Chapter Four
The Demon at the Foot of My Bed
A couple of months have passed since Pink had entered the castle. I have noticed that her shyness had slowly but surely did start to fade away. And as any nine year old girl, she was curious about everything. This still makes me laugh to this day. One day I had just got out of a bath, and was just getting ready to get dressed when I noticed a familiar head full of pink hair run into my room. It had distracted me from my clothing sitting on my bed.
“Pink, is everything okay?”
She was out of breath, which made me think she ran up all the stairs and into our room. The look on her face was of complete horror.
“Pink, what’s wrong? What happened?”
“The maid found out that I accidentally killed her cat.” Pink stated after she took a breath. “She’s crazy.”
I laughed. “So it took her about a month? How did she find out?”
“They just blamed me. To them, it’s always my fault.”
Pink had sighed as she plopped herself onto the bed. I went to grab for my under dress when Pink gasped and sat up to look at me.
“Kimi! What are those?”
I quickly looked around to see what she was meaning. “Those” meant there was more than one, so I tried to look for something I had more than one of.
“No, Kimi! Those!” She had stuck both of her cold gloved hands on each of my breasts.
I bet my laugh could be heard throughout the castle. “Those are called breasts.”
“Will I get any?”
“Maybe when you get older.”
Pink made my day.
Another incident Pink had made my day was when there was a royal meeting. Father wanted me to attend and poor Pink had to stay in the room. When the boring meeting was finally over, I headed back to my room to find that Pink was not there waiting for my return. I found my huge walk in closet open. I hoped that she was in there. I heard shuffling noises, it was either she was in my clothing since she finally got used to wearing them, my jewelry or my tiaras. I was thinking more toward tiara since she just saw me pick out one of my favorites to wear to this meeting. I stepped over some clothing that was left on the floor and as the walls opened up to a huge room filled with drawers and hangers I saw that familiar pink head. Pink was looking in the huge full-body mirror at herself wearing one of my huge tiaras that didn’t fit her at all. The tiara was decorated with many silver jewels; it sparkled magnificently in the lighting as it was falling off Pink’s head.
“Kimi!” Pink had gasped ripping the tiara off her head to hide it behind her back. She swung around to face me. “How was the meeting?”
I smiled at her, “Boring as usual.” I noticed she smiled back innocently, trying to make it look like she didn’t do anything wrong. “So, you like making messes I see…” Pink’s face quickly turned into a look of horror. “Like my tiaras huh?”
“I-I’m sorry, Kimi…I saw you put one on and I wanted to try.”
I walked over to the opposite side of the closet where the tiaras she didn’t get into yet were. I tried to remember which drawer as I started to open each one to see what they contained. “These drawers right here are yours now. Put that huge tiara back where you found it and come to pick one to wear.”
Pink had turned to the opposite drawers and set the tiara down in the drawer it belonged to. “You’re not mad at me?”
I couldn’t help the giggle from coming. “Heavens no! It’s adorable, Pink. This room is yours just as it is mine.” I set my hands on my hips and smiled. “Now, are you going to come and try on these tiara or not?”
Pink and I played around for what felt like forever; I had a maid who came through clean up Pink’s little mess she had made. I went out on the balcony for some fresh air while Pink stayed in the closet trying things on and enjoying herself. I looked at the sun and it seemed as it was just a little past noon. The clouds rolled on by; big and fluffy. I stood there looking past the horizon seeing the ocean in the far distance and the birds flying by. The wind began to pick up and it was somehow very soothing; I could feel the rain coming. Sometimes I just hated to wake up so early for a meeting my father wants me to attend. I would usually sleep in until this time.
“Lady Kimiko?”
A familiar voice broke my concentration as I stood up straight from leaning on the railing. I stretched a little before turning around. A familiar round light skinned face stared back at me.
“Danni?” I smiled. Daniel stood before me with what looked like a worried face. “What’s wrong?”
“Is the little devil in here?”
I was taken aback from this. My heart sunk down to my stomach and I instantly felt her vibes. I felt anxious.
In the corner of my eye I saw that little pink head come towards us with a new tiara on her head.
“Kimi what about this one!?” She stated happily.
I laughed. It looked great on her. “Looks great sweets!”
I noticed that Danni winced and her face went twisted. “Danni, it’s okay.” I smiled weakly. “Pink won’t hurt you.”
