Young Writers Society

Hey Avalon how are you doing?! Stella here to review!

So the first thing I noticed is your tenses. You start off in past tense and then you switch to present tense. Be careful with these - it's really important that your tense stays constant - your work looks really lazy otherwise. Always proofread - sometimes reading aloud is the best way to keep aboard your tenses.

Secondly, in terms of the story here, I was confused - you say this is a short story but there definitely seems like there's more to it - are there more parts to come? Even if there are I think that this could use a bit more meat on its bones. What did Beatrix do to feel Anna's wrath? I think that the whole idea of her 'playing the hero' needs to be discussed more - how big of a deal was it really? Is Anna overreacting, or did Beatrix really do something wrong? And was it against Anna? I'm assuming the two are sisters, so is it a personal dispute, or a political type one? Do they have different alliances/alignments and that's why they're fighting?

Especially with the HP universe you have the chance to talk about the houses they were in in Hogwarts to help us get a feel for their unique environment to make them so different. Is Anna a Slytherin and Beatrix a Gryffindor? If so, tell us! It will help the story to make much more sense and also be so much more interesting.

Also, while I thought the whip thing was cool, to fully immerse your reader in their world, I think that an actual incantation/spell might be more effective. This could be any universe right now, but it isn't, it's quite a specific one and I think you should show that.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

Hey! IamTraunt here to review

Nitpicking Time!

She had lost control and crashed, sending her to the ground. She groans from the pain of her landing slowly pulling her senses together after a wild flight though the air.

Then a second figure lands a slender female who brandishes her wand as she approaches the fallen Beatrix who was still trying to get back on her feet.

Then a second figure lands. A female who brandishes her wand as she approaches the fallen Beatrix, who was still trying to get back on her feet.

The slender female pulls her arm back and then whips it forward and her wand became a long whip of magic.

The slender female pulls her arm back, then whips it forward and her wand becomes a long whip of magic.

"This is what you get, this is what happens when you think you can play hero!” Anna growls her teeth clenched with anger.

"This is what you get, this is what happens when you think you can play hero!” Anna growls, her teeth clenched with anger.

Anna pulls tighter on the whip as Beatrix tries to pull away but the force between the two only tightens the whip further searing itself into Beatrix’s arm.

Anna pulls tighter on the whip as Beatrix tries to pull away, but the force between the two only tightens, the whip further searing itself into Beatrix’s arm.

Finally, after a few minutes, Anna releases the magic and whip disappears, but the damage is already done - the skin where the magical whip had been was burned and scarred.

Beatrix only gently sobs to herself tears streaking down her cheeks as she nurses her left arm close to her chest.

Beatrix only gently sobs to herself, tears streaking down her cheeks as she nurses her left arm close to her chest.

Beatrix finally opens her eyes and see’s Anna’s wand pointed right at her face finally she looks at the older girl a fire was burning in her black eyes.