Chapter 2
Andrea ran as fast as she could through the deep snow. Her big snow boots were slowing her down but Andrea wasn’t ready to give up. She wasn’t the type to give up. Andrea looked back a few times to check on Chelsea who was running right behind her. She never saw Chelsea so scared, but her expression didn’t surprise Andrea. Chelsea was the spoiled type of girl who never had to do anything to get what she wanted. It made Andrea sick.
The girls ran and ran for what seemed like an hour. It was getting really dark outside which made it harder to navigate. Andrea was used to the dark and her eyes could adjust to the darkness but she didn’t think Chelsea had the same gift. She grabbed Chelsea’s arm and ordered her to follow.
The young ladies entered a deep and dark forest after a while and they couldn’t see the kidnapper anymore. Andrea didn’t know if that relieved or worried her. The branches cracked a few times when they walked and made Chelsea squeal which annoyed Andrea. Out of all the people that I could escape from a kidnapper with, it had to be Chelsea. Andrea said to herself.
She sighed and then continued walking. Andrea and Chelsea decided to take a break for a while to catch their breaths. They both sat on tree stumps in silence. Andrea was surprised that Chelsea didn’t talk about her endless, boring stories.I guess she was too tired to have a conversation with me.
Suddenly Andrea felt her eyelids becoming heavier. She felt the urge to lie down on the hard ground and sleep. Andrea blinked a few times and before she knew it, she dozed off.
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“Wake up!” Chelsea screamed in Andrea’s ear.
Andrea opened her eyes and saw Chelsea violently shaking her. She pushed her off and sat down properly on the tree stump. Andrea took a look at her watch which said: 9:00 pm. She couldn’t believe she slept so long, certainly when there’s a dangerous kidnapper searching for her around the forest. Andrea stretched her legs and feet and then told Chelsea that they should keep walking. Chelsea looked at her like if she was crazy before nodding her head to say no.
“It’s too late! I’m tired too y’ know.” Chelsea said stubbornly.
“Then you should have slept when I was sleeping.”
“I wanted to keep an eye out so that if the kidnapper comes we have a chance to get away.”
"Hah, it's cute that you think you could protect the both of us.”
Andrea stood up and watched Chelsea as tears got in her eyes. Chelsea cried a lot so she didn’t say or do anything. If she apologized to her, than Chelsea won’t understand that there are times that she just needs to be strong. Andrea made a mistake when she apologized to Chelsea a few hours ago and wasn’t going to make another mistake again. Chelsea just needs to learn to have thick skin. Suddenly she stopped crying as if she read Andrea’s thoughts.
“Let’s go.” Chelsea said firmly.
Andrea nodded and then led the way. She had a flashlight in her pocket like always, but didn’t use it because she knew that there would be a place where she would really need it. And the forest wasn’t the place, she just felt it. It started snowing again and not just soft snow, icy snow. Andrea covered her face so she wouldn’t get hurt and Chelsea did the same. The girls stopped a few times to rest and rub their feet but other than that nobody complained.
After about forty-five minutes, Andrea spots a light in the distance. She runs to it and finds a small cottage. Andrea was about to knock on the door but Chelsea stopped her. She became really annoyed by Chelsea and lost her temper.
“I’m the leader here and I make the decisions. I don’t care what you have to say about it, but I’m knocking on that door. Maybe you just care about yourself since you’re too afraid but I’m trying to find shelter for the BOTH of us. So get out of my way!” Andrea said angrily.
“Why are you the leader? I can make important decisions too and I think that’s not safe to just knock on a door of a random person to let us in for the night.”
“Then why don’t you just sleep outside, freezing your butt off while I make myself comfy, since clearly you don’t want my help.”
“I-I want your help. Plus I would be easier for the kidnapper to kidnap us if we don’t stick together.”
Yeah, when 2 people are walking together it's less easier to spot by the eye.
“What are you scared? You always act like a little girl!”
“I am not afraid! Plus I’m the same age as you.”
“Then act your age! You know what, I’m done with this. Go sleep outside, I’m leaving.”
“Ugh Fine!”
