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139,404 Literary Works • 672,552 Reviews
HELLO! I am here on behalf of a Mini Review Day (15 minutes after Review Day ended).
Suggested Revisions:
1) The air was filled with excitement as people were ready to see some dueling; Anna leaned against the table in which students dueled on.
I believe that semicolon not needed. Try just dividing it into two sentences where you put the semicolon.
2) One week since the school year kicked off and Beatrix embarrassed Slytherin House with her fainting act, but Anna didn’t care for such a small thing when this year’s Club Minister was a handsome 7th year Slytherin boy by the name of Adel Dashkov a brutish looking Russian boy who moved to Britain some years ago and attended Hogwarts since Anna’s first year.
Okay, do you see that ^^. That's practically a paragraph XP. Definitely a run-on sentence. Please divide up into three or four separate sentences.
3) The club responded enthusiastically to the Club Minster eager to get to the dueling.
Should be comma between Minster and eager, and I don't think Club Minister needs to be capitalized.
4) “Now which two first years would like to take the first duel?!” Adel called to the crowd.
Repetitive use of first. Try beginning duel or "start us off today"; something like that.
5) Only four hands rose from the crowd, one of which belonged to her cousin Beatrix.
It's unclear who the "her" is in this sentence. I had to look back to verify that the original narrator was actually a girl named Anna. Try replacing her with Anna's cousin to clear this up.
6) As Adel looked around scanning for hands, Anna’s bright green eyes caught his gaze he smiled at her and Anna returned his smile with a flirtatious one, and with a subtle gesture she pointed Adel to her cousin Beatrix.
Again, major run-on sentence. Divide it up into two or three sentences, please.
7) The crowd cheered and Adel soon picked a second, a boy who seemed extremely confident. Beatrix noted his confident look with red hair and piercing hazel eyes. They both took out there wands; Beatrix’s was almost as long as her forearm while her opponent’s was shorter but only by two inches.
It becomes confusing again who the narrator is; it seems you are switching between Anna and Beatrix. Try to settle on one person witnessing all this happening. Also, in this part:
They both took out there wands;
There should be their.
8 ) Beatrix held her wand straight up in front of her and bowed her head only too hear the boy say, “don’t loss to quickly, I want my first victory to look good!” he whispered.
A couple edits needed. At the end of reproofing, it should look somewhat like this:
Beatrix held her wand straight up in front of her and bowed her head, only to hear the boy hiss, "Don't lose too quickly; I want my first victory to look good!"
9) Anna looked at the girl beside her to see it was one of her friends, Marsha. Raven hair, freckled face with a pointy nose at the center Anna didn’t consider her much of a friend with her subpar talents in magic.
She said Marsha was one of her friends, and then she said she didn't consider Marsha one of her friends. She can't be both.
10) As the two duelists walked three paces away from each other and then turned back towards each other Adel stood between them.
Repetitive use of "each other." Shorten and reword, please.
11) The crowd burst into cheers, Marsha was still wide eyed from the duel, “unreal,” she said, “how is any first year supposed to beat someone as confident as that?”
“It was a show,” Masha looked at Anna now with a questioning look another thing as to why Anna didn’t think of her as much of a friend.
In the first paragraph, it should be the beginning of sentence, and therefore capitalized, when you say, "Unreal," she said. "How is any first year supposed to beat someone as confident as that?"
In the second paragraph, it is confusing what is going on. Reword?
Okay, so the ending also confused me, because it seemed like suddenly the cousins disliked each other, even though Anna had been helping Beatrix show off earlier. Your characters have pretty fast friendship changes.
We also didn't have much background on our main characters, but found more about them as the story progressed. Nice job on that.
I liked how Beatrix used the same words twice, and it was so clear that she knew what she was doing. My favorite lines were probably:
“Startle her confidence and her fear will surface,” Anna said.
Very nice wording there.
Overall rating: 6.5/10
With a little proofreading, this will be top-notch! Keep writing!!
+1
Magenta here for a review!
I haven't read any of your work, have I? Well, I like meeting new people and reading their amazing writing. I see that this is Harry Potter fan fiction, which I love. I have a few suggestions that I would like to put in my review. My first deals with this first sentence of yours. I think that the semicolon you have should be taken out, and this made into two separate sentences. I think that would be better. Instead of saying, "as people were ready to see some dueling", I would try something along the lines of,"as people anticipated an exciting duel". I'm no writer, but I think you can revise this sentence (and better than mine, of course).
I see that a comma is needed after the word "handsome" and the name, Dashkov.
I would like to write a part of this differently, specifically the first couple sentences.
"Welcome to the Hogwarts Dueling Club. To those of you who are new here, the rules of this club are simple; duel agreement, only magic combat, and exclusion of illegal spells, especially the Unforgivable Curses. And we all remember what happened last year. First years, it wasn't pretty. Believe me. And to give you first years a feel of what this club is all about, I say you duel first."
I think that if your paragraph were similarly written, it would sound much better. The Club Minister needs to establish himself as leader and the rules. He is a Slytherin, which suggests that he isn't one for light hearted joking and is interested in the duel more than the people there. I think that he should be written like that through his dialogue. Also, the wording of your sentences seemed slightly awkward and needed to be changed a bit. Hopefully, you can write them better than I have and make this an amazing Harry Potter Fan Fiction story!
Wait, why did they count "three, one, two"? Isn't it three, two, one? Just a small thing that I saw.
Anyway, I hope to see more of your writing on here and more of this great work on HP!
- Magenta
Ha, you can practically tell I'm dead tired as I was writing this.
I can't wait to see this become an entire book!