Chapter 1
On a snowy afternoon, Chelsea Andrews was walking around in a chic mall searching for a new bathing suit. Her dad got a job offer and they were going to live in Sydney for five years . After a little while, Chelsea found the perfect bathing suit; a pink bikini with small red hearts. She was about to head home but something caught her attention. In the electronic department, there was a big crowd in front of a flat screen TV. Chelsea who was always curious, made her way through the crowd. “Excuse me.” Chelsea said a few times when people got in her way. Finally when she was at the top of the crowd she saw it. Some news reporters were warning residents about the recent local kidnapper.
“Who cares… I’m leaving for Australia in a few hours.” Chelsea said to herself.
A little kidnapper wouldn’t fly all the way to the other side of the world to kidnap her, so all of this just bore her. Chelsea left the building and went home since it was almost time for her to leave. When she opened the door to her house she found everything surprisingly silent. Usually her twin little brothers made a noise that you just couldn’t miss. Chelsea checked every room of her house but found absolutely nothing but complete silence. The well furnished rooms were just dull. After a while Chelsea gave up and went into the living room to grab the phone and call her neighbors. After two rings somebody answered.
“Hello?” Said a low and gruff voice.
“Mr. Chapman! I’m so glad to speak to you. Do you happen to know if my family already left to the airport?”
“Yes, in fact their flight already left.”
Chelsea put the phone on her lap and looked around the house.
“Hello? is everything alright?” Mr. Chapman said in a worried tone.
“Yes, everything is absolutely fine. Bye”
Chelsea hanged up before Mr. Chapman could say another word. She just couldn’t believe that her parents could leave her stranded like that. She was so excited for her new life in Sydney but now it’ll never happen because her parents left her. Chelsea ran upstairs to go in her room. She closed her wooden door firmly and collapsed on her bed. Tears ran down her blue eyes and dripped on her rosy cheeks. Chelsea just laid there, in her eternal sadness.
After a while, Chelsea decided to go to her favorite cafe; “Muffins&More” to clear her mind. The wind outside was keen and sharp. It looked like there’s going to be an extra 3 inch of snow. When Chelsea arrived at the cafe, she was pleased by the warm air but still felt cold so she ordered a hot chocolate and micro-croissants. The creamy hot chocolate and the small marshmallows melting on her tongue soothed Chelsea. She felt calm and happy for the first time in a few hours. Chelsea stayed in the cafe until it closed which was at 7:00pm.
When that time came, she took a long walk around the neighborhood. Chelsea decided not to go home since it just reminded her of what happened this afternoon, which made her feel sad inside. Even though it stopped snowing outside, it was still very chilly out, but the fresh new layer of sparkling snow made up for it.
After about an hour, Chelsea decided to go sit down in the park for a while. She ran across the street and made her way to a park bench. Since it was in the middle of winter, almost nobody was playing in the park so she was all alone, which made everything absolutely perfect. Suddenly, somebody really familiar to Chelsea entered the park. She was wearing a big purple jacket and some jeans. The girl was wearing a hoodie but Chelsea could see her long brown hair. After a while of observing the young lady, Chelsea realized it was a girl from her school.
“Andrea! Andrea!” Chelsea yelled .
Andrea looked back at her but didn’t reply. She was always moody and reserved so that response didn’t surprise Chelsea. She always tried to be Andrea’s friend but was always shut down but this time Chelsea was determined to get to know Andrea better so she got up from her park bench and went straight to her.
“What?!” Andrea said once Chelsea finally reached her.
“Let’s chat!”
“I don’t like chatting”
“But I do, come on let’s go on the swings!”
Chelsea grabbed Andrea’s arm so she wouldn’t run away and dragged her to the swings. The girls both sat down and just swung there in silence. Chelsea broke the silence after a while because she wanted to do what she liked best; talk. Andrea looked at her toes most of the time and didn’t really look interested when Chelsea talked about school and Christmas.
“Weren’t you suppose to leave for Sydney a few hours ago!?” Andrea finally said angrily.
Tears slowly dripped down Chelsea’s eyes as Andrea said those words, reminding her of her misery. Andrea must have gotten the hint because she apologized for bringing that up. After another moment of silence, Chelsea couldn’t handle it anymore. She started crying, a lot. She let every tear inside get out of her. Andrea started comforting her and acting like she cared about Chelsea for the first time but Chelsea just pushed away and sat down at another bench.
“What’s wrong? What did I say that hurt you?” Andrea said in a concerning tone.
“Like if you’d care.”
“I care. I really do.”
“Fine.”