Chelsea dashed away into the dark forest until she was out of sight while Andrea ran to the door and gave it a quick knock. Nobody answered. She knocked again and then finally an elderly lady opened the door. She had wrinkles everywhere, a small wooden cane and was wearing pajamas. She looked half asleep and really angry that Andrea woke her up.
“Um ma’am, I uh…got lost in the forest and wondered if I could sleep the night in here so I can make my way back home tomorrow.” Andrea lied.
“Well come on in! I’ll make you some hot cocoa, or would you rather I call your parents?”
“No!” Andrea said a little too fast. “Um, my parents and I are camping and they didn’t bring their cell phones.”
The elderly woman didn’t look convinced but still accepted Andrea’s decision and offered her to sit down on the couch and make herself comfortable. Andrea didn’t need somebody to tell her twice. Before you could snap a finger, she was already lounging on the couch and watching TV.
I wonder if Chelsea is safe right now. Andrea thought.
She shook her head really fast. It was her fault that she didn’t want to trust me so why should I be the one to feel bad? Suddenly the elderly woman comes back into the living room and hands Andrea a hot cup of cocoa. Andrea thanked her and then slowly sipped her hot chocolate to enjoy the moment.
“Well since we haven’t introduced ourselves yet and that you’re comfortable let’s talk a bit.” The elderly woman said.
“Alright, I’m Andrea Wilson, I’m fourteen years old and I like reading books, especially crime novels.”
“I’m Mrs. Gordon but you can call me Beatrice and I also love crime novels, I own a whole collection. Want to see them?
“Do I?” Andrea said excitedly.
Andrea got off the couch and followed Beatrice into her bedroom. The room wasn’t too decorated, neither too plain. The walls were painted in a very light pink and the wooden floor was a little dusty. The small bed had white sheets and a small, yellow lamp laid on a black nightstand. That was about all the furniture there were in the room if you don’t include the bookshelf. Andrea searched the shelves for an interesting book and found many. She wished that this book collection was her own. Beatrice saw Andrea so fascinated and smiled at her and Andrea gave her one back. It was nice for Andrea to finally be with a person with the same interests as her, since everybody in her family thinks that ready fictional books are just a waste of time. Beatrice and Andrea sat down on the bed and read chapters of a crime novel until they both dozed off.
In the morning, Andrea was woken up by a person throwing rocks on the window. Half-awake, she walked outside to see what all the noise was about and saw Chelsea. I had a perfect evening without her and now I need to find my way home with that spoiled brat who can’t appreciate anything. Great…
“Andrea, you were wrong. I have a perfect night without you and still survived.” Chelsea exclaimed happily.
I had a perfect night too, until you came.
“Don’t just stand there. Let’s go!”
“I just woke up and haven’t eaten breakfast yet!”
“So? We’ll find berries on our way.”
Andrea appreciated that Chelsea was getting used to the outdoors and it frightened her that she would prefer sleeping in a cozy bed. It was almost like they switched bodies or something. Whatever it was, it was terrifying.
“Fine, let me just give Beatrice a quick note that I left.”
“Beatrice?” Chelsea asked in a perplexed way.
“I’ll tell you all about her on our way.”
Andrea ran back into the cottage and wrote a little note:
Thank you for taking care of me even if I was a stranger to you. I will never forget our passion for crime novels and your nice gestures. If I ever have the chance, I will come back once more so we could hangout and maybe even read a few novels. Honestly, you’re the first person that really gets me. Bye…
-Andrea (your new friend)
Tears got out of Andrea’s eyes as she placed the friendly note on the table. She blew a kiss to the house and waved goodbye as she exited the door. Some girls might think that being friends with an elderly woman might be weird but Andrea didn’t think so. After all a friend is a friend no matter how much there is of an age difference. Suddenly somebody took Andrea by her hoodie and dragged her across the snow. Andrea could barely breathe as the person tugged on her hoodie very firmly but she managed to see Chelsea in the same situation as her. The girls both struggle to get out of the person’s hands but his grip is just too strong. When Andrea can finally see a man wearing black gloves, a long black coat and a giant hat, it doesn’t take Andrea too long to figure out that the person suffocating her is the kidnapper.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello again. Great job keeping the suspense up! I'm fairly certain you're a better writer than I was at your age.
