Silver Ecstasy

Hi Lacy!

Right, I thought this was an... interesting concept. I mean certainly not something I've seen before, which is always a good thing really. I want to especially add that you used really nice language and yo're very good at describing things. There are also a few next steps I'd like to point out.

There was an uncontrollable need, a need to bleed.

Curiosity overwhelmed her. The decision was made. She got up walked out of her room to the door and stepped inside.

“I'm healing you child, I could not bear to see you die, I thought I could but i was wrong, you are special, you're beautiful, you're perfect. You see, this whole time I have been watching, waiting for you to notice the door and come to me. I’ve always been here, I've always wanted you.”

This is not what she wants.

It was very interesting but I feel its incomplete. You have a ending that's a really good idea but i would have put something about him morn her death but I want to know more about your female character. Why does she want to cut? What event made her finally decide to end it? Who is she? I love the idea here and you write well I just think you could further develop it.

Hello lovely,
I really like this. There's plenty of emotion in this piece, and I like how you made her wonder about weather or not killing herself would be a smart idea. It was very well done, but there was something's I noticed.

First was it was all one block of writing. When you don't space out your paragraphs it makes the story look unappealing, and that cause people to not want to read. This is what I would do:
"She never noticed a door there before. Where did it come from? Is it real? She felt sick to her stomach, all along there was a place to hide, a place she could be alone. A place of privacy when she cut. She couldn’t go in, not yet, maybe not ever, because she wasn’t sure if she wanted to be alone, not sure if she wanted privacy. Maybe she wanted someone to see what she did, for someone to save her. From herself? Not today.

Suddenly she felt herself propelling forward, walking to her bedroom. There was an uncontrollable need, a need to bleed. It came rushing over her. She started sweating, her heart racing, her feet moving faster and faster until she reached her door. She ran inside, locked the door behind her, ran to her bed and reached under the mattress where she pulled out a box of razors. She sat on the bed, razors in hand and debated for what felt like an hour, her mind drifting to the secret door. Should she walk through that secret door, to see what lay behind it?

Curiosity overwhelmed her. The decision was made. She got up walked out of her room to the door and stepped inside. She found herself in a strange land. Dead flowers lay everywhere she looked. A dark figure just out of reach, yet close enough to tell it was an 6 foot male with shaggy hair. Uncut hair, hair like twigs. She stood in the light of the doorway, he extended his right hand into the light, then his whole body. He was now standing next to her. His face was scarred and unhappy. His eyes were dark and twisted, black. The color of hate rose up from his being, permeating the air as he handed the girl an object. He was nothing more than a death loving mortal in his land and yet the tiny sliver of silver he had in his hand changed the girls life. She forgot about her own box of razors and took his. She sat down with rapture on her face, he sat too. She was happy, he was happy, all was right with the world.

She cut, it was different this time, this time she cut to kill. The blade sank into her soft silky skin, traveling up her forearm with ease, the boiling red liquid flowed into puddles at her feet. It made her laugh, this is what shes always wanted. It was going to end and everything would be okay. But oddly for some reason she didn’t slip away, she couldn’t leave. She started crying and saying “why?” then she looked over to the mysterious dark man, more like a demon, to ask for his help but what she saw astonished her. He was holding his hands out towards her and there was the slightest hint of pale red light coming from his palms. She didn’t understand what was happening.

. “I'm healing you child, i could not bear to see you die, I thought I could but i was wrong, you are special, you're beautiful, you're perfect. You see, this whole time I have been watching, waiting for you to notice the door and come to me. I’ve always been here, i’ve always wanted you.”

She looked at him, her eyes wide. This is not what she expected. This is not what she wants. Why did he say that? Why can't he let her go in peace? Why did he give her the shiny object? If she goes now, will she feel guilty knowing that she was loved? It was all so confusing, she didn't know what to do.

Tentatively she reached her right hand out, touching the of his face pulling him towards her, she leaned in and gently kissed the beast. “I'll always be with you, never forget me.” She pushed away from him and once again slid the blade up her other arm, looking into his eyes her eyes spoke “this is what I want.” Sadly he extended his arm, as she gave him a look of loving disappointment. He then put his arm back down. He watched her bleed, watched her die, watched as the life blood flowed through her body. She was gone and he was alone. Though love is lost, he now knows what it means to love."

I also noticed you switched tense from time to time. Not a lot, but a few times. Other then that, I really liked this piece. I think you should continue with it, because I have so many questions and I feel like I could really relate to the main character. Well done, and I hope to see more from you.

It's really good

It was really funny when it's like, "There was an uncontrollable need, the need to bleed."

hahaha someone has the uncontrollable need to bleed

but overall, great story! x

Firstly, I'll say you did a good work with imagery. The story works well as a short story but I'd suggest you to add more details about the girl. Her emotions have been described well so I think you can do a good job with her description as well.

Secondly, you could divide this story into paras which would give it a neat look and be more appealing to the reader as it's easier to read without getting lost.

Last of all, the last line seems to be like 'the moral of the story' so you could write it in a separate line. That way it would put a greater emphasis on the line itself.

Apart from that you did a good job. Keep it up and welcome to YWS!

This was quite dark and interesting. The emotions of the girl was described well, even though little is known of her. From her actions you have managed to tell us that she lacks love and has suffered.

I'm do not particularly like the ending. The end became about the demon, who we know only VERY little about. You could have made the end to be balanced between both characters. The demon could have watched her corpse and some description of her life and how he came to love her could have been given.

Anyway, it's a good story; and oh, welcome to YWS!

Hi, Lacy! I'm really impressed by this piece, especially being your first post! There were a a few little spelling issues, and partial sentences but as a whole you had a engaging sentences, and your word choice worked with the tone of the piece. I would suggest deffinently breaking this into a few paragraphs though if possible, to make it easier to read.

Although it was sort of hard for me to be thrust into this girl's imaginary world without much/any description of her, her story, or where she came from, I think it worked as a short story. You did a great job making the main character seem crazed, and illogical, but at the same time heartbreakingly relatable. Your imagery with the cutting: "boiling red liquid flowed into puddles at her feet." was so real! Just great use of adjectives overall!

There were just a few sentences that I thought were a little confusing: "He was nothing more than a death loving mortal in his land and yet the tiny sliver of silver he had in his hand changed the girls life." The 'death loving mortal in his land' was the confusing part to me, was he a mortal, demon, or beast? and did he love the girl or death? And where or what is his land?

I think there are also some parts when you switch back and forth in tenses so take a double check on that. Example: "She was gone and he was alone. Though love is lost, he now knows what it means to love."
I think the last sentence should be: "Though love was lost, he now knew what it meant to love." or if it's meant to be sort of a 'moral to the story' at the end I'd just put it on a new line by itself.

Thank you for posting, you have alot of talent putting emotion and imagery into writing! I look forward to reading more of your work in the future!

~alliyah~