“I've never seen the train this up close," Eleanor said, pulling at the hems of her skirt. "I did try to avoid it, but still. It's so big."
She'd heard only the slight gossip from her father about the train, but Taylor knew almost everything about it. It was a project launched straight after the war ended, it traveled to and connected all moons and space chunks alike, and anyone could go down to the main planet free of charge now. It also had some really nice accommodations, apparently. It was going to be an two hour trip, so it made sense there would be books and TV and even a whole train car for kids heading to school.
On the outside, it was red and shiny, like an average subway from Earth, except the few bits of silver had an odd pink tint to it. Most metals did on Iris.
"I'm sure it'll be fine," Taylor said, picking at the straps of his bag. "It's not that bad there. Especially the kids' car. They've got stuff to do while it picks up others, and sometimes they serve breakfast. I like the train."
Sophia ruffled his clean, blonde hair. Both had been equipped with new clothes. Sophie wore the same kind of plain button-up Eleanor did, along with the green plaid skirt. Thankfully, Daddy let her wear leggings and her favorite plain sweater on top of it. Taylor was scrubbed thoroughly by his mom even earlier that morning. His uniform was the exact same, though he wore a pair of shorts instead. A part of Ellie wondered if they could trade legwear, but she doubted Taylor would be down for a skirt on the first day.
Ellie yawned. It should've been criminal to make them go to school this early. The sun wasn't even up yet! She really shouldn't have taken Daddy's homeschool for granted.
"Taylor? Will you be alright if I sit next to Eleanor?" Sophia asked, glancing between the both of them. He sighed, but eventually nodded. Sophia kissed her little brother's forehead. "Thanks, man. Don't worry, I'll make sure nobody sits next to you." That seemed to cheer him up slightly.
A rush of pink hit Eleanor's cheeks as she rubbed her shoe into the dirt. Why was Sophia so keen on being close to her? She didn't mind it when it was Sophia, of course, but it was rather odd in her brain.
Everything was odd, actually. Ever since she arrived in front of the rails, something felt off. A weird feeling in her tummy and an itchy feeling on her head. She just hated this feeling, whatever it was. She wanted to go home, but with a large mechanical beast in front of her, escape wasn't an option. Why couldn't Daddy have stayed for one moment longer?
Sophia seemed amazed by the giant train. Her eyes scanned every bit of it, imagining the scientific genius behind making a speedy metro that flew through the sky on train tracks and could stay in orbit! It was incredible.
She looked over to her new friend. "Ellie?" she whispered, holding her brother's hand tightly.
"Yeah?" Eleanor responded, rubbing the toe of her foot into the dirt. It was so strange being forced into nice shoes instead of her usual slides or beaten up sneakers. She never knew shoelaces could look so shiny and white.
"Are you okay? You look scared." Sophia said. Taylor eyed her up and down curiously.
Eleanor struggled to come up with an answer. In the long run, she'd be fine, but right now? She was not. She wanted to puke and cry and run home to her dad.
Instead, she shrugged. Sophia and Taylor were content to drop it there. Besides, the train started to depressurize and the doors opened wide. Eleanor gripped her backpack's straps even tighter when a tall and bulky man with a beard stepped out. He examined the children carefully. All of them knew the signs of someone who had fought in the war. This was him.
Sophia gripped her brother's wrist and walked him up the stairs to the conductor, a large grin on her face. The conductor's eyes barely glanced at her before he bent down and stapled something to her chest. She yelped and pulled back. It looked like some sort of check, the same kind used to herd cattle. Eleanor froze up. All she could read on it was their starting and ending point, along with some information only the adults could understand.
Thankfully, it didn't seem to nick her. Sophia stared at the tag curiously as her brother got the same pin through his shirt. She brought Taylor into the train car before he could make a fuss.
The conductor put his gaze on Eleanor, trembling where she stood. "Um, c-can I just, uh," she stuttered, rubbing her foot into the dirt even harder. She hated her tight shoes, she hated her scratchy button-up, she hated it all.
"C'mon, Ellie!" Sophia called from the platform. Taylor wasn't anywhere to be seen. "There's this cool computer system here! She's super friendly, too!"
A person could be a computer? That was enough to convince Eleanor she had to get on that train. She hadn't seen a computer in years.
Ellie took a deep breath, and finally stepped onto the stairs. She stared at the train conductor right in the eyes. It was only then she noticed the scar across his forehead. Eleanor stuck her hand out. “Just gimme the ticket.”
