue or the side of a busy street. Ringing is a singular, overwhelming sound.
Using a sports comparison is kind of random (although James may be an athlete and this is his chapter so it could fit) but I love it anyway because ive played with my fair share of outdoor soccer and basketballs and uh...yeah, they are pretty rough.
I'd love to know what this actually looks like. I think him searching like a rescue dog or bloodhound or frantically puppy can actually be a strong metaphor if you embraced that.
Seemed???
Using Hitler as a comparison is....bold. But also, this feels way too vague. Hitler had specifics grudges against specific sets of people, and was bent on revenge and power. Comparing any society or agency to him puts them at the all-time top of horrid groups of people.
Ok. Some overall thoughts.
The action at the end is a bit confusing as to when people are in the car vs out of the car.
I know its popular now, but I hate how many sentences start new lines. Im fine with it being used for effect sometimes, as I use it myself, but when James is running around there are so many one liners. I don't think it looks good on the page, and it they lose some of their shock value.
The explosion bit is great. I love seeing James have at least temporary impairments from it. The disorientation feels visceral.
For an opening scene that doesn't affect the overarching plot, we've spent more time.than I like. I think combining chapter 1 and 2 from Verena's POV and then switching to James on the earthquake or explosion would be better.
-Messy
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the scary S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - James is trying to contact Verena, but an explosion happens and he loses his hearing. Then, he does find her, but it seems like she can’t understand that he is deaf and they try to escape, but then, they are kidnapped!
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I thought that James and Verena were going to their regular car but then it looks like they are going in that enemy guy’s car. I could just be reading this the wrong way though.
Chocolate Bar - I love how you described James going deaf with the ringing and the bits of words he hears. He’s not completely deaf, but significantly so and the ringing is a result of it. This was very interesting and not boring at all, I would rate it a 8!
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, I very much enjoyed this chapter! I am excited for the next one at an 8 and I hope that James will get his hearing back! If he doesn’t, then I hope he can go on in life alright enough with being deaf! And so…
I wish you a marvelous day/night! :>