Let's talk about a few things here/ First, be careful of the word suddenly. Using it a few times is okay, but if you use it too much it gets repetitive. Often times, you don't need it to introduce suspense. Also, the word felt. I always advise against using this word at all in writing if possible. It doesn't really tell me anything as a reader, and the sentence makes sense without it. For example, if you delete both those words, the sentence reads, "Andrea's eyelids became heavier."I'm not sure got is the right word here. Maybe, formed, or welled up?
Two things. Than should be then, and the word that. That is an interesting word in the English language, because we often use it needlessly. For example, if you delete the word that, the sentence reads. "than Chelsea won’t understand that there are times that she just needs to be strong." See? That sentence still makes perfect sense! If you can ever delete words, do, because every word counts in a novel.
I actually really like how you used the word felt here, so don't delete it xD.
Shouldn't it be a question mark instead of a quotation.
The last paragraph needs to be two paragraphs. Whenever you have a new idea you need a new paragraph. For example, you have her thoughts about friends and Elderly people, that's one paragraph. And then when you got into somebody grabbing her hoodie, it needs to be a new paragraph.
Things I loved part 2.
1. Andrea's snark, she brings humor to an intense situation which is really nice to your readers, and it makes us like her.
2. Changing perspectives. We've now had chapters from two different characters, which has given us two different ways of looking at them which I really liked.
3. The contrast. Chelsea and Andrea are very different, and that's awesome. In addition to running from the kidnapper, they're fighting with each other, which again makes the conflict super awesome and interesting.
4. Another cliffhanger ending
Things to improve part 2.
I have nothing new, so I'll just reiterate stuff,
1. Description. You had a really nice description of the lady's house, but I'd really like to know what the forest looks like and other things. Does it smell like pine trees, or is their garbage nearby they can smell? Maybe as they're running they touch the rough bark, or get cut on the branches? Do they get really thirsty and eat the snow? Do they hear birds calling, or maybe coyotes? Or an owl? If it's dark, you said it was like 9 pm, can they see stars, or is it overcast? Or maybe it's none of these things. What it looks like is completely up to you as the writer.
2. Suddenly, there are still too many suddenlys
And that's it. Happy writing!
Sorry I posted twice!
Hey Kim!
Ok, so I just read the first chapter, and now I am on the second. WOW. Most stories I don't do that with, so yours is special!
So at first I thought you were like seriously 13, and writing this. Now 11! That's pretty young for a writer, and this is good, because you really don't have any bad habits yet while your writing, so it's easier to learn!
Your beginning is getting a lot better! It really caught my eye, and made me want to read even more! Your end was pretty good too, but just a tad bit predictable. Maybe you could add a little more time in between before the kidnapper catches them, such as Chelsea (since she is a spoiled rich kid) has no experience with nature, and eats a poisonous, but not too poisonous berry? Something like that. It would make it a little more dramatic. I also would like a little more with Beatrice, I like the connection between her and Andrea, maybe she's is going to make a reappearance later in the novel??? That would be cool. Again, just a suggestion.
I love how you put the story in Andrea's point of view, but I sort of wondered what Chelsea did, but that is good!!! You made me wonder! Nice chapter! Write some more!
Thanks for the review! I love the idea to put make her eat (not as effective) poisonous berries but I don't think that exist xD Instead i'll make her touch poison ivy and make Andrea take her in Beatrice's house to treat her. And you are right, if you read on, you'll see Beatrice in one of the last chapters.
You are probably right, most poisonous berries are probably not in Beatrice's backyard! XD Poison Ivy would probably be more realistic.
Hello, Kim, and welcome to YWS! (I know I'm a bit late). I'm Brunnera. Anyways, as a reviewer, I feel its my responsibility to help you out the best I can. I skimmed through your first chapter, but did not review, and shall now review on your second one.
I shall bear in mind that you are eleven, according to your profile. Remember that all of the nit-picks and suggestions are to improve you!