Pink giggled a bit. “I won’t, I promise!” She smiled up at Danni and walked over to the railing. “Wow, Kimi! What’s that!?” She pointed to the ocean over the horizon.
“It’s called the ocean. It has a beach where people can visit.”
“Ooohh, can we visit sometime?”
“Maybe someday.” I smiled.
I then smiled at Danni and then noticed a rolled piece of parchment tied with an emerald ribbon. The emerald ribbon indicated that it was a letter from my father. He must have been busy with something because he usually comes to tell me himself if anything has happened. I nodded my head towards it and Danni instantly handed it to me.
“Working for daddy now?” I asked. Since the incident with Pink a few months ago, Danni hasn’t been my servant or helped me with anything. All the maids were very reluctant to help me since then.
“Yes, your highness.”
I sighed a bit. I was disappointed with her if anything because she never calls me Kiki or even Kimiko. It’s always “your highness” or “Lady Kimiko,” so formal and something I never expect close friends to do. I nodded my head towards her to tell her “thank you” as I played with the silk emerald ribbon. I wish she’d understand that Pink means no harm; she never meant any harm to begin with! It frustrated me to the point where I just couldn’t stand to see her lovely blue eyes anymore. Since working for daddy, they never sparkled like they used to when she was with me. I know that my father never let her have any fun at all.
I sighed heavily “Thank you, Danni.”
“Princess, I-I…”
“What is it?”
She went silent. I smiled at her and tapped the parchment on my other hand looking over at Pink.
“She’s not ever going to hurt you, Danni. If you want to come back and work with me, I’ll be more than happy to tell my father.”
“Please? His work load is way too much!”
Danni was really skinny, but lazy as all hell, really. I laughed a bit; though sometimes I thought I was too forgiving. The way Danni even looked at Pink angered me, so I thought that I’d address this first.
“Danni, you have to promise me that you will not give Pink that nasty look you always give her. It angers me and makes me believe that I am being too forgiving.”
Silence again. I smirked a bit; nothing could have made me angrier than the looks the maids give Pink. I heard Danni sigh under her breath and she nodded.
“I’m sorry Kimiko.”
“That apology doesn’t go to me, Danni. It goes to Pink.”
Danni had kneeled down to Pink’s height as Pink automatically turned at the sound of her name. Daniel smiled at her and stated her apology. Pink had smiled back and nodded, telling her that it was okay and that she understood. Danni stood around the balcony while I opened the parchment my father had sent.
“Kiki,
The Japanese Emperor is coming to visit an old friend [me]; he has brought your most precious friend. I thought that I would let you know that way you have plenty time to get ready and dressed for the occasion. Oh, Pink may come as well. The Emperor is much interested since I told him all about her. I hope you do not mind. Be ready by six tonight.
Love,
Daddy”
I smiled. The Japanese Emperor is coming and I am more than ecstatic that he’s even bringing Kimiko, the ‘most precious friend’ my father mentioned. Kimiko was the geisha who Emperor Ren brought his first time here. I hadn’t had a name then; I was only just born and my parents didn’t know what to name me. Aunt Kimiko, as I called her, mentioned jokingly that they should name me after her, the most famous geisha of that time. After getting the meaning of her lovely Japanese name, my mother fell in love with it instantly and without hesitation named me Kimiko Dae. Dae was my middle name which I always thought that it must be an elfish name.
“Pink how would you like dressing in a kimono?”
“What’s a kimono?”
I smiled at her. “C’mon I’ll show you. Danni do you mind getting Kuniko and Amaya for me please?”
Kuniko and Amaya were our Japanese maids who help me put on my Kimono when needed. I loved those two just as much as Danni; we did all sorts of things together. Danni had nodded and left the room quickly. I lead Pink in my closet to show her the many kimono I had when I was her age. I’m glad I kept everything. I saw that Pink had run over to the boxes that held the kimono inside wrapped in colourful rice paper. The very top one was the silver silk kimono that I had forgotten I had had. It would look stunning on her.
