Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
It was better than anything she could have expected. It somehow saved her, made her feel better. I could see it in her eyes, the look of anticipation, the happiness, the nothing. The first shot was done. When would the next come? I guess it doesn't matter, I know it will, it always does. After all this is my fault, I started this. I should've kept my mouth shut.
I remember it like it was yesterday. It was my birthday, I was just turning twelve. But unlike most twelve year olds I wasn't opening presents with a smile on my face, or even eating cake. Nobody knew where I was, so they all left. I, on the other hand, was being raped, by my mothers boyfriend.
I was being pinned down to the bed, screaming. How come nobody heard me? He was leaving trails of scorching kisses upon my throat. Putrid, vile kisses. His breath reeked of coffee and cigarettes, he refused to listen to my pleas. I have a horrible habit of forgetting painful memories so I don't remember much.
Although I do remember. I remember the fact that he kept locking his fingers inside my hair and calling me Goldielocks. In any normal circumstance, a child would love to be called this, the name of their idol. This wasn't any normal circumstance. The way he said it, there was something dark and sinister about it.
When I told mother, she didn't believe me, luckily my teacher did. That asshole went to jail for ten years, hes still there. Thats when mother became consumed by all the drugs. She started injecting herself with heroin. Not many people know but those who do, say its not my fault. I wish I could believe them. Maybe I can make my mother better, take away all the pain in her life, all the disappointment.
All I need is rope, lucky for me, I have some in my room. I've been preparing for this day.
- Epilogue-
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139,622 Literary Works • 672,630 Reviews
I thought this was about the show Gravity Falls when I clicked on it. This is a very serious story, very well-written, and I shouldn't be laughing but I am, mostly at myself, not bc of the rape, that's bad,
Hiya Lacy, here to review!
Well, I agree that it was the title that certainly was captivating and it really drew me in. Then I went to read onto the rest of it, and was rather horrified at what was going on in the story, not because of your writing, but the plot of it was pretty scary. I read a few scenes where rape is included in stories and it's something not done so well, or at least not in a very sensitive way, but I think here it was done great.
Now considering that this story is rather short, I think you could add a bit more to it. The first paragraph is great, however it's a bit sort of unclear and we only then kind of figure it out after reading the rest. So I suggest going into more detail with that bit, and maybe using some more imagery about drugs and stuff. Like, does it take her to her happy place? What does that place look like? How does she feel when she snaps out of it? The answers to questions like that I think would really give more to this piece.
Similarly, as poetic and beautiful the epilogue is, I'd like to see more of it really. Maybe you could talk more about suicide and give some more descriptions/imagery on that. I mean, before she does top herself maybe she could be appreciating her life. Not the sad parts like the rape, but the more happier parts. Memories of her and her friends. Memories of her and her family and just anything that made her happy in her life. I think this will make us feel loads of empathy (tear-jerking worthy).
This was a really well written piece, and you've covered a sensitive issues but really well, do well done! My main suggestions is just to add more and expand on things a bit. Probably not the rape scene, because that's horrific enough, I mean the Goldilocks bit makes me shiver, but just the other stuff- especially more happy parts of her life. Anyhow, I hope this review helped, feel free to PM me with any questions you have or if you'd like anything else to be reviewed.
Just keep writing!
-Arc x
Hey Lacy, sorry this review/comment is so late, but I was away at camp!
Even though I see quite a few people have put there reviews on this up, I thought I'd still put my input in. 
So onto the review!
The development of this story is really great, I appreciated the emotion and terror you injected into this piece without making it slimy or overly grusome. The very first paragraph is a little confusing to me, is it the main character thinking over her life, death, or the mother struggling with her drug addiction?
I think some of the phrases are a little awkwardly worded, and could be changed to be a little stronger. This phrasing particularally: "I have a horrible habit of forgetting painful memories so I don't remember much. Although I do remember." In this instance the habit I think would be a good one, not "horrible" and the last part "so I don't remember much." is a little confusing as to what you're reffering to. I think you could change it all to "Normally I have the habit of being able to block out the bad moments in my life, to forget. This memory is an exception." I'm not sure that's the best way to word it either, but I just think it could be changed a little.
The 5th paragraph is missing quite a few apostraphes, but those will be easy to pick out.
This sentence I also think is a little strange."All I need is rope, lucky for me, I have some in my room." I guess it just bothers me that she says "lucky for me" I feel like although her suicide gets rid of her personal pain, that it's more for her mom in her mind. And alhtough suicide can't be rational I think it's maybe pushing it to have the phrase "lucky for me" in there, almost too.. casual? That's just my opinion though, and if you think it reads fine, then I encourage you to keep it, since you know the character better than I can.
The epilogue! Like the others said: "captivating", really it's quite poetic. My only critique is that you switch tenses in the middle of paragraph example "Death is narrating.." "Everything was okay.." "Then.. I fell" so try to put it all past or present tense probablly.
Great use of descriptive language, and solid narration. I appreciate that you didn't go into every miniscule detail, but you drew the reader in with a few choice descriptions.
I also like that you could maybe interpret the ending two ways that she fell from the suicide rope living, or that she fell from heaven?, or fell into death.
Again, good job, and I look forward to reading more of your work!
