Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
The Commander shook his head and sighed. “You really are nothing but trouble, huh? Better not rub off on my daughter. But…” He gestured to our previous positions, “I think I failed at that.”
Carol covered her ripe red face, humming and squealing in embarrassment. “I didn’t– I mean– It’s not–” she stammered, “We’re just–”
“Songbird,” he said in a firm tone, “Next time follow your friend’s advice and lock the door. Dinner’s ready.” He shut the door softly. Carol was still shivering from sheer shock. I giggled to myself a bit.
It was so strange being able to share a building with the person I wanted to kill and not go after him. It’d make my little canary too sad. “Don’t laugh at me!” she shouted, pouting and stomping her foot. “The one time I tried to be romantic… One time!”
“Carol, it’s fine. At least it was your dad and not your sister,” I said, “Besides, he seemed fine with it."
Her shoulders jumped at the mere thought. “Oh gosh, that’d traumatize Clover for life.” Clover was her little sister and, well, she was pretty dumb all things considered. Her words, not mine. It was hard for her to string words together and she never really excelled at school. The only reason she was passing is because of her powers. Outside of Clover, she was also known as Lucky. Despite everything, she had extraordinary luck. If she didn’t study at all for a test, she’d just barely pass it. She coasted on C’s, and she probably would for the rest of her life. “I still don’t think he likes you much.”
“I have no idea why.” That earned a chuckle from her.
Carol sat beside me, her hand over mine. “Besides that, I just don’t think he likes your attitude. Poor girl on the wrong side of the city with his ‘favorite little hero.’ He’s not very accepting of Undercity folk. Thinks they’re all scum and villains.”
In a way, I don’t think he was wrong. I was a villain, most of the kids I knew were villains, and everyone else were smugglers, black-market dealers, and a few drug addicts and alcoholics scattered among them. The problem that he failed to see was that these heroes created it. The scum needed a refuge and heroes let it fester. You can’t be a superhero if there aren’t any bad guys, right?
“But I promise he’ll treat you alright tonight. I’ll make him,” she beamed at me. Carol was always a ray of sunshine, believing in the best of everyone. I wished to be just as optimistic as her, but I knew she needed someone to be realistic (even if she said I was pessimistic). “Now, do we want dinner or what?”
I kissed her on the cheek, “Of course, little dove.”
So, we stepped out of her pastel and monochrome room, then down onto the first floor. The living room and kitchen were connected, cut off by just a shiny island with ingredients spread all over. None of them were open, though. It became apparent that after failing to use a cookbook, they all decided on Chinese takeout. I felt my stomach growl. It wasn’t as good as homemade dumplings and rice, but Chopstix was also our favorite place to go when we were particularly lazy or Arachnie refused to eat whatever we cooked sometimes (saying the stove was too dirty to have anything healthy made on, despite her cannibalistic tendencies).
“Oh– Piper? How did you get here?” Her mother, Sage, greeted me. She didn’t have any other superhero name. Just Sage, the herbalist able to heal any wound and cure any illness. They had to be bacterial, though. Cancer and sickle cell were out of her league. She was as cold as ice to everyone, but I liked her more than Commander. At least she was honest. Mr. Dixon was fairly two-faced, all things considered.
“I teleported,” I lied. She raised a brow, then shrugged. To them, I was just a normal human. No powers, no nothing. Just a street kid on the bad side of town. Good. That’s how I wanted it.
Carol and I took a seat next to Clover, who was on a cushion to help boost her to the table. “I hope you like dinner tonight,” Mr. Dixon said to me, struggling with the way chopsticks worked. I had to hold back my snickers. Of course, Lucky was instantly able to grasp the concept (without any kiddy clips) and chowed down on her noodles. “You are Chinese, right? I can’t really tell the difference between them all.”
I tried to ignore any implications with that, but Carol gave her dad a hard glare. “Yep. My mom was Greek, though.”
“Oh, really?” Sage said, brightening just slightly. The accusatory look in her eyes never faded. “You’ve never talked about your mom before.” Carol kicked her foot under the table. “Never do that again, Songbird.” Carol slowly lowered her head.