After going through all of the boxes and neatly putting them away Pink had chose the black kimono which would also look stunning on her with her gorgeous pink hair. Kuniko had helped Pink dress in her kimono while Amaya had helped me set all seven layers of my emerald green kimono on me. It was elaborate with gorgeous vines embroidered in silver all around my kimono. Pink’s black kimono had gorgeous embroidered butterflies in gold all around her kimono. My obi was tied in a box and Pink’s excess hung down with her kimono. Amaya had stuck my reddish brown hair up in a very basic geisha style with all kinds of gorgeous ornaments matching my kimono. Once Pink was finished, she still wore her hair clips I had given her with little ornaments stuck in her basic maiko hair style Kuniko had given her. This took the remaining of the afternoon and before we knew it, it was almost six in the evening. I was getting even more excited by the minute. I missed Aunt Kimiko since I haven’t seen her for a while. My father smiled at us when we entered the grand hall waiting for Emperor Ren and Aunt Kimiko; and with every waiting moment, I grew even more excited. Pink tugged on my sleeve and I looked down to her.
“Kimi, what’s going on?”
“An old friend of my father’s is coming to visit. He’s bringing my aunt Kimiko.”
“Aunt Kimiko?” Pink had gasped. “Why does she have the same name as you?”
I laughed. “Because, I was named after her.”
Pink nodded her head though she didn’t seem that she understood quite much of what I had just told her.
Finally the doors were opened and Emperor Ren along with many geisha walked through the huge opening. I looked to see if I saw Aunt Kimiko anywhere, but alas I did not. My heart sunk only to find that it was brought back up. I saw her right beside Emperor Ren. How could I miss her? Has it been that long? Aunt Kimiko didn’t even look as though she had aged at all. It was quite amazing. She looked just as young as she did since the last time I had saw her. I smiled and I could feel it going from ear to ear. Aunt Kimiko whispered something to the Emperor and he nodded as he smiled. Before I knew it I was in a huge bear hug given to me by Aunt Kimiko. She had noticed Pink hidden behind me looking up at her.
“Why, who’s this?” she asked.
I smiled and giggled. “This is Pink. I’m sure Emperor Ren had told you much about her since my father can’t seem to keep his mouth shut sometimes.”
“Now, now Kiki, dear; your father only has the best in mind for you. He must be ecstatic about little Pink here.”
“I sure hope so!” I laughed.
I turned around to walk towards the banquet table only to my dismay. My heart fired up in anger; I could feel it flow through my veins. My whole body engulfed in fire. My blood could start to boil any second. I was staring at something I wish I wasn’t. Her golden yellow eyes sparkled with delight knowing how I was feeling. I knew it brought great delight to her.
“Sophia…what a wonderful surprise.” I stated through my teeth.
“Kimiko, my dear cousin,” She stated ecstatically. “I am so delighted to see you again!”
She was lying of course. I bid my aunt and uncle a hello with the best smile I could make and stomped to my huge seat at the end of the long table. Pink sat in the chair on the left of me and Aunt Kimiko sat in the chair on the right. Aunt Kimiko made sure that Sophia didn’t sit anywhere near either of her or Pink. She knew what Sophia was; a lying spoiled little bitch that didn’t deserve much of anything but got basically everything she wanted. To my surprise she didn’t even try to set anywhere near us. Aunt Kimiko had mentioned for me to look at Pink and I looked over to her. My mouth dropped; Pink had such an evil glare on her face. Of course it was meant for Sophia since she was staring straight at her; but if looks could kill, Sophia would be laying on the floor dead; if only that were true. It was just so surprising that it was coming from this sweet little girl. Then I remembered what Sophia had done at her tea party a few months ago. I snickered and resumed my attention toward my father who was speaking of a story Emperor Ren had asked about. It was a story about my mother; of which I already knew so I didn’t pay much attention since I miss my mother and it hurts just to hear about her.
Dinner was delicious. A huge pork was in the middle of the table that everyone except for myself had eaten. I wasn’t too fond of pork so I had chicken breasts for my meal. I allowed Pink to have a small glass of wine to my father’s disapproval but she liked it and I thought it was necessary to make her happy. The wine was delicious and I didn’t think it was wrong of me to let Pink have something delicious. Pink had held out her glass to me once she was done drinking it.
“More?”
I snickered and then laughed out loud, I just couldn’t help it. “Pink, honey maybe you should wait for a while.”
“Aww, but Kimi…”
“You can wait.”
She sighed heavily and pouted a bit but got over it. I noticed Sophia smirk evilly over at Pink. I felt my stomach twist and I felt sick. I could feel her evil intentions. The evil vibe was clearly felt coming from her and I didn’t like it. I had noticed that Aunt Kimiko had noticed this as well and glared back at Sophia. Sophia however didn’t pay any attention to the looks we were giving her and Pink had no idea; she was playing around with her wine glass.