~Alliyah~
okay, so after reading about five pieces about rape I decided to comment on one. that’s not to comment about the popularity of using rape as drama in fiction/poetry. just that when it shows up all the time it kind of loses its weight as a narrative device. which sucks really because rape is such an ugly thing. anyway, all that is beside the point.
in the context of this story I would say that the strongest aspect is the voice. it was very well developed; angry but not defeated. I imagined a lot of pre-Nevermind Nirvana playing in the background as I read this.
which was why I was so disappointed by the ending when you decided to just kill her off. while I believe that every good story should involve death in some way, I’m a staunch advocate of keeping characters alive for as long as possible. you should keep your characters alive because when they die all of the tension surrounding them dies with them.
and even if you’re dead-set on killing her (heh-heh) why do we have to wait until the end to find out that this story is being narrated by a ghost? I mean, the “this is how I died” premise has been done so many times by itself, but turning it into a twist ending, to me, seems like overkill.
also there is very little actual scene in this story. it’s basically all summary. no details about the house, the town/city it’s taking place in. only the briefest of physical descriptions for the main characters. all the character’s need backstories, even the scumbag boyfriend. we don’t need a whole biography, but a few details to hint as to why these people are the way they are. I want to know about how society views them, especially the protagonist. again, really wish you didn’t just kill her off. I think there’s a lot of potential for tension with regard to the way people, adults, kids her age etc. view her and how she views herself. just consider it, please.
hope this was helpful, and happy editing.
This broke my heart into tiny pieces. It was depressing and tragic. But it was brilliant. This is the case for so many families in the world and although I have no personal experience, I imagine that these are the emotions that go through a person that has lived this way.
It's saddening that she felt relief for taking her own life but I understand it.
This was excellent. I liked reading it so much.
TheGoonerGirl here to review your story!
The title of your story captured my attention and I was compelled to read until the end. This is a very powerful story with strong imagery and emotions. I was able to see through the eyes of the protagonist and feel the agony she was going through whilst she was being raped and when her mother refused to believe her; the guilt she felt at believing she wrecked her and her mother's lives; the hatred and anger she felt towards her attacker, and the sadness she was forced to go through at her mother becoming a heroin addict. The end of the story left me reeling in shock at knowing that the protagonist committed suicide at an incredibly young age.
The part of the story that enraptured my attention the most were the last few sentences:
The imagery and the emotions are both strong in this paragraph. Your description is very elegant and beautiful here and leaves behind a powerful image for your readers that they will most unlikely forget.
Reading through your story, I spotted a few minor punctual errors but nothing to worry about!
There needs to be an apostrophe in mother's as it shows possession.
Here the apostrophe replaces the "i" in "is" and shortens "he is" to a mix of the two words so that it becomes "he's".
I also noticed some errors that interrupted the flow of the story:
This is only a suggestion. I'm not telling you what to do but I'm giving you my opinion as well. To me, this sentence seems to be a bit of what I'd say is... clunky. This sentence could be split up to add more description and to pad out the story a little more. It also confuses me and left me with some unanswered question such as Why didn't the protagonist's mother believe her when she told her about the rape? What was her mother's reaction? and why did the protagonist confide in her teacher? What was the teacher's reaction to the rape situation? and so on.
Another error that I need to point out is the tense you used in one of your sentences:
Note that there should be an apostrophe in "that's"
Throughout the story when the protagonist is telling the reader about her past, you use the present tense in the sentence quoted above instead of the past tense which you were using. If I were you, I would change it to the past tense so that it becomes:
"That's" is also a shorter way of saying "that is" and belongs to the present tense.
I hope I didn't sound too harsh and put you off writing because I want to be able to help other writers like me and you to the best of their abilities!
Hope I've helped.
Happy writing!
Hey there! Great story. Like the previous reviewer, I was captivated by the progression of the story!
All I could feel was pain for the protagonist. This may sound sadistic, but I believe that the fact that the protagonist blamed herself, made the story quite realistic and I found it easier to sympathize with her.
I noticed a few mechanical errors here and there, but really it was not bad at all. Punctuation and capitalization were present, and those are must-haves. Occasionally I noticed a missing apostrophe, but don't even fret! Those things are so simple to fix.
In the 5th paragraph, there are a few corrections that could be made. For example: in the first sentence, "When I told mother, she didn't believe me, luckily my teacher did", I would add "but," right before the word "luckily". In the second sentence, there should be an apostrophe here: "he's". There are a few more, but I only noticed them in the 5th paragraph, and typically, it is because of an absent apostrophe. In the third sentence, it should be "That's" and in the fourth sentence, replace "its" with "it's".
Sorry for giving you specific corrections, but really those were the only errors of that kind, so I figured I'd give you all the corrections to make while I saw them.
Any other errors are not really "errors" but maybe things that could be improved. Don't even worry, I find these many errors in my own work 24/7. If you want me to give you all of my suggested changes, just let me know, I'd be happy to help!
Great job!
Keep writing!
With Love,
Paige
Wow! From beginning to end, I was completely enthralled. I liked how I was able to hear the character's voice clearly, and although it didn't have much detail, I still felt all the emotions you were trying to convey. Was this just drabble, or was it a blurb from a current work? I'd love to read more.