The conductor almost seemed impressed. Almost. Instead, he just sighed and grabbed the front of her sweater, stapling the paper into her chest. "There. Now get in. I've got three more stops and I can't be late."
Eleanor's feet stuck to the ground. She tried to think, tried to do anything, but that staple felt like a violation. Why didn't he just hand it to her? Her request wasn't something massive, was it? Sure, it might not be a big deal, but it was to her. Now, she had been touched and there was something sticking to her and closing in and–
Sophia took the initiative to drag Eleanor into the train. She stumbled in, tripping as she was lead into the children's creche. The conductor quickly stepped inside and slammed the hatch shut. Eleanor jumped at the sound of the metro depressurizing.
Filled with toys, arts and crafts, and games. Taylor was already enamored with one of the many screens. Both Sophia and Eleanor had practically forgotten how advanced technology was, especially during the war. Sophia rubbed her thumb across Eleanor's hand, then smiled. Eleanor couldn't smile back.
She was too terrified, too scared. This wasn't like anything she knew. The perfect tempartures weren't anything like home. The holovids were too new and strange. Everything was just so much. Too much. Why was everything so new and colorful? Why did the children's creche need to have so many weird kids and colors and noises? Why was everything so much!?
"Hello, children!" a robotic voice greeted. A computer flipped down in front of Sophia and Eleanor. When she looked, Eleanor saw that the computer was attached to a rail, allowing it to move back and forth the entire train. The screen had the image of a young woman with clips in her hair. Her smile was bright, though her eyes looked a bit lifeless. Eleanor was surprised to see her face and torso moving. "My name is Trolley. I am, well, the train! More officially, the train's A.I. That's why they call me Trolley. control everything in this train, from the heating to the games to our next destination!" the A.I. explained.
Sophia giggled, "Really?"
"Really!" Trolley exclaimed, "The best part? I can be everywhere, anyone at once! For the children's creche, I'm placed in child-friendly interactive mode. I can play games, teach, and I can even tell jokes! I'm practically a sentient being! Not by much, though. My personality is just a program filled with ones and zeros."
Eleanor tilted her head, staring judgementally at the computer. "Tell me a joke, then."
"Ok!" Trolley might have her own personality, but she didn't seem to express it much. "Why did the computer cross the road?"
Eleanor glanced at Sophia, then back at Trolley. "I dunno. Why?"
Trolley closed her eyes and smiled. Her voice replaced itself with a completely artificial tone, reminiscent of computers centuries ago. Her 'lips' didn't even move.
"01010100 01101111 00100000 01100111 01100101 01110100 00100000 01100001 00100000 01100010 01111001 01110100 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01100101 01100001 01110100 00100001"
Both Sophia and Eleanor blinked at the screen.
When Trolley looked at them, she let out a soft huff and frowned. Her voice still had a robotic static attached, but her human tones and inflections returned. "Sorry! That was a bit of computer humor. It's something between me and the conductor." There was a pause, as if she was processing information. She came to seconds later. "Alright, children! It's best you find a place to park it. We'll be going in just a few minutes! Of course, you are allowed to walk around freely, but I do tend to be a bit shakey when I start up. I suggest you go sit by that boy named Taylor! I'm told he's your sister, after all."
With that, Trolley's screen flipped back up to the ceiling. The crane holding her moved along the rail to the center of the room, where an activity table full crayons lay.
"Wow… I almost forgot we could do that! Who would've imagined we could make a living train!" Sophia said as she sat down beside Taylor. Only seperated by bookshelves, there were cushioned seats built into the flooring with round tables connected. Taylor was too busy with a holo-projected block-stacking game from a device built into the table. Eleanor found it funny how he just had to wag his finger in the air to cause a stack of colored bricks to drop.
"It's weird," Eleanor mumbled. The train started with harsh rumble, similarly to a lion's roar. "I don't like it."
Sophia ran her hand over Eleanor's. "I'm sure we'll get used to it, Ellie. Just think about how much more cool technology they'll have down on Iris!"
Eleanor's brow furrowed. "I'm trying not to think about it."
"Oh."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Salutations, curious mind!
Rinisha here, ready to dive into the pages of this intriguing story. 📚!
Buckle up, 'cause we're diving into my review magic! ✨
The Good Stuff:
First of all, let's talk about the parts that really rocked!