My imagination started to run its usual wild runs. What could she possibly be thinking? What if she, in order to get revenge, went to the village and…wait, there was no possible way since she was too busy talking about herself at the time I was telling the story where I found Pink. I might be over reacting, I have to be! Sophia is no where clever enough to figure out how to get back at us.
“Kiki, are you alright?” My father’s voice had broken my concentration.
I stared at him for a moment before nodding. “Y-yes, I’m fine.”
“We were talking about Pink, where did you find her again?”
“Like I said, Uncle Pollux, she’s a demon!” Sophia had stated taking a sip of her wine. “I think you should dispose of her.”
My father looked over at Sophia and laughed, “And why is that?”
“She brutally murdered her parents, kicked me and then punched me in my face…”
“Sophia! Don’t be telling lies in front of guests!” Aunt Avila stated rather quickly. “Emperor I apologize for her deception.”
I looked over at Pink, looking down and who had almost burst into tears. I had grabbed her hand resting on her lap in a fist to get her attention. She had looked up while I smiled at her.
“I’ll have to tell you the village where I found her some other time, father.”
“If you’re worried about me, my dear cousin, I already know where you found her; went there just yesterday.” Sophia had given me a half look and an evil smirk.
Pink’s grip on my hand had tightened and for some odd reason I knew Sophia wasn’t even bluffing; I had the feeling she was telling the truth.
After dinner, father wanted to show off the night sky to Emperor Ren, for it was a beautiful warm summer night. I decided, however to skip out for a moment or two to speak with Pink. We were just on our way to the staircases when I was violently pushed up against the wall. Unfortunately, I was out of anyone’s view and no one would have heard me even if I did scream.
“I know about your precious Pink.” Sophia smirked, “I know about that maid she killed and I know just enough information to get rid of her and hopefully even you!” She had pressed against my shoulders, digging her fingernails into my skin; it hurt. “I will get rid of you and that stupid demon of yours, believe me cousin, I wasn’t lying.”
“Sophia!” Aunt Kimiko shrieked. “What are you doing?”
“Nothing, I was just talking to my favorite cousin.” Sophia had given Aunt Kimiko her trademark fake smile as she let go of me. And as she walked away, she flashed her evil smirk at me.
On the way up to my room I had told aunt Kimiko what was going on when she walked in on Sophia hurting me like that. While in the room, I had Pink sit on the bed and Aunt Kimiko to shut the door. Pink had gasped and pointed to my shoulders. I looked at them and blood was dripping out of the wounds Sophia had left behind. Good, it was evidence.
“Pink, why were you in that basement? Do you remember?”
Pink had went silent, her head fell making it hard for me to see her face or any expressions. I looked over at Aunt Kimiko who wore a solemn expression upon her beautiful oval face.
“Pink, sweetheart can you tell me why you were in that basement? Please?” I knelt down to her height, put my hand under her chin and lifted her head up. My heart sunk, the poor thing was in tears. I stood up and sat next to her. “Sweetie, it’s okay, you don’t have to tell me anything.” I pulled her into my lap to wipe away her tears rolling down her round cheeks. Aunt Kimiko had sat on the other side and began to rub Pink’s back to comfort her.
“Kimi…” Pink’s voice cracked, “Sophie’s right…everything she said was true.” She broke into an even more violent sob. “I didn’t mean to, Kimi, I really didn’t! I didn’t mean to kill one of your maids either! It…I can’t stop it from happening!” Pink had taken in a deep breath and continued to sob. “K-Kimi please…please don’t get rid of me. Please don’t dispose of me! I love you too much! Kimi, please…”
I kissed her forehead, “Pink, I’ll never get rid of you.” I gave her a gentle smile.
After I had calmed Pink down, we went outside to join the others. To my amazement, there was a meteor shower tonight. It was gorgeous! Pink gazed up upon the stars falling across the dark blue sky with a clear astonishment on her face.
“Make a wish.” I stated.
Pink looked up over at me and was puzzled.
“Whenever a star falls, you have to make a wish and it will come true. But, you can’t tell anyone that wish or it won’t come true.”
Pink smiled, folded her hands and when the next star had fallen, she closed her eyes and mouthed her wish.