Chelsea told Andrea everything that had happened earlier without leaving a single detail. Andrea gasped at times but other then that, she was silent the whole time. It really felt good for her to let all her feelings out for once in what seems like a lifetime. Chelsea even imagines her parents not realizing that she’s not with them. With the twins around, her parents can be a little (okay a lot) distractive. After a little while, Chelsea was finally done telling everything. Andrea looked at her with eyes that she never looked at Chelsea before. It felt like if Andrea was her friend.
“How could your parents leave you like that?! That’s so irresponsible!” Andrea yelled.
“Don’t call my parents that!”
“Sorry but you have to admit it’s true.”
“Okay maybe they are a little bit irresponsible but I still love them.”
“You need to tell somebody that you have no parents with you.”
“I don’t want to live in a foster home!”
“You need too.”
The girls start fighting on who’s right and who’s wrong and suddenly Chelsea sees a silhouette coming closer to them. The girls immediately stop arguing and look at the silhouette. Chelsea grabs Andrea’s arm since she gets scared easily but Andrea quickly wiggles her off.
“Who are you” Andrea says, her voice shaking a bit.
The silhouette starts laughing which makes Chelsea more nervous. Finally Chelsea could properly see the person and shapes out a tall man wearing a long black coat, a big hat covering most of his face and some black gloves. As the mysterious man approaches, the girl backs away. After trying to approach us, the man opens his mouth and says:
“I’m the kidnapper.”
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I skimmed through the reviews to see if I was repeating things, so hopefully I give you new, relevant information.
You need a period after bye. Also, this confuses me. I'm assuming Chelsea is a girl, and she calls her neighbor and finds out her family moved to Australia with out her, and he knows this too. So obviously things are not alright. If I were in the neighbor's situation, I'd be freaking out a little bit. her family left her! They should call her relatives or the cops or something and figure out how to get here there. I guess I just find this situation a little hard to believe.First, let me give my grammar nitpicks:
It should be hung, not hanged. The only time something is hanged is when a person is hanged on the gallows.
Need a period after chatting.
Delete the if
Generally speaking, you don't want two different things happening the the same sentence. I'd reccomend deleting the and, putting a period after wrong, and making suddenly the start of a new sentence.
You need a question mark after you.
Something else, you switch between present and past tense. Either tense is fine, just make sure you use only one consistently throughout the piece.
Alright, let's talk about what I loved.
1. I love how you introduce the main conflict, the kidnapper, as a news report, and how Chelsea is so flippant about it. It was some great foreshadowing on your part.
2. Right from the beginning we have conflict, she's alone(though you dp need to work out the kinks of that so it's a little more believable. Maybe she see's that all they're stuff is gone and then finds her own ticket and realizes the plane has already left?) Also, the kidnapper, and poor Chelsea having to figure out what to do next. It keeps the suspense up.
3. The cliffhanger ending. It was awesome, the end.
What I think can be improved:
1. I want a little more description about what things look like, and sound like, and smell like. I feel like especially at the beginning you can make the beginning a little more impactful by setting the mall scenes. Mall's are chaotic places, and by fleshing out that setting you can really pull your reader into the story and make it more realistic.
I also want to know what the kidnapper looks like. Does he look like a nice guy or does he look like a creep, or is he somewhere in between?
2. Slow down a little. A lot happens in this chapter, which is great, but it's a pretty short chapter, you can take more time to describe things, let your character take more time process things, really flesh out a lot of these scenes. For example, maybe at the food place she sees a happy family and that makes her said. Or maybe people are talking about the kidnapped and she gets annoyed again.
3. I also don't understand why he tells them he's the kidnapper. Maybe he just smiles, or tells the girls he was a surprise for them, or they recognize him? That we we know he's the kidnapper, but it's a bit more believable.
The beginning:
I think one way you could improve the beginning is start on a more conflicting note. Instead of talking abut Bikini's maybe have her super eager to get home but she's stuck in a bustling crowd of mallgoers. Then you could have her discover the reason is the kidnapper story and be super annoyed again.
Alright, hope that helps. let me know if you have any questions!
Hey Kim!
First of all.... OH....MY......GOSH. The suspense you left at the end of the story was amazing! It's also pretty realistic that the kidnapper wears gloves! Normally when you think of a "bad guy" you think of gloves..... and a cape, capes are nice too!
I do have just a couple of concerns though mostly just with the flow of words in the story, but then, Vocabulary will come over time!
"You need to tell somebody that you have no parents with you."
"I don't want to live in a foster home!"
"You need too."
(I don't know if you noticed this or not, but it sort of looks like Andrea is saying that she needs to live in a foster home, honestly, I thought it is hilarious either way!!great job!)
Second, I don't have much experience with foster homes and such, but I don't think that she would have to stay in one if her parents just left her on accident. Maybe she would go to a good friend's house, or neighbor's, just until her parents figure out they left her, and maybe her mom to come back and get her. (This totally reminds of the movie series Home Alone!) Just a suggestion!
