.

interesting how you choose to do a harry potter theme . why did beatrix fainted? did she not want to be in slytherin. if so, which house did she want to be in? above all else it was very good.

Heya, Avalon! Is your avatar Pokemon themed?

I loved this, but in the second sentence, I think it was a bit run-on. But a period before "she" and after "sky".

"Beatrix looked up and saw only the starry night sky she was nervous, and wasn't sure of what would happen next."

Again, I believe this a run-on sentence. Period after "years" and before "they". And in "move", I think you meant "moved".

"Eyes from the people inside fell onto the first years they move between the two tables and approached the fifth table where a man with a grey beard sat."

There are a few things wrong with this. Woman don't have beards, and there is again, a run-on sentence. Period after "nervous", please.

The grey beard woman smiled warmly to her who only made her more nervous then a man appeared who looked quite old."

And here, put a comma after "together", and "hate" is "hat".

"Then Beatrix saw a stool with a hat on it, it looked quite dirty and seemed stitched together but then the stitches seem to pull themselves apart and formed a mouth on the hate."

And in this section,

"When the song was done the Sorting Hat became still and unmoving then the man from earlier stepped forward"

comma after "done" and "unmoving". There should also be an "and" before "then".

Again, run-on. Period after "houses". And correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't there supposed to be a "y" in "Griffindor"?

"There were only two houses Beatrix knew she could only go to two, Dark Slytherin or Light Griffindor."

Overall, work on the run-on sentences and punctuation. I advise you to proofread this carefully and look for those run-on sentences. Happy wishes and I hope I see more fanfics!

-wisegirl22

Very interesting short story, except I really wanted this to become a novel xD.

The story without beginning, nor end makes it pretty weak and makes the reader do more work like trying to inference the text to see what Beatrix is like. As the reader, like I always say to short stories, I really think you should go for a novel. Look, I may not be a inspiration, but novels work well to the work your doing right now.

The scenario for Beatrix could go many directions, which makes the cliffhanger of the story work well. Beatrix could be a heroic Slytherin, or the powerful Syltherin who is destined to kill the headmaster. Either way, it could go very well, if it was a novel!

Also, a few mistakes to take note of.

“Most Slytherin’s are marked with the desire for power,” he would tell her.
Small mistake, but something to take note of for future reference, "Syltherins" the the correct way of writiing it.

"The hall burst into murmurs the most coming from the far left and right tables. Beatrix took a shaky breath and walked forward as one of the only remaining first years."
Sounds a bit wrong, if you read it a little carefully. I think you should write, "The hall burst(ed) into murmurs(;) the most coming from the far left and right tables. Beatrix took a shaky breath and walked forward as one of the the few remaining first year (students). Prob should replace the parentheses too xD.

Anyways, great short story overall, but if I were to rate it, it would receive a 4.4/5.