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Young Writers Society



The Little Girl in the Basement

by Kiki


Chapter One

The Little Girl in the Basement

The village looked a little poorer than the others I have seen. The cottages looked small with a few bigger ones here and there which I thought held a family. I stopped in my tracks before a couple of children ran past me laughing and a little girl running after them crying. I smirked as I stopped the two boys from running any farther and they looked a bit perturbed when I took the doll from the first boy’s hands.

“Hey! What are you doing!?” They exclaimed, almost together. “Give that back!”

I noticed the little girl fall down trying to catch up to the boys in front of me. I smirked evilly at the two. It amused me when they trembled.

“What does it look like I’m doing?” I walked past the boys and knelt down to the little girl only a few steps away holding her newly scratched knee. I push past her adorable red curls from her emerald eyes and held out her dolly the boys had taken. She wiped the tears from her eyes and smiled as she took her doll and hugged it close to the scraggly clothes on her chest. She nodded her head towards me and ran back towards what I thought was her home.

I glared back at the two little boys and the look of terror on their faces brought a smirk to my face as they quickly ran away.

“Lady Kimiko, that little girl didn’t even tell you thank you…” Daniel, my servant, stated crossing her arms a bit. Her beautiful sky blue eyes sparkled in the afternoon sunlight as she looked over towards me. Her golden curly locks of hair bounced a bit as she turned her head; they were neatly pinned up a bit with braids and I thought she looked adorable. Daniel was only a year younger than I, an age of 16. Although she wasn’t as developed as I was, and her corset looked a bit empty, she still was pretty and I had to watch the boys around the castle for her. She’s a bit air headed.

I smiled back at her, which turned her frown into a smile itself. She has told me how beautiful of a smile I had, with my straight perfect white teeth; hers almost just the same.

“No, she didn’t even have to tell me thank you, Danni, heh,” I laughed a bit. “I could see it in her eyes, how they sparkled; the simple smile on her face. I could just feel it.”

“You and your vibes, Lady Kimiko.” Danni smiled.

We walked around the village, greeting people, talking to them and enjoying some food some an elderly woman made us. She even gave us shawls to keep us warm on our way back of which she made herself. They knew we weren’t from around there, and they treated us like gold. We dressed different; though my clothes were more simple than the ones I’m used to wearing. A simple corset over a white blouse paired with a simple skirt. I think what really set us off was my pink gem necklace I couldn’t help but put on. It wasn’t something real extravagant, so I thought it wouldn’t tell anyone of our origin. Daniel wore even more simple clothing, she was my servant after all, the poor thing.

“Lady Kimiko, should we head back?” She asked, looking up at the sky. It was getting dusk, the sun was setting.

I sighed a bit, I didn’t want to go. But I knew that I had to do something about the poverty of this village, I could just tell my father; then whine and complain to get my way. I laughed at the thought; it’s just how I got my way.

Just as I started to turn around to head back to the carriage to go back to the castle, a man busted out of a cottage right beside us. He looked a bit drunk, and angry. He struggled to walk down the stairs; I watched him fall to the ground and noticed what looked like blood on his knuckles. I ran over towards him; I wish I hadn’t, he reeked of alcohol.

“Sir? Sir, are you alright?” I reached down to help him up and he grabbed my wrist very tightly and pulled me down towards him. He laughed and I wish he hadn’t. His teeth were gross to look at; all of them were either rotting or falling out. His grip tightened as he helped himself up and started to drag me into the cottage. I growled at him, twisted my wrist around and grabbed a hold of his own wrist.

“How dare you!” I turned around to face the back of him, set my free hand right above his elbow and with all the force I had pressed down. I heard his elbow crack and felt it break in two as the man screamed in pain.

Daniel gasped a bit, as she just noticed what was going on. I kicked the man down the steps and glared down at him.

“How dare you grab your Princess in that manner!”

I heard the man whimper and sob a bit; but then heard another piercing scream coming from the cottage behind me. It made me stop and cover my ears, even though it quickly ceased.

“What the hell is going on in there!?” I kicked the man again. “Tell me!”