Anyway, nice story! I.........WANT................MORE!!!!!!!XD
On a snowy afternoon, Chelsea Andrews was strutting around in a chic mall searching for a new bathing suit. Her dad got a job offer and they were going to live in Sydney for five years. After a little while, Chelsea found the perfect bathing suit; a pink bikini with small red hearts. She was about to head home, but something caught her attention. In the electronic department, there was a big crowd in front of a flat screen TV. Chelsea who was always curious, made her way through the crowd. “Excuse me.” Chelsea said a few times when people got in her way. Finally when she was at the top of the crowd she saw it. Some news reporters were warning residents about the recent local kidnapper.
“Who cares… I’m leaving for Australia in a few hours.” Chelsea said to herself.
A kidnapper wouldn’t fly all the way to the other side of the world to kidnap her, so all of this just bore her. Chelsea left the building and went home since it was almost time for her to leave. When she opened the door to her house she found everything surprisingly silent. Usually her twin little brothers made a commotion that you just couldn’t miss. Chelsea checked every room of her house but found absolutely nothing but complete silence. The well furnished rooms were dull. After a while, Chelsea gave up and went into the living room to grab the phone and call her neighbors. After two rings somebody answered.
“Hello?” said a low and gruff voice.
“Mr. Chapman! I’m so glad to speak to you. Do you happen to know if my family already left to the airport?”
“Yes, in fact their flight already left.”
Chelsea put the phone on her lap and looked around the house.
“Hello? is everything alright?” Mr. Chapman said in a worried tone.
“Yes, everything is absolutely fine. Bye.”
Chelsea hanged up before Mr. Chapman could say another word. She just couldn’t believe that her parents could leave her stranded like that. She was so excited for her new life in Sydney- but now it’ll never happen because her parents left her. Chelsea ran upstairs to go in her room. She closed her wooden door firmly and collapsed on her bed. Tears ran down her blue eyes and dripped on her rosy cheeks. Chelsea just laid there, in her eternal sadness.
After a while, Chelsea decided to go to her favorite cafe; “Muffins & More” to clear her mind. The wind outside was keen and sharp. It looked like there’s going to be an extra three inches of snow. When Chelsea arrived at the cafe, she was pleased by the warm air but still felt cold so she ordered a hot chocolate and micro-croissants. The creamy hot chocolate and the small marshmallows melting on her tongue soothed Chelsea. She felt calm and happy for the first time in a few hours. Chelsea stayed in the cafe until it closed at 7:00.
When that time came, she took a long walk around the neighborhood. Chelsea decided not to go home since it just reminded her of what happened this afternoon, which made her feel depressed inside. Even though it stopped snowing outside, it was still very chilly out, but the fresh new layer of sparkling snow made up for it.
After about an hour, Chelsea decided to go sit down in the park for a while. She ran across the street and made her way to a park bench. Since it was in the middle of winter, almost nobody was playing in the park so she was all alone, which made everything absolutely perfect. Suddenly, somebody familiar to Chelsea entered the park. She was wearing a big purple jacket and some jeans. The girl was wearing a hoodie but Chelsea could see her long brown hair. After a while of observing the young lady, Chelsea realized it was a girl from her school.
“Andrea! Andrea!” Chelsea yelled.
Andrea looked back at her but didn’t reply. She was always moody and reserved, so that response didn’t surprise Chelsea. She always tried to be Andrea’s friend but was always shut down but this time Chelsea was determined to get to know Andrea better. She got up from her park bench and sat right next to her.
“What?!” Andrea said once Chelsea finally reached her.
“Let’s chat!”
“I don’t like chatting.”
“But I do! Come on, let’s go on the swings!”
Chelsea grabbed Andrea’s arm so she wouldn’t run away and dragged her to the swings. The girls both sat down and just swung there in silence. Chelsea broke the silence after a while because she wanted to do what she liked best; talk. Andrea looked at her feet most of the time and didn’t really look interested when Chelsea talked about school and Christmas.
“Weren’t you suppose to leave for Sydney a few hours ago!?” Andrea finally said angrily.
Tears slowly dripped down Chelsea’s eyes as Andrea said those words, reminding her of her misery. Andrea must have gotten the hint because she apologized for bringing that up. After another moment of silence, Chelsea couldn’t handle it anymore. She started crying a lot. She let every tear inside get out of her. Andrea started comforting her and acting like she cared about Chelsea for the first time but Chelsea just pushed away and sat down at another bench.
“What’s wrong? What did I say that hurt you?” Andrea said in a concerning tone.
“Like if you’d care.”
“I care. I really do.”
“Fine.”
