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For as long as I could remember Keene and I had been inseparable. I’d lived in my house ever since I was born, and when I was five Keene and his family had moved in next to me. He was a year older and his family was in every way different to mine. He had 4 older brothers and a younger sister, all of whom were loud and boisterous. I had no siblings, and my family were calm and quiet. But despite the differences in our families, Keene and I were surprisingly similar. When we were very young we didn’t really care much about having things in common, but by the time I was about eleven I wanted to know everything about him. We’d often go out into the field that our houses backed onto. We’d spend hours on warm summer evenings, talking about our lives and our interests, watching the sun go down. When I was fourteen, Keene asked me out. At first I was reluctant to answer. I didn’t want to upset him, but I also wasn’t entirely sure I wanted to say yes. After a week of procrastinating I finally answered Keene. With a yes. I had fair brown hair and dark green eyes. I always found my thick hair a challenge and just tied it into a messy ponytail. Not that Keene ever seemed to mind. The field quickly turned into a place where we would go to kiss and cuddle, away from our families. Of course, we still had our long talks, and we still loved to watch the sunset together. Now I was sixteen and Keene was seventeen and we were still in a happy relationship. We still went out to the field, but our talks about ourselves had recently become far deeper. We would discuss death and mental illness and various other topics. I’d had a fringe cut in and dyed my hair black. I now straightened it every day and left it to hang around my shoulders. Keene had grown his hair out and had also dyed it black. We probably looked more like brother and sister than a couple, apart from Keene’s beautiful, piercing blue eyes.

It was a warm summer’s evening, around four o’clock, and Keene would be arriving home any second. I was sitting on the curb outside my house, my elbows on my knees and my chin resting in my hands. Keene’s car pulled up and parked across the street. He climbed out and I ran over to him, leaping into his arms. “Hey babe!” I grinned, my arms around his neck and my fingers linked behind his head. He held my hips and I looked up to his eyes. “How was work?” “Same as always,” he chuckled. “You ready to go out back?” “When am I not?” I laughed. Keene wrapped his fingers around mine and we walked around the side of my house and out to the field. We sat down together, side by side, our legs out in front of us. Keene wrapped an arm around my shoulders and I leant against him, while he leant back on his free arm. I looked down at my outfit. Denim shorts, a black Rolling Stones belly top and red Converse. Then I looked at Keene’s outfit. Black skinny jeans, an Asking Alexandria t-shirt and navy blue high top Converse. I put my feet against his and looked at our matching shoes. I shifted position so that my head was lying in his lap and looked up at him. “You know I’d never keep secrets from you unless they were huge, right?” I asked. “Why? Jess…what are you hiding from me?” he asked cautiously. “Nothing. I just wanted you to know,” I said.

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User avatar
OliveDreams
Review

Howdy KittyCat! Here to review your chapter on this fine review day on behalf the the GORGEOUSLY GREEN LANTERNS! I will review as I read so that it will make a little more sense to both me and you!

Here goes!

The first thing that hits me is your paragraphs – or more specifically, your lack of them! Break it up for us into small, easy bites. Readers will be put off when they see a huge chunk of writing.

For example, where you write, “But despite the differences in our families, Keene and I were surprisingly similar. When we were very young we didn’t really care much about having things in common, but by the time I was about eleven I wanted to know everything about him.” - You need to start a new paragraph at, 'When we were very young...'

“I was sitting on the curb outside my house, my elbows on my knees and my chin resting in my hands.” - I love this description. I can see her so clearly in my mind.

I love the relationship you've created between the two teenagers but I'm confused as to where this story is going? I wish you'd ended it on that she was hiding something from him. How many different directions could you go in with that? Or maybe that he is hiding something from her!

Good luck! Message me when you've posted some more.

Olive <3

User avatar
WillowCutz
Review

Hey, it's me Willow C.
I apologize in advance for my personality.

Mm-Kay, first off the title. For now all that comes up is "Lock and Keene." You'll just wait to see how it goes.

Secondly, I really think you couod seperate the paragraphs a little more. No one wants to read a story with so many words. I feel a little dizzy just looking at the jumble of letters. Paragraphs are not just for seperating ideas they seperate how you read something. Like if I were to write a large page of just letters I'd read it like a boring telemarketer. Seperated you can emphasis certain sentences.

Seperate it where you start talking about your family
When you talk about being 11
When you talk about being 14
Where you talk about ypur appearence
When you're 16
At "I grinned"
"Same as always" basically at any change in speaker
"We sat together"
"I looked down at my outfit"
At the feet part

I do think you could fit the background somewhere else. It's harder to read the way it is. Try sneaking it in while they,re just sitting there.

-Willow C.

Hi there! Just a quick review for your piece.

Spelling and grammar:
You did great here, but you had a few small matters:

He had 4 older brothers and a younger sister, all of whom were loud and boisterous.

Not 4, four!

I had no siblings, and my family were calm and quiet.

family is singular, so "family was", not were.

Otherwise, remember to make a new line every time you write a new piece of dialogue! Also, new paragraphs every time you skip some time in the first part, saying "now I was eleven", or "now I am sixteen".

Okay, as for plot, I couldn't find any. Nothing happened here except the introduction of the characters. There should always be some event taking place in every chapter you write, so lengthen this and put in something that happens.

Character development isn't great. You have the characters, what they look like and their relationship, but I don't know if Jess is vain, adventurous, boyish, jealous, cheery, active, lazy or what. The same goes for Keene. I want to know their characters, not just their activities. In the same line, you're using the first person, or "I"-mode. Great! That is the best way for sharing thoughts and emotions of your main character with the audience. Unfortunately, you aren't sharing any of Jess's internal goings-on, which defeats the purpose of using first person at all. You might have done better using third person, since it doesn't put you in the head of a character and force you to give his/her emotions. But don't go over to third person! Keep it in first and share some of Jess's thoughts. Does she feel the grass tickle her legs? Does she feel slightly worried that day because of some secret? What's up? Why's she smiling? Why not?

So give us more depth, more action and more emotions and descriptions too! Readers are always hungry for all or any of the aforementioned :)

Keep writing!

barefootrunner



You walk into this room at your own risk, because it leads to the future, not a future that will be but one that might be. This is not a new world, it is simply an extension of what began in the old one. It has patterned itself after every dictator who has ever planted the ripping imprint of a boot on the pages of history since the beginning of time. It has refinements, technological advances, and a more sophisticated approach to the destruction of human freedom. But like every one of the super states that preceded it, it has one iron rule: logic is an enemy and truth is a menace.
— Rod Serling