Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
*Original plot years have been changed to allow more variety in terms of 'Mechs, weaponry, and other plots: Year is 3080, instead of the mentioned 3041-42 in the plot summary
Aster Wick ran his fingers through his shaggy black hair. A slight greasiness came away on his fingers and he scowled. For two days he'd been in the field, inside his 'Mech. For two days, he had gone without a shower or proper bed. His temper was very short and he was exhausted. Usually routine patrols didn't last this long but he suffered through it and he knew he should be on his way back to the city of Styx soon. His stomach growled, one more thing to occupy his thoughts. Living out of his pack had more of a challenge because he didn't get to pack everything he was supposed. The order for his patrol came so quickly, he didn't have time to react.
As for his 'Mech, his 20 tonne 'Light' Fire Moth class, had been working extremely hard to keep up with the woodland terrain of planet Aquila. His 'Mech, barely coming up to the waist and torso gyros and joints of other models, had been struggling with the forests and swamps his route had taken him on. Fire Moths were meant for open field terrains, as they were fast. Very fast.
Aster looked out his front facing view port and surveyed the endless looking stretch of trees in front of him. He sighed as he powered down the reactor of his Battlemech. Hearing the fusion reactor whine down put him into a state of comfort and a small smile came across his face. He opened the top hatch and climbed onto the top of the hull. The Fire Moth's upraised "arms" greeted him and blocked his vision to his left and right. The barrels of the twin Armor Piercing Gauss Cannons protruded from the left "arm."
"Gotta replace those," Aster mumbled to himself. He hated the Gauss Cannons. Particularly because they generated an enormous amount of heat for each shell fired, and they carried a very limited supply of said shells.
Turning to his right, he inspected the right "arm" and remembered he didn't put any weapon systems on that one. He didn't know why he hadn't, he just didn't. He felt weak and unprotected without whatever 'Mech he was piloting having everything mounted onto it.
Pushing himself out of the pilot's cockpit with his knee on the edge of the hatch, he gripped the hand bars and pulled to get himself out the rest of the way. His 'Mech, on the outside, smelled like charred metal and burning electronics. A metallic tang hit the back of his throat and he coughed. The various servos and motors within the leg joints were clearly getting to hot and that was not good in the long run.
A cool breeze blew into Aster's face and he reveled in it. He wasn't able to get out of his 'Mech very often on patrol and he gladly took any opportunity to do so. He sat for a few minutes enjoying the wind when he heard his radio click on.
"Styx Command to Goliath one four, come in one four," a smooth female voice broke the white noise of the radio. Aster sighed, "Crap, can't even enjoy a breeze."
He scooted himself back down into the cockpit and started the powerup sequence to his machine. As the computer in his 'Mech ran through the mandatory system checks, Aster grabbed his helmet and slid it on. Grimacing as he slid the cold, sweaty liner over his ears, he clicked the radio on.
"Goliath one four, go ahead Command," he replied.
"One four, SATCOM shows that you have stopped. Is everything alright? Do you need air evacuation?" the female voiced, sounded professional but clearly concerned. Rightly so, as a lot of border attacks have been happening to his Clan's territories.
"Negative Command, I just needed to stretch the ol' legs," Aster replied with a smile.
"Come on, Aster, we both know the Captain will have your ass if you take much longer out there," the woman took a much more casual tone. She was sincerely concerned.
"You know me, Shara, I'll be back by dinner tonight if my Moth will be as fast as they are," he said with a smile as he keyed commands into the side console.
"Okay, just be safe, Command out."
"Reactor online," the computer informed Aster. Nodding out of habit as he watched console lights flicker on.
"Weapon Systems online."
"GPS online."
Aster tuned out the rest as he watched the screen to his right as the computer did a diagnostic test. Everything was greenlit and good to go. Aster pushed forward on the control stick in his right hand. The Fire Moth lurched forward and it's feet came crashing down with muffled thuds. He was on the move. He was on his way home.
...........
Aster viewed the GPS and saw that he was about forty five minutes from Styx. Plenty of time to just enjoy the landscape. He was settling in when an alert ran across his Heads Up Display. Red lights flashed across his HUD and the words 'Incoming Missile' made Aster's heart sink. Immediately woken up out of his stupor, he sprung into action. Punching keys and looking out his viewports for the missile contrails, he clicked his radio on.
"Styx Command, this is Goliath one four, I have incoming missiles! Track my position, ping, and send me any information on anything that is not me or one of ours!" he shouted. He pulled hard on the control stick and saw the missiles coming in at his 11 o'clock. Fast and low. That could only mean one thing. A Summoner .
"Okay, okay," Aster was breathing heavily. It had been a while since he had seen combat. "I can do this."
As long as he remained mobile, the Summoner couldn't keep up with the Fire Moth. Unfortunately, while the Summoner couldn't, the missiles certainly could if he wasn't careful.
