I looked down the corridor at the darkness. All I could see was black. Actually, I’m not even sure that I was looking down a corridor. I may have been looking at a wall. I gulped and sat down. Sitting, I was less vulnerable. I took a deep breath and reached both arms out to my sides. If my arms were out, I could tell if someone was coming.
I sat with my arms outstretched for who knows how long. I sat and sat and sat. Slowly, my arms began to droop. I was getting tired. I couldn’t put my arms down though. Who knows what would creep up on me in the pitch darkness when I let my guard down?
I did try to keep my arms up but they were aching, and then burning, and then they dropped…onto something. Onto something cold and soft-ish. I brushed a hand over it, feeling the little bumps and holes. And then I felt the eye sockets, the nose and the mouth. I almost gagged. This was a body. But were they asleep, or were dead? I couldn’t tell. Keep feeling, I thought. Check for holes and gaps in their bodies. See if they’re decomposing. I brushed my hands over the body and…
My hand disappeared into a hole in their stomach. I yanked my hand back and wiped it on my trouser leg, then shuffled quickly away from the body. “Eurgh.” I whispered. Just as I was thinking about the disgusting squelch and squish of the internal organs I felt something grab both my arms and pin them against the wall. It was like this thing was taunting me with my biggest fear. It was killing people with their fears. Kitty was killed thanks to a giant spider biting her, Dan from a clown stabbing him.
So how would I die? From someone pinning my arms down and shooting me? Or simply from a panic attack after someone gets hold of me? I really wasn’t sure, and thinking about it wasn’t helping. I closed my eyes and sat there. Why bother keeping my eyes open when I can’t see anything anyway? I took a deep breath to calm my nerves and opened my eyes again. The thing released my arms and a door opened in front of me.
I was bathed in a glorious light, and then a young girl of about seven or eight peered round and stared blankly at me. Her skin was grey, her hair straggly, and her face was covered in scratches, cuts and bruises. We stared at each other for quite a while, before she tilted her head and slid back around the door, closing the door behind her. Immediately, I was plunged back into darkness. Better get away from that door, I thought and pushed myself down the corridor, away from the door and away from the body. I sighed and relaxed against the wall.
I was so tired, but if I slept, I would die. I would never wake up. And besides, something about that little girl was so haunting, so disturbing, that I knew sleep would never come. I took another deep breath and tried to steady my nerves. A few of us were still alive, and maybe if I could find them, I would be safer. If I could get out of this darkness I would be fine. I knew that not the entire building was in darkness, because while searching the house earlier, I’d seen that most of the house was properly lit. Then I’d stumbled across this hallway, and I knew I was in trouble.
I looked both ways, but the corridor was so long that I couldn’t see the end. Keep moving… I told myself. Slowly, I crawled forwards on my hands and knees, making sure to check in front of me with my hands before I moved.
I could see the light at the end of the corridor and could feel a great bubble of hope. I crawled faster, but still checked before moving. Soon, I was emerging out into the light. I felt a lot safer now. All I had to do was find the others, and maybe we could make it out alive. I couldn’t remember whose idea this was, but I know that I was an idiot for agreeing to spend the night in this stupid haunted house. I started to run through the building, pounding upstairs and downstairs and in and out of rooms.
Eventually, I found Chrissie. “Chrissie!” I cried, grabbing her. “What happened to the others?” “I don’t know,” Chrissie replied. “I was split up from them. And I…I have a headache…” Chrissie turned to me, and her irises and pupils were gone. All I could see were the whites of her eyes. I screamed and started to run again. I couldn’t breathe, my lungs were on fire. But I kept running. God knows what would happen if I stopped…
End of chapter
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Hello there, Kitty! You posted a review request on my wall a few days ago, so I'm here to follow through on it. I'm sorry that it took so long for me to respond. *smiles sheepishly.* Anyway, on to the review!
"I looked down the corridor at the darkness. All I could see was black. Actually, I’m not even sure that I was looking down a corridor. I may have been looking at a wall. I gulped and sat down. Sitting, I was less vulnerable. I took a deep breath and reached both arms out to my sides. If my arms were out, I could tell if someone was coming."
I have mixed feelings about your first paragraph. In some ways, I like it because I get a clear idea of the situation your main character is in and the fact that he/she is being chased. These elements give your story a sense of urgency. On the other hand, your first paragraph is not as polished as I'd like it to be; since first paragraphs are the first things readers see other than the title, it is essential that they are as clean and concise as possible. If I were you, I would consider editing your first paragraph in the following way.
"I looked down the corridor. Actually, I may have been looking at a wall; all I could see was darkness. Gulping, I sat down. Sitting was less vulnerable. Taking a deep breath, I reached both arms out to my sides; if my arms were out, I could feel someone coming."
It's not perfect, but it is cleaner. I combined sentences to make your writing flow better; I also eliminated an unessential sentence because the idea conveyed in it had already been communicated by the rest of your paragraph.
You have the potential for an awesome story here. I advise that you take the time to polish it up a bit, paying close attention to verb tenses and sentence structure. Eliminate sentences that aren't essential; this will polish your work up a bit. However, if you disagree with anything I've said, feel free to disregard it entirely. Your opinion of your work is what matters most at the end of the day. Stay true to yourself.
Always keep writing!
-Rosie
Liked the story, the little girl sota gives me the image of Samara Morgan from The Ring. I kinda got lost where the setting is but generally a classic horror I'd say
xxx
Yeah I wrote her before seeing the Ring, but now I think about it, she is a bit like Samara Morgan ahaha xxx
Oh and stop commenting on my stories! I'm waiting for new people to review them!
xxx
Two things. 1) this is sort of out of my comfort zone so sorry if it sucks and 2) the layout went all weird when I posted it so sorry again