“What did you wish for?” I snickered.
“I can’t tell you that, Kimi!” Pink exclaimed, “I want it to come true!”
I smiled while I put my arm around her and pushed her against me.
It was time for my Aunt and Uncle to leave to go back to their home and take Sophia. Finally! She’ll be gone for quite a while! I bid my relatives a goodnight and gave them a hug. Aunt Avila suddenly pressed my wounds I attained from Sophia. I winced, backing away from my Aunt a little. I almost forgot about the stinging sensation until she pressed them. It wasn’t a hard press either, just a gentle push.
“Where did you get those?” she exclaimed, “It stained your beautiful kimono!”
“Ask your daughter on the way back home.”
She glared back at Sophia and forced her into the horse-drawn carriage. “You have a nice night, sweetheart.” She exclaimed over her shoulder. Uncle Avis had given me a kiss on the forehead, told me the same and entered the carriage. We watch the horses gallop along the path until we couldn’t see them anymore.
“Kiki, I’ll send Danni up to your room to help you clean your wounds.” My father looked straight at me. As if he was looking at my soul with a stern look in his eye.
“And Amaya if you don’t mind; I need help getting out of my kimono.”
“Kimi, can I sleep in my kimono?” Pink had asked while tugging on my sleeve.
I laughed, “No, sweetie I’m sorry. You’ll wrinkle the silk.”
“Aww…” Pink had looked down at her feet. I noticed that she wore a solemn look upon her round face. I was beginning to feel bad for the answer I gave her.
“How about this, tomorrow I’ll take you into town and get you some chocolate? Does that sound okay?”
“Chocolate?” Pink had repeated the word with an unusual accent. The accent the men had back at the village where I found Pink. I couldn’t help but correct her.
“It’s pronounced ‘chocolate.’” I patted her head.
“Chocolate?” Pink tried her best and she looked up at me. “Kimi, what is that?”
I smiled, “I guess you’ll find out tomorrow, won’t you?”
Pink nodded and returned a smile.
My father had sent another maid after Danni and Amaya. He led Pink and I to our room to bid us a goodnight before he showed Emperor Ren and Aunt Kimiko to their rooms. I assumed the maids helped the other three geisha.
“Goodnight, sleep well sweetheart.” Daddy had kissed my forehead.
“’Night, daddy.” I smiled and led Pink into our room.
Pink was still too shy around men to give daddy a hug or even speak to him. I had left the door cracked open to let Danni know it was okay to enter without knocking. It was our little code to communicate sometimes. I didn’t tell any other maid besides her.
I had walked across my beautiful stone flooring, my shoes clicking with every step. I looked over towards my balcony doors across from my four-poster canopy bed. The Moon shone brightly into my room, making the stone look like the night sky. I walked upon the huge rug I had under my bed and the clicking was smothered. My bathroom seemed so far away. I was beginning to feel quite weak. My head felt heavy as it started to thump. Even the moonlight hurt my eyes my head hurt so much. I continued my walk to the bathroom. My shoes began to click again. Click...click…click… I felt uneasy. The feeling was as though an evil presence didn’t want me there. It was a heavy feeling. I felt heavy. I ignored this feeling; it must have been something of my imagination. My headache could have caused it.
“Milady, are you alright?” Danni’s voice rang out.
“Kimi, what’s wrong?” Pink tugged on my sleeve.
I felt my head nod. Was I in a daze?
“Kimi!” Pink sobbed.
“The bathroom, Danni I need to go there. My wounds are pounding.”
“Kiki, we’re in your bathroom.”
I felt something pull on my obi. I looked around. “What…what…”
“Amaya is taking your kimono off. We’re going to clean your wounds.”
“Danni,” I sighed. “My head hurts.”
My wounds were finally clean. Amaya had used an old Japanese remedy and the stinging was gone. My kimono, unfortunately, was stained. We weren’t sure if the blood was going to come out of it. My hate for my cousin began to grow even more. I wasn’t sure if that was even possible. Amaya had helped me wrap my breast so I could sleep. She then helped Pink out of her kimono. To my surprise, Pink thanked Amaya and Danni for their help before I even got a word in. Danni and Amaya had helped me to my bed. Even though by this time I was fully aware of what was going on.
“Thank you, girls. I appreciate it.”
“You’re welcome, Milady.” Danni stated with a smile. “Goodnight.”
“’Night!” I replied.
