Patient is a body that can not move,
For it has no choice.
The peices that compose the body fastened in bows and crosses.
Tangled in a spiral with no direction, a visceral construct tying up its existence.
The vessels sits motionless in action, its reactions go through without emotion.
No movement in its comossion ,Like a tide with no ocean.
Sound is not made when the mouth opens up for a knot has been made in the throat.
A knot so tight air can not pass , and each breath feels as it's the last .
In reality it's not but who could tell with such a knot.
A knot that starts in the heart and works its way up like a comet,
All you wanna do is talk and you can't even comment.
This is a grip an unmanageable twist, like the hair of a young girl when her brush gets stuck in it.
It's never learned how to stop the tangles it's just a fact that excist.
All we learn is what the sting is like and how to live with it.
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139,640 Literary Works • 672,638 Reviews
Great poem. As mentioned by others before me you need to work on grammar, but don't worry I have that problem. I cannot spell even if my life depended on it. None of your errors were distracting or obvious. Except one. The like should be lowercase. As per visuals and style A.K.A the most important part of writing you did a wonderful job. The poem didn't drag on unlike this review and I could get into the mind of the character ( something to be proud of) Overall, a great poem.
Hey there! Shey here for a review!
My first comment is on the visual. While I think it's kind of nice to have a picture, I don't think it's really necessary, and is basically just taking up space. You have a great, descriptive poem below it, and since the poem is so descriptive, the reader can picture everything themselves. It makes the image irrelevant. I won't say you should remove it, but at the same time, having unnecessary things in poetry is not always ideal. It's up to you, of course, since you're the poet.
I also noticed a lot of grammatical errors throughout the piece, mostly the result of typos. I won't point them out in the review, because then I'm just being nitpicky, but a simple solution in the future is to proof read your piece several times, just to ensure there's no errors.
I really liked the topic of this poem. It was unique and made for an enjoyable read. I'm always happy to see a piece which isn't cliché, or has an overused theme/topic, so yours was refreshing.
Overall, great piece! I look forward to seeing more from you! Keep up the great work!
Thank you for the pointers , Im working to get better at proof reading but I'll definitely keep a more open eye too it.
As for the illustration I didn't think it'd actually be that big I understand it's kind of unnecessary but I'm a illustrator so I wanna give My writings a little something else , but I understand it takes alot of space so I'll see what I can do for next time. Thank you.
I wasn't aware you drew that! It's really great! You should continue to illustrate your works, just probably make them smaller.
Keep writing!
I really liked the wording here. The words you chose gave a perfect visual, and was easy to imagine. I love the variety of vocabulary! That being said, it doesn't sound like an enjoyable experience at all. As a reader, you start to imagine and almost feel what the words are saying, and it kindles some sort of emotion, whether it be empathy or even fear of it. Really good job.
I did pick up a couple of flaws, however. There are a couple of spelling mistakes.
"The peices that compose the body..." -- just switch the E and I around. I make that mistake all the time so it's no biggy at all. The second last line also has "excist", which is correctly spelled "exist."
Also, "A know so tight air can not pass..." You would type "can not" as one word so it becomes "cannot." That's the spelling for the term. ^^
There are a few punctuation and grammatical errors also, but they are only minor. Watch out for unnecessary spacing between commas and capitalization. In general it's important to proof read your writing after you have finished it, if not several times.
Minus the common mistakes made by other people, this was really well done!!! You should be proud and share this with other people. I can see that you have talent in writing and a knack for being quite descriptive. Keep up the good work!!
~ Lisbeth
Thank you for pointing out where exactly I had made the mistakes! And thank you for everything.