I've got 10 pounds of sadness on my back ,
needless notes of how to improve that I never reread .
Like the lead pencils I haven't sharpened in weeks.
The sketchbooks I carry have torn pages so I never get to use them to draw before they crumple up.
I've got 10 pounds of sadness on my back,
held together by two straps of polycotton fibers that choose not to fall apart when I toss them over my shoulders.
Too many times have I had bags fall under pressure usually cause I'd put too much in them , and then have my mom scream at me cause the jars of ragu sauce are all over the floor and that night I'd eat tasteless pasta.
I've got 10 pounds of sadness on my back that I can't leave in a locker cause as much as I'd like too, the lock is kinda broken so even if I forget the combination .The locker opens up.
I've got a back problem ,a spasm on my lower right side , I went to the chiropractor when I was 11 years old mom said it was the right time ,But here I am 10 years later , with a lump on my right side and people say I could drop the weight but it's not the right time.
I've got 10 pounds of sadness up on my back,a backpack that never grows but always goes with me.
Still heavy no matter what I take out, everyone says I look tired well what can I say I always carry it around ,but God gave me a back that can handle 20 pounds so raise me 10 cause I carry a bag of sadness but not one that'll fall like the plastic bags that'd drop the ragu in the hall.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Aside from the grammatical errors here and there, and the occasional punctuation mishap, I really enjoyed reading this. The repetition of the title throughout the poem was a nice place to pause, a nice view to look over from the rest of the heavy subject matter littered throughout the piece.
"I've got 10 pounds of sadness on my back, needless notes of how to improve that I never reread, Like the lead pencils I haven't sharpened in weeks." was my favorite part, the opening line if you will. There was something about it that darkened my outlook on the piece, in a good way. There's something really lonely about "notes of how to improve that I never reread" that broke my heart and found myself relating to it in many ways.
My suggestion is to work on the punctuation, as it sometimes can mess the flow up in a poem depending on where it lands. All in all, good work and keep it up!
I like how you relate heavy backpacks and life. It's so interesting. Keep it up! I would like to fix a couple of things...
First, the sentence. "I've got 10 pounds of sadness on my back , needless notes of how to improve that I never reread ,Like the lead pencils I haven't sharpened in weeks." putting a capital letter after a comma is incorrect. It should be a lower case letter after the comma. A capital letter should be written after a period.
Second, the sentence. "I look tired well what can I say I always carry it around ,but God gave me a back that can handle 20 pounds so raise me 10 cause I carry a bag of sadness but not one that'll fall like the plastic bags that'd drop the ragu in the hall." You are kind of over wording a few things and not putting periods after a complete sentence. Try to separate a complete sentence and separate a conjunction before writing the rest of the sentences. Then, you can start a new sentence. Don't forget to put a period though when you are finished! By the way, the relation about this story to life is perfect!
No one is perfect, we all make mistakes. Sometimes, the most perfect people makes mistakes too, so do not give up on your dreams!
Hey there! MJ dropping by for a short review. Let's get started!
I've got 10 pounds of sadness on my back , needless notes of how to improve that I never reread ,Like the lead pencils I haven't sharpened in weeks. The sketchbooks I carry have torn pages so I never get to use them to draw before they crumple up.
Grammatical notes are in the spoiler.
Grammatical notes that must be fixed are in red
My comments are in blue
Comments with a strikethrough are parts that should be taken outSpoiler
I've got 10 pounds of sadness on my back, held together by two straps of polycotton fibers that choose not to fall apart when I toss them over my shoulders and i thank them for that. To be frank, I don't really like how you personify the backpack as a person.Too many times I've had bags
fallcollapse under pressure, usually because I'd put too much in them , and then have my mom scream at me cause the jars of ragu sauce are all over the floor, and that night I'd eat tasteless pasta.That sentence seems to be a run-onI've got 10 pounds of sadness on my back that I can't leave in a locker because as much as I'd like too, the lock is
kindabroken, so even if I forget the combination .The locker opens up. Now I'm confused. Didn't you just say that the locker couldn't open?I've got a back problem ,a spasm on my lower right side , I went to the chiropractor when I was 11 years old mom said it was the right time ,But here I am 10 years later , with a lump on my right side
and. People say I could drop the weight[color=red,[/color] but it's not the right time. I noticed that here, you had a space before you put your commas there, which is gramatically incorrect. I didn't want to go through and correct every instance, but I think you know what I mean.I've got 10 pounds of sadness up on my back,a backpack that never grows but always goes with me still as heavy no matter what I take out
,.E everyone says I look tired; well, what can I say, I always carry it around ,but God gave me a back that can handle 20 pounds so raise me 10 cause I carry a bag of sadness but not one that'll fall like the plastic bags that'd drop the ragu in the hall.I see what you're trying to say here, but since it's a run-on sentence it's kinda rushed. Your comparison to the plastic bags that dropped the ragu was a little bit weak, and there were also some smaller grammar errors in there.Overall, I thought that this was a good point, but it's a work in progress. There were a lot of grammar mistakes that interrupted the flow of the poem, and it felt more like an article, or a miscellaneous work. I liked the idea of how the backpack weighs down the person, and I also thought it was really nice how you started each paragraph with "I've got 10 pounds of sadness on my back", since it made it more poetic. Don't hesitate to contact me about any questions!
Best wishes,
MJ