I reviewed part two of this amazing story already. I also caught chapter three, so I could review part four. So far, I am impressed, the way that you are making up a whole new planet is just out of this world. You are doing a great job with keeping the story flowing and not to forget your descriptions. Very on point!
I like the fact that you placed an AI in the story, it makes it more relatable to the here and now, because everything is about AI’s now. (I love the name you chose for the AI, Trolly.) You are portraying Ellie’s feelings in a great way and I think you have really fleshed her out more compared to chapter one. You have made a lot of improvements and I admire it!
Areas to Improve:✒️
In the beginning you talk about the train and what it looks like. How it is on the inside and about all the cool features it has. The train seems like every child's “Hogwarts Express”, good job! I did get a bit confused over here.
Over here it seems like they are sitting in the train already. The fact that Sophia asked her little brother if she could sit next to Ellie is supporting my statement. It seems rather obvious that if you are in the train, before you go sit down you would ask someone to sit over there. (I thought that Taylor was sitting next to Sophia with Ellie in front of them on the other bench.)
That’s why I got confused when Ellie was rubbing her shoes in the dirt. I thought, how could the train floor be made of sand? I had to reread the chapter two times to realise that they were actually at the platform watching the train pass by and then stopping after some time so they could get in.
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Then again, this part is also not so clear what is happening between Ellie and the conductor.
Did Ellie ask if she could stick the paper to her chest on her own? But the conductor was kind of happy she asked that and then he just stuck it himself? I don’t quite understand what happened. If the conductor wanted children to take the initiative to stick their own tickets, why didn't he just hand it to her?
Maybe you can mention somewhere that they were waiting at the train station.
For example,
As she stood there in the sand under the thing they called the train station which was actually just some pillars of wood with a roof and two benches full of old ladies and some other people. Eleanor was dropped at the train station by her father. The sun was not even fully up yet, it could have been six or six thirty in the morning, so it was still chilly. She was there along with Sophia and her little brother, Taylor.
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I thought the planet they were on now was called Iris. Why are they going down to Iris then? Or did I make a mistake while reading and I assumed they were on Iris?
I know they are not on earth, because in Chapter three you mentioned Ellie’s father thinking whether they should move to Earth again.
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One more question, how old is Ellie? She seems six, eight or eleven.
Nailed It!💐
I love this detail of the “average subway from earth”. I think it makes your story more relatable and it also shows that Iris and Earth are a-l-m-o-s-t the same. I can see you have really put some thought into designing your planet. Cool!
Overall Feelings:
You did a great job on keeping the story flowing and interesting. You have a strong content and your writing style is also nice. You should try and place more clarifications in your story for certain things, but aside from that I like it. I would definitely recommend you to continue this story if you want to of course.
Be sure to check out…📔🔖
Prologue - The Passion Forest by @CarrotWrites
This story is about some girls who get accepted to The (school) Passion Forest and get the opportunity to change the world. It is all very new for them, but thank god Elora has an Amazing father who cares a lot for her just as Ellie has. While reading your story, I have the feeling that you will enjoy this story!
Have a nice day or night further! Keep writing! You are amazing!
Amazingly yours,
Rinisha – Be yourself and keep writing! 📖🎉
Hi! I'm back, to review the lastest chapter of this series!
I am so happy this chapter came out, I was wondering when you were going to continue this. Anwway, let's get into the review!
Free of charge? And it has cool accomodations? This sounds like a dream train. Honestly, I kinda wish I could ride that train.
The look of the train sounds nice. But I think it could use a little more description on what exactly it looked like. Like, was it an old-fashioned steam engine, or a sleek, techy, electric engine? That would help the reader imagine it better, I think.
That's good, they're sitting together. This is nice character and relationship development. I guess they are really friends now!
There is a lot of thoughts and emotions in this chapter, which you described really well, especially here. We can feel her nervousness about school and intimidation from the train.
I hope she will be okay. She seems nervous now, but maybe she will cheer up somehow?
Ellie's thought here are well written. There is a lot of frustration and overwelmingness in the sentences. I can imagine in my head what she must be feeling like, so it helps us understand her character really well.
I am a little worried for her, so I really want to read the next chapter to see if she will be okay. Overall, I love the concept of the train, it sounds interesting.
I enjoyed reading this chapter, though it wasn't completely the happiest of chapters, it was important to know more stuff about Ellie. I look forward to reading the next chapter, if you choose to continue this series!
Good luck in your writing endeavors, fellow writer!