" She never saw Chelsea so scared, but her expression didn’t surprise Andrea. Chelsea was the [spoiled] type of girl who never had to do anything to get what she wanted. [It made Andrea sick.] "
"spoiled" is supposed to be "spoilt". What made Andrea sick? Chelsea's scared expression? Chelsea's spoilt brat attitude? Specify.
" The branches [cracked a few times when they walked] and made Chelsea [squeal] which annoyed Andrea. "
Branches don't crack, they snap. And, "a few times"? They're walking through a thick forest, so branches should be everywhere. Maybe changing that to "At some times, the branches snapped as they stepped on them".
Besides that, squeal is a term used for excitement, not surprise or fear. Change it to "scream" or "gasp".
" Andrea opened her eyes [and saw Chelsea violently shaking her.] "
Wait, Andrea isn't actually "seeing" Chelsea shake her? When you write it that way, it's almost as though you are telling us that Andrea's spirit somehow escaped her body, and that she can see from a third-person view that Chelsea is shaking her violently.
Change that to "as Chelsea violently shook her".
" Andrea took a look at her watch which [said: 9:00 pm]. She couldn’t believe she slept so long, [certainly] when there’s a dangerous kidnapper searching for her around the forest. "
A watch does not "say" the time, it "indicates" the time. Besides that, "certainly" should be replaced with "especially".
" Chelsea looked at her like if she was crazy before [nodding her head to say no]. "
Wait, what? Did she nod her head to say no? Or do you mean she shook her head to say no?
" Andrea stood up and watched Chelsea as tears [got in] her eyes. "
When you say "got in", you telling me the tears came from outside, not from inside, of her body. Say that the tears "gathered in" her eyes, instead.
" And the forest wasn’t the place, she just felt it. It started snowing again and not just soft snow, [icy snow]. "
Icy snow? O_O as in hail?
" She [runs to it and finds] a small cottage. "
Your story is in past tense! This sentence, however, is in present tense! Be sure to look out for these simple yet noticeable mistakes. Same thing applies for:
" Suddenly the elderly woman [comes back into the living room and hands] Andrea a hot cup of cocoa. "
" Tears [got out] of Andrea’s eyes "
Tears "escaped" her eyes would be much more better.
Alright, all technical errors put aside, time for some constructive criticism.
Imagery: In this field, you really need a lot of work. Imagery means to describe something, someone, a situation or a place with detail. This is very important in all stories since it is imagery that pulls the reader into the actual situation. Your chapter was basically just a general telling of the whole thing, so I didn't actually feel their rivalry, or their anger, or their conflict, or their fright.
Stop at some points to describe a situation. For example, the forest. Were the trees tall and leafy? Or were they short, decayed and lifeless? Were there any sounds as they walked through the woods? Was it as dark as pitch, or did the moonlight help them?
Characters: Your characters are quite unbelievable for their age. Andrea and Chelsea sound more like children rather than teenagers, and for Beatrice to so quickly accept Andrea (without any interrogation) is almost surreal. Imagine, if one knows one was about to kidnapped by a criminal, and one finds a cottage in a forest, won't it be convenient to call the cops? Andrea's attitude was quite unbelievable.
All in all, you need a lot of work. Here's my advice: when you read, don't just read! Immerse yourself into the character's world, note how the author stops to describe things, remember unique words and lines that can help you with your story. Read widely and always accept advice!
Anyways, I hope I've helped you!
~Brunnera
Wow thanks for all your help, this review really increased my writing skills. I know I am very young in the writing buisness and it's great to learn. Thank you so much.
I haven't read the first chapter, but I thought this was pretty good! The overall pace was a bit too fast and events felt quite rushed, personally I'd try and spread them out more, but that's just me
I also didn't really connect to the characters as much as I'd have liked, and that prevented me really caring much about them, so I'd really have loved some more information about who they are and why. That might be in the first chapter but it should also be throughout the novel, so maybe work on that.
Your plot is quite interesting though, and I would like to read on, so keep trying!
Thanks for the review! I am sure going to work on making my character more alive and describe the situations a little better