I knew how she felt, though. Anger boiled in my chest. Unreleased to the public, there was evidence that in the early days of creating their little superhero team, they went to the biggest crime syndicate and struck a deal with them. Of course, my mother had to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Journalism was one of the most deadly jobs, after all.
“Well, she’s not exactly around, so no reason to talk about her, right?” I said, poking the lukewarm dumplings with fake wooden chopsticks.
The Commander feigned sympathy, but Sage shrugged nonchalantly. “What’s it like?” Clover asked, wiggling and writhing in her seat.
“What? Having no mom?” I replied. Clover slurped in a bowl of noodles while she nodded yes. A girl of little words.
I had to think for a moment. I always found it difficult to compare myself to the average family. Songbird had a little sister, a mother, and a dad and they all lived together under one happy, highly defensive roof.
I lived with my dad, who could control thousands of rats and called himself the rat king.
Winifred, a girl whose skin was split into joints made of porcelain that could only speak in signs while her mouth was forced into a constant smile.
Arachnie, a cannibalistic, southern spider lady obsessed with her own beauty.
Lifeforce, a guy who might be as old as George Washington and smokes just to test his power.
Crybaby, a boy who could control people’s emotions with his own and cried at least eight hours a day.
Don’t get me started on the previous tenants who all moved out. Or died.
“It’s not that different, really,” I lied. “I mean, sure, around her birthday and anniversaries, it’s kinda weird, but it happened so long ago that there’s no point in feeling sad about it.”
Only anger.
Clover wasn’t paying attention, but I felt Carol put her hand over mine under the table. When I glanced over, she nodded to me. Even the Commander seemed a bit more hesitant and awkward than usual. Sage wasn’t swayed in the slightest. “That’s a lovely sentiment,” she said, flatly, “but please refrain from speaking about death to my youngest. She’s too dumb to realize the gravity of these subjects.”
“Mom!” Carol slammed her fists on the table, “You don’t get to say that about my little sister!”
“I get to say what I want about my own daughters. Now stop being so…” Sage simply eyed her up and down, “Reactive. We have guests.”
Songbird grumbled her complaints, but gave up trying to convince her mom of anything. She was right, unfortunately. Clover, the poor elementary schooler, was dumb as bricks. Nothing went on in her head besides a goldfish spinning in circles.
My girlfriend gave me a look as she slumped down into her seat. It’s not like the Commander, O high and mighty, would do anything. So, I cleared my throat. “I heard you needed a violinist for Songbird’s concert, right?”
“Oh, yes,” Sage said, “He backed out last minute. Something about his mother falling ill.”
The Commander shrugged. “That’s what happens when you’re from the Undercity. Sickness, poverty, and scum. Good riddance,” he said. I bit my tongue so hard it bled slightly. I’d gotten used to the taste of iron, at least. “No idea why anyone stays there,” he added.
“Well, anyways,” Carol said, seeing the fury in my eyes, “Um, I have some news about that.” She stood up shyly and gestured to me. “Piper volunteered in his spot.”
The husband and wife’s eyes widened. The Commander was shocked while Sage was suspicious. She gave me her signature run down, examining my dirty shoes, hoodie, everything in a single up-and-down glance. I felt so exposed whenever she did it. “You? You can play violin? I had no idea.”
It was so annoying how she hid her criticism against people behind ambiguous wording. Her tone and face were the only indicators of true intentions.
I smiled innocently at her. “I took classes when I was younger,” I lied again. I never had the money to even touch a violin. Thankfully, along with the power to hypnotize and control almost everything but plants, I could play any instrument I laid my hands on with expert skill. Songbird and I debated if that was even a superpower, but not many people understood the intricacies of the saxophone right when their hands touched the brass.
Sage clearly didn’t believe it. “Well, not official classes, like you guys, but my parents knew a guy down under. Former professional, but he lost his house in a fight against the Rat King.” Finally, I told a partial lie. Those were much easier to get away with. There was a guy who knew a lot about instruments and lost his house, but he was actually a drummer for a popular underground (yeah, double-meaning there) band. He wasn’t really a professional old guy either, but instead a reckless seventeen year old who had hundreds of absences in school. I wasn’t any better about absences, either.