Chelsea told Andrea everything that had happened earlier without leaving a single detail. Andrea gasped at times but other then that, she was silent the whole time. It really felt good for her to let all her feelings out for once in what seems like a lifetime. Chelsea even imagined her parents not realizing that she wasn't with them. With the twins around, her parents can be a little (okay a lot) distracted. After a little while, Chelsea was finally done telling everything. Andrea looked at her with eyes that she never looked at Chelsea before. It felt like if Andrea was her friend.
“How could your parents leave you like that?! That’s so irresponsible!” Andrea yelled.
“Don’t call my parents that!”
“Sorry-but you have to admit it’s true.”
“Okay, maybe they are a little bit irresponsible, but I still love them.”
“You need to tell somebody that you have no parents with you.”
“I don’t want to live in a foster home!”
“You need to.”
The girls start fighting on who’s right and who’s wrong, and suddenly Chelsea sees a silhouette coming closer to them. The girls immediately stop arguing and look at the silhouette. Chelsea grabs Andrea’s arm since she gets scared easily, but Andrea quickly wiggles her off.
“Who are you?” Andrea says, her voice shaking a bit.
The silhouette starts laughing which makes Chelsea more nervous. Finally Chelsea could properly see the person and shapes out a tall man wearing a long black coat, a big hat covering most of his face, and black gloves. As the mysterious man approaches, the girl backs away. After trying to approach us, the man opens his mouth and says:
“I’m the kidnapper.”
I'm going to say a few words here. The beginning was dull, I must admit. No real kidnapper would admit their identity, they'd probably just shove them in a sack and drive off or something. The title of this story made everything obvious. I still like where it's going, though@
Hello, Kim! Raven here to give you a quick review! I am a bit tired so I am sorry if this review seems harsh.
) and introduced a character. One that we haven't even met yet, we know they are going to be a part of the story. I'm not sure how I really feel about that...
) It makes me think that she is somewhat rich (the shopping also gave me that opinion), and that she is popular (Andrea also gave me a hint).
First sentences are supposed to draw a reader in, and this sentence didn't. It was boring and dull, something that didn't make me want to read on. Some girl was at the shopping mall buying bathing suits. So what? Is there really anything that we would want to know? At the end of the beginning paragraph it gave a big hint, (even though the name of the story gave that
(Just to let you know, I'm reading as I review) I'm a little confused now. Why would her parents leave their daughter behind like that? That doesn't seem like normal behavior. Also, how would the neighbor know that her family left? Did they exchange goodbyes?
I love the names that were chosen for the characters, though! Chelsea sounds really fun, giving me the feeling that she's usually an upbeat girl. (Though her actions so far have told me that I might not be seeing that side of her
Love the name Andrea, too.The dialogue... while realistic, seems unrealistic. If that makes any sense at all. It feels like it came right out of a TV show instead of a real life interaction. It had this sense, "I would probably do something like that," and "That is... not lifelike." Like, almost cliched reactions, but not. On that borderline of uninteresting. Just letting you know.
The ending was a bit expected, and... unreal. What type of person would say, "I'm the kidnapper"? That's one ticket to jail right there. If the girls screamed, someone (I hope) would here and that guy would go to prison. The appearance of the dude also screams, "Mysterious." However, I think you were aiming for that.
I hope you keep on writing,
~Rae,
I do admit that the beginning of the story was a little dull. (I'm always wondering how should I start my novel.) I should really work on that.
The reason Chelsea's parents left her behind was because they also have a set of twins (boys) and are super distracted by them. (Sorry if that wasn't clear.)
Thanks for the compliment on the names! I just randomly picked names and imagined what their personalities would be like. I love using this way of creating characters.
Thanks for the feedback on the the dialogue. I will also work on that.
I guess at the end, I thought since it was dark, most people won't be around the park so there wouldn't be any witnesses. You're probably right that nobody would actually just reveal their identity, but I guess I ignored that the kidnapper might get arrested, especially since the girls are so young.
Overall I like your story Kit. It is true that her parents were a little irresponsible by forgetting her. But, I can understand how distracted her parents would be, having six year old twins,lol. There we're a few mistakes I saw. The first one was that you forgot to capitalize "I" in "is everything all right?" The second mistake I saw was that "hanged up" was supposed to be hung up. The next mistake I saw, I'm writing as I read :p, was that 3 inch of snow was supposed to be plural. I think your story is going to be really good. The mistakes I saw were small, and there were no major mistakes. Keep Writing!
Legend
Thanks for the review! I do admit that I am not the best reviewer, but I'm glad that you liked the story.
Wow! That was amazing. I like the ending. It would be really cool if the man turned out to be a women in disguised. It seems like men are always becoming the kidnappers.
I'm elated that you enjoy this chapter.
That's true, the kidnappers are always boys, it would be nice to make the kidnapper a girl for a change. Thanks for the idea.