The girls had left my room to allow us to sleep. I gave Pink a kiss on the forehead and she smiled.
“Night, Kimi!”
“Goodnight sweetheart.”
An unwelcoming feeling woke me up later that night. That same heavy feeling I had before returned. A very warm air I felt on the back of my neck. I sat up straight and looked around. I saw nothing but the moonlight. I looked down and checked if Pink was alright. She was sound asleep. I stroked her hair and began to lie back down. I stopped suddenly. In front of me, at the foot of my bed was a dark figure. Its big round black glossy eyes stared back at me. Its sinister smile showed off its pointed teeth. It reached out at me with its long fingers. I noticed within my fear that its pinky was longer than the rest. My heart raced. I could feel it in my throat. I started to breathe heavily. It started to get closer to me. The heaviness began to get stronger. My chest began to hurt. I was scared. I didn’t know what to do. I shot a look down at Pink; still asleep.
This thing inched closer and closer. The air heavier and heavier. I sat up even more in my bed, grabbing my blanket and pulling it to hide behind. The blanket wouldn’t budge. There was only one thing left to do…
My scream could have been heard across the country.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Hola Chola!
Nice chapter! I agree with everyone how you need to put more detail into the places you skimmed, ect. ect. you've already heard it.
My review is this:
In one paragraph there were two stunning's both describing a dress. (It was within a two sentences of each other.) You also put four or three gorgeous's in one paragraph as well.
When you do things like that it makes it a lot choppier to read.
But over all it was intriguing and I'm dyeing to know what'll happen with Sophia and Pink. By the way this next question isn't for you I'm just thinking out loud. Also when Pink had that nightmare was it the same one that Kimiko was having? If it was a nightmare. Or maybe it was reality when it happened to Pink and Kimiko was sleeping just like Pink was when that thing came to Kimiko.
Thanks so much Meadow =D
It sucks I dont realize those stupid things!
The daze was caused by her headache. >.< i wrote it in that paragraph...I guess it wasnt enough, im sorry!
And I'm also sorry for all those hads >.<
Kimiko was explaining to you readers that Danni was making her feel anxious.
wow..i never realized I didnt give Kiki's father a description >.< oops...xD
*huggles* thanks again hun!
Heya! Back again to give you another long review ^_^ I think I'm in love with long reviews. Anyways...
I would reword the last part to say: ...since Pink first entered the castle. It flows better. Try reading some things out loud. It always helps ^_^
I would nix the have. It doesn't belong.
Reword this sentence so it doesn't start with and. It just seems inproper to start a sentence with and or because.
I would make this part it's own seperate paragraph. It has nothing to do with what you were talking about in the first two paragraphs. Here, Kimiko is remebering.
The period after cat should be turned into a comma. Also, what does Pink mean "She's crazy"? Pink is a child. Maybe she would reenact what the maid was doing or tell Kimiko what the maid was saying. But just tell us how the maid is crazy!
.
Put a had after Pink.
You forgot when after incident and the comma after day.
Nix the had. This whole part with the royal meeting and the tiara thing seemed that Kimiko was rememerbing it. But then Dannie came up with the letter from "Daddy" and then they were visiting with the aunt and emperor. Was Kimiko remembering all that or was that present? Just a tad confused on that part.
I would start this off with and you. It makes more sense.
You forgot over after come.
Nix the had.
Put an 's' on the end of tiara.
Replace the semi-colon with a period. Also, put to after through.
Reword this sentence. At first it seems like you're going to tell us something with the whole, "and it seemed as it was just a little past noon." Seemed as it was...try and fix this.
Now why is Kimiko anxious?
Nix the exclamation mark. We can already tell Pink is excitited. She's a child. Also, she doesn't need to be capitilized.
How did it look great on Pink? Add some description! Did it match her hair, her clothes what? Also, put a comma after great.
Okay, this is a little weird. Pink has been living in the castle for a couple of months and this is the very first time she ever noticed the ocean? How do you not notice an ocean?
Repitive. There are other ways to describe someone smiling.
You can completely change these two sentences: I turned my attention back to Danni, a smile on my face. It was then that I finally noticed the rolled piece of parchement in her hand. It was tied with an emerald ribbon. That only meant one thing. It was from Daddy.
Change the semi-colon with a period.
You forgot the period after heavily.
Nix the had. You're changing tenses too much.