The Commander and Sage seemed awfully uncomfortable after that. Only light small talk persisted before Sage took everyone’s plates and empty boxes to clean them out. Clover excitedly cracked open her fortune cookie, only to find it empty. It took them a while to realize how lucky that was, since everyone else had gotten a generic “Tomorrow is a new day!’ message. Bad luck and good luck are still luck, after all.
“So,” Sage said as she finished washing the dishes, “Do you plan on staying for the night?”
I looked at Carol. Carol looked at me. I knew that gleam in her eyes. “Of course. If you’d let me.”
The Commander broke into the conversation before Sage could give a snarky remark. He smiled innocently, “Why not?”
Sage snapped her head over at him and glared, only for the Commander to explain simply. “I don’t want my daughter worrying about her friend’s safety in the Undercity. Especially the night before a concert.” Sage gave up and sauntered to her room upstairs. I heard her sigh loudly. Of course, she only did it because we’d notice it. I still had no clue how she got married to the top superhero of the country.
“Thanks, dad,” she said half-heartedly. “Text me if you decide to make some dessert!” She gave Clover a quick pat on the head before she bolted upstairs. It was funny how eager she could be. Even funnier, her little sister frowned when she realized that Carol didn’t want to play dolls with her. She was still adjusting to not getting everything she wanted through sheer luck.
I gave her a pat on her ginger hair, too, which brightened her up a bit, but I ran upstairs as soon as I could. I wasn’t going to let karma draw me into her again. I closed the door and locked it the moment I stepped in. “So? I saw that look in your eyes,” I called, teasingly. Then, I realized what I walked into.
She stepped out of her black dress and struggled to pull a white one around her hips. Other than undergarments, I saw the most skin I ever did. Thank God she didn’t hear me before. She growled. “I just bought this! Did it shrink in the wash?” Finally, she looked up at me. “What?”
My face was burning up. “Oh, um, nothing. Just enjoying the view.”
Songbird’s cheeks were pink, but she was much calmer than I was. “Look, all I’m saying is you’ve made quick changes in front of me. I thought you’d be more chill with it!”
“Yeah, because I was in my Pied Piper costume! I’m forced to change out of that! I didn’t even get fully naked! I had a shirt and some shorts on me, at least.”
Carol shook her head with a smile, “And a simple black dress is my most iconic outfit. I thought I’d doll up if I had to change.”
I knew I wasn’t wonderful with emotions, but I felt my heart swell when she said that. I felt a bit bad for being in just a hoodie while she slipped into some nice pumps that matched her white, glittery angel hair. She must’ve read my mind. “I have some spares,” she grinned.
“Nah, I’m good,” I responded, stepping onto the balcony railing. “Besides, I doubt we’re going anywhere nice. I think it’s time I introduce you to some of my friends.”
Carol’s eyes widened. “Piper! I’ve only been to the Undercity once! Are you sure I’ll be welcome there? And I thought we were keeping our relationship secret!”
“As long as you’re with me, you’re safe. They respect my family down there. Besides, they might care about you up here, but down under, they barely know the name Songbird,” I said, jumping off and onto the soft grass. Carol hesitantly followed, taking her time to safely get down. “It’s not like I’m going to be showing you off, anyways. We’re only going to visit a family friend. I’ve been meaning to check in on them, and they’ve barely got friends anyway. Highly unlikely the secret will break out.”
Songbird took a deep breath and then held my hand. She squeezed it. “I trust you. But, um, let’s make it quick. I think I wanna try that new 24/7 cafe. It’s right by headquarters.”
“We’ll make time. I promise.”
Her smile was so delicate and filled with light. God, I couldn’t get over her. “Okay.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hey Koco, Icy here for a quick review today!
Haha famous last words - I love this set up as the protective father.
This feels a bit of an information overload. Consider, does the reader need all of this information? If yes, can you drip feed it so it feels a little more natural?