"Goliath one four, sending you the information. One Heavy class Summoner, two klicks to your northwest. Dispatched two Omega Squad Mad Dogs to your location, over."
"Roger that, advise I do not have weapons that can dent it so I can't engage, do you copy," Aster was bringing his Fire Moth in the direction of the Summoner. If he couldn't beat it, he could certainly, literally, drive circles around it. Buy him some time for the other Heavy class Mad Dogs to get there and put that Summoner in its place.
"Roger that, don't engage, will send more information as we get it, over."
"RIght, gotcha," Aster said as he gunned the Fire Moth in the direction of the red diamond on his HUD, "I'll make you dance you son of a bitch."
As he crested the hill, the giant form of the Summoner greeted Aster, along with the giant Rocket/Missile launcher tube mounted on the Summoner's left shoulder, pointed right at Aster's little Fire Moth.
"Oh god..." Aster's stomach sank.
End of chapter
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141,290 Literary Works • 674,333 Reviews
Not bad dude, (or dudette).
I enjoy the descriptions of the mechs, though I don't think you needed to quote "arms" so many times. I get that they're not human arms, so you're good there.
You seem to really have done your research on mech anatomy, functions, and capabilities. You even went so far as to describe how it smells outside of the hot seat. That's pretty cool. Describing mechs (or as they're called in my story, M.A.S., or Mobile Artillery Suits) is not my forte, so I'm pleased to see somebody's got a handle on it, at least.
I will agree, however, that the planet could use a little more fleshing out. The point of an alien planet is that it's supposed to look alien, unless some sort of intervention happened in which the people who terraformed it tried to make it as Earth-like as possible. No, you need a crazy sky with a shattered moon, or a binary star system, or something like that. It's not Earth, so you need to convince me that it's not, even if it is almost perfectly close to conditions on Earth.
You mention there are trees, and swamps. What do the trees look like? Are they like redwoods, or do they have glowing sacs that release spores into the air? What color are the leaves? What are the flora and fauna like? Is the area Aster is occupying home to a certain kind of predatory alien animal that walks on six legs? Or did everybody import the fauna from Earth? That could be possible, but you have to keep in mind, the animal evolved to best survive the environment it lives in. So if Aquila has higher gravity (which I doubt since that would play hell on piloting a mech), you'd see a lot more creatures that are suited to higher gravity such as huge bodies and thick legs that move extremely slowly, such as an elephant... Or on the flip side, if the planet had less gravity, you would expect to see a lot of flyers, such as the winged beasts in Avatar, because Pandora is a planetoid with significantly lower gravity and mass than on Earth.
You're probably going into that later, which is why I'm not suggesting you do that in this first chapter. Just think about some of that stuff as you go further.
As far as a first chapter goes, it's fairly engaging, and I'm interested to see how Aster fares in combat (assuming he's not a charburger).
Also, have some fun with this world generator ( http://donjon.bin.sh/scifi/world/ )
and see if you can't make Aquila. It even gives you stats such as axis rotation, hours in a day, orbit around the sun, and all kinds of good stuff. You might want to ignore the bits about the atmosphere composition, though, since Aster would probably have a hard time getting fresh air in a methane-based atmosphere
Living out of his pack had more of a challenge because he didn't get to pack everything he was supposed.-- this sentence is a little weird. Did you leave a few words out?
I'd enjoy reading more description of the landscape and scenes in this story... it'd make it more interesting. Otherwise, good job. I will be awaiting more...
-rissymay
I really like the way you interpret the mecha suits. The terminology seems very realistic, what with everything techy like it is. Along with this is the military-style communication between Aster and Command, which I know can be hard to pull off.
Things like this really add to the realism of the entire situation.
However, one thing I would really like to see is a little more description of Aquila. You've gone, 'Hey, I got a brand new setting on some far-flung alien planet', but there's nothing really described in detail other than a large forest.
That's all I can find.
What's worse is at the moment, there's nothing making the planet different form Earth. The fun part of making a new setting on an alien planet is that you can go through the roof with how different everything is, and no-one can point fingers and say that's false. Look at something like Avatar. It's stupid, how vibrantly different, yet vaguely familiar everything is. I want Aquila to be unique. But hey, this is only chapter one, you'll no doubt get around to that, and also, it's just my opinion. Your story, your planet.
In relation to the actual description of everything else, it's nice. You've focused on the parts of the mecha suits, but nothing in detail, like shape or colour, which maybe you should address. But, again, I'm someone who loves reams of description, so just do what you think fits. But the entire terminology, spot on. It feels as though you've actually been working with these things for a long time.
Don't think I'm being too harsh- on the contrary, I really like the concept and how you've presented it, plus the fact that all the things I don't like aren't blatant errors, just based on opinion, which doesn't matter unless you agree.
So, yeah, keep it up, I'll be watching this one.