Same here. Get rid of that had!
Maybe have Danni gaze out at the ocean. Why just stand around when you can admire Nature's beauty?
Put this whole thing in italics. Also, it seems a little silly that her father would sign it as Daddy. It seems so childish. But that's my opinoin.
So is this on Earth? You mentioned elves but now the Japenese are in it. I'm a touch confused!
What it the meaning of the name? Perhaps you could mention that ^_^
Nix the had!
Uh...this sentence sounds awkward. Try reading it out loud. Reword it to something like this: Pink nodded her head, though it seemed like she didn't really quite understood what I had just told her.
You've never gone into description on Kimiko's father yet! What on earth does he look like? He's like a flat character. Nothing too him.
Now what does Emperor Ren look like? What is he wearing? You need to go into more description. You're just skimming over these details! Also, nice name for the emporer. I have a character named Ren ^_^
Reword this sentence: Before I knew it, Aunt Kimiko had wrapped her arms around me in a tight bear hug.
Only to my dismay...what? You left us off on nothing. Of course you do tell us that Sophia is sitting at the table, although I don't know how she missed her cousin coming in, but reword this sentence.
Replaces the period with a comma.
Un-captilize she.
It seems quite childish for the aunt to glare at Sophia. Maybe she could give Sophia a dispproving look. You also use had twice in this sentence.
Nix had.
You've used stated quite a few times before this. Use a different word.
.
This paragraph needs rewording: I glanced over at Pink. She was looking down into her lap but I noticed the one small tear that fell from her face. Her small hands were clenched into fists. I touched one to get her attention and she immediatly looked at me. I gave her a reassuring smile and wiped her tears away.
This sounds weird. Change it around so it says something like: Sophia gave me a look that was crossed with an evil smirk and a triumphant smile.
Wouldn't Kimiko's father have said something to this? You keep skimming over things. What is everyone's reactions? Another thing you missed: Who else is at this dinner thing?
I think the period and comma in this sentence need to switch places ^_^
It hurt eh? How did it hurt? This sounds rather telly.
Replace the comma after yours with a period.
Where did the Aunt come from? The two didn't hear her footsteps? Nothing?
Get rid of that had. Nix the and too.
Aunt should be capitilized. Also, Kimiko sounds like a baby here. Hurting me like that. Change that around >_<
Nix the had. You also forgot asked after and.
Here is that pesky had again.
Had again!
Put that after tears.
I think you know what to do ^_^
These sound rather telly. Jazz them up a bit. Your writing will sound better ^_^
Reword this a bit. You can put actions before the dialoge. Example: I leaned down and whispered into her ear, "Make a wish."
Break this into two different sentences.
Telly again. Jazz this up. Also, nix those exclamation marks. Well at least the second one.
A comma would be better than a period. She doesn't need to be capitilized and change exclaimed to something simple like...called.
Nix the had. Also, watch should be changed to watched.
Wouldn't her father want to know exactly when and how she got those wounds? He seems rather unfatherly.
The comma after laughed should be a period.
Okay, her daziness before this. What was all that about? Were the wounds poisened or something? Need some explaining here!
Description: Same as the last chapter. You could defiantly use more description places. Especially with the people.
Characters: There is plenty of character development between Kimiko and Pink both. But Kimiko's father seems rather blank. Emporerer Ren also never said a word to Kimiko. What was that about?
Overall: Another great chapter! You need more description in places and you also skim over things. You change tenses so much and all those hads are rather annoying after awhile. The ending is great. You got me wondering what that thing was and what is going to happen next!
PM me when you post the next piece up and if you have any questions.
Happy Writing!
Meadow
Ok
I trust you, o wise storyteller!
Nine year olds dont have boobehs. I'm not trying to make a big deal about it. I always believed if you have em, show em off. xD
It was just a time trying to show you how Pink trusts Kiki and basically only Kiki at this time. Later on, she only trusts women. Since men are the ones who beat the crap outta her for about six years. If I was her, I wouldnt trust men either. xD I'm sorry that it seemed I was making a big deal out of it. You'll understand the meaning of her fascination later on in the story.
It's good. Keep them coming.
Just a few reminders; You get repetive with your word choice a little too often. And, I'm not certain I understand the....fascination with Kiki's breasts. This is the second chapter in a row that you've made a big deal about it. It just seems a little off.
Ok, bye for now.