I'm struggling a bit with the amount of nicknames here. Carol having so many means it takes me a minute to realise that we're actually referring to her character. So far our mc has referred to her by name, but then also by Songbird, robin, and canary. Are all these needed?
Otherwise though, I think you've done a good job at hinting at where this story is going with this chapter. Toast has covered it in more depth but I think the weaving in mentions of the differing classes and the tensions it causes has set you up for writing some good conflict. I feel like I don't know too much about our MC yet, but I'm interested enough to read on which is always good for a second chapter!
Hope this was helpful.
Icy
Hello Hello, I hope you dont mind me popping in with a quick review. I wanted to help clear the greenroom and this caught my eye. However, this means I have not read the first part so I will apolizge for anything I get wrong. I still hope my thoughts will be helpful even if I am going to be going in a tad blind. Let's get into it, shall we?
Overall I found it super ( no pun intended ) interesting. I do love a superhero story so this setup was a pleasant surprise. Sapphic romance on top of that I am down to see how this plays out.
The biggest thing that I want to sink my teeth into is worldbuilding. I am honestly so intrigued about the backstory here. There seem to be a lot of different class dynamics and prejudices at play here. This is sadly very realistic but makes me want to know more like are there powers favoured over the others? What about people without powers? Are they looked down upon?
All in all, I love the subtext and ideas you are playing with here. Furthermore, you did a stellar job portraying the family as stuck up and very comfortable with perspectives that aren't their own. Especially Captain with that one Chinese line.
I am also very interested when it comes to powers. You picked some interesting powers with very reasonable limits. I have a feeling that they will come into play later. I am curious how powers develop because it doesn't seem to be based on DNA.
Now I think I am going to move on to feedback. I am not a professional nor do you have to use anything I say. You are the author after all!
Personally I think Ripe feels a bit off. Now I don't usually recommend going back to overused phrases. However, I would rephrase this a bit.
The next line I want to bring up has a similar nitpick.
I know that this isn't the full sentence however the thought feels a bit unfinished. I would rephrase it like this.
Lastly, I wanted to bring up one nitpicky case of telling over-showing.
[/quote]Mr. Dixon was fairly two-faced, all things considered.[/quote]
I know that this was probably set up in the first part however, I wonder if there were any chances to show this without stating it. Maybe a smile turns into a grimace or him contradicting his previous statements in small ways.
Regardless of this feedback, I enjoyed my readthrough. I hope life is treating you well I know you haven't been on much. I will still wish you a happy Revmo nonetheless!
As always keep writing and remember to drink water!
Hi Koco! I’m toast, and I’m here to take a dive into chapter 2 of Strays!.
First,
I really loved this chapter overall! The first chapter set up some realllyyyy nice world-building, allowing us to jump straight into the story! I enjoyed the juxtaposition (omg huge word) of Piper and Carol’s backgrounds and their personalities. It felt like such an opposites attract situation and the family dynamics for this chapter was surprisingly fun and well executed!
For the story,
I love the subtle humor that’s been sprinkled throughout this chapter! It makes the reading all the more enjoyable. Also, I love how our protagonist (Piper) calls Carol by various bird names.
I love how blatantly classism exists in this city, yet people think it’s justice, especially the superheroes. It gives a nice newer perspective that isn’t as prevelant as the traditional tropes of superhero movies.
Again, an amazing contrast between the heroes and the “undercity” people; I love how we get to see the more unexplored sides of the superhero genre and you seemed to handle it pretty well over here.
Even though such blatant classims exist, I really appreciate how Commander isn’t a complete a-hole (idk if your okay with this word but,,, ykwim right?) and still cares about his daughter and her friends very deeply.
Ooh, I love how the story ended with a little thread of cliffhanger! Also, nice romantic line at the end. It feels that there’s so much prejudice about the undercit that exists in this universe and I can’t wait for it to be revealed more!
All in All,
I really enjoyed this story and can’t wait for more! There’s not that much to critique as the chapter was pretty well written; a nice amount of descriptive words, suspense, reality, and humor mixed in!
Have a nice day! (or night who knows