He laughed again and then said something that I knew just wasn’t true,

“There lives a little demon in there…”

I felt as though that “little demon” must really mean a child, my heart sunk.

“You bastard! Danni, come with me!”

“Princess, wait!”

I turned to see a few villagers run up towards us. They were carrying torches in able to see, since it was pretty much dark out around this time.

“What the hell is going on here!?”

“What that man says is true,” A woman stated. “That demon killed the elderly couple who cared for her…”

“Keep this man here! Danni, c’mon!”

I couldn’t help but ignore their protests. A child could not have done anything like that. Daniel quickly ran up behind me as I walked into the cottage, slamming the door shut behind me. I could feel my anger rising, I was getting even more pissed when I heard another cry from what sounded like the basement. I swung the door open as the stale air brushed my hair and skirt back; it smelled horribly of dry blood.

A whimper. My heart sunk, this is where they kept her, the “little demon” as those horrible villagers called her. I started down the stairs very cautiously, the stench getting worse with every step I took. Daniel clinging onto my arm, watching every step she took so she wouldn’t trip over her own feet or my skirt. I heard what sounded like a smack of something hitting skin, and then another whimper. I continued down the stairs and then stopped in my tracks at the bottom step. I felt my mouth drop open from the sight that I saw…

There was a little girl, who looked like an age of nine, chained to the basement wall by her wrists and her neck. Blood was dripping down her forehead and she looked like she hadn’t been fed in a couple of weeks. I felt my anger rise even more, I could feel it pulsing through my veins. Daniel had gasped, which the man who was beating the girl must of heard since he stopped right before he hit her again.

“Who the hell are you?!”

I stepped down from the step and glared at the man. “Princess Kimiko.” I stated as calmly as I could. “You,” I smirked evilly and started to breathe heavily. “Are under arrest!”

By then, I knew my guards from the carriage had all ready made it down here, I heard them behind me. They quickly seized the man and carried him up the stairs to take him back to the castle. I looked over to the little girl, who was looking down, her hair long enough that it was flowing on the filthy floor and was blood stained. She didn’t look as though she had a bath in years, and she reeked of the stale blood air.

“Be careful…” I heard Daniel whisper.

I couldn’t help but walk over towards the little girl. I got an uneasy vibe, so I was cautious. As I kneeled down to check if she was alive, she shot her head up, only inches from mine and growled at me which made me jump back a few inches. The look on her face was a mixture of anger and fear, my heart sunk at the new blood running down her round cheeks. Even though she looked as though she was practically starved, her cheeks remained round and a little chubby as though her baby fat was still there.

I build up the courage to get a little closer to her which to that she seemed a little threatened and she growled at me a little more. Her eyes were big and round, they looked like a pair of black round charcoal looking back at me; and her hair was stained with blood.

“I-It’s okay, sweetie, I-I’m here to help…”

She growled at me again as I reached for an axe to cut down the chains.

“I promise you I’m not here to hurt you…” I cut down the chains holding the girl to the wall all in one swing. She fell to the ground onto her hands and knees. I dropped the axe onto the floor and knelt down to the girl. As I did, she lunged herself towards me but one of my guards grabbed her by the little chain left on the brace around her neck and she fell back towards him. He went to strike the girl…

“Liam, no! Stop!” I screamed. “Don’t you dare touch her!”

He hesitated, but eventually let her go.

I watched her look up at the guard, then over at me with a questionable look on her face. I stood up and held out my hand to her, only then did I noticed that she wore a pair of gloves, and her clothing looked as though they were old pieces of cloth sewn together very poorly. Her sash that held everything together was blood stained, just like everything else was. The gloves, especially, caught my curiosity. I reached into my corset and took out a pink handkerchief and knelt down to the girl’s height.

“May I?”

I wanted to wait until she gave me permission, but instead she snatched the handkerchief from my hands and rubbed it on her face. I laughed a bit, it was kind of cute.

We headed out of the little cottage; I had the little girl follow me back to the carriage. I noticed the village people backed away from us and stared in disbelief that I had this “little demon” walking next to me. We got into my carriage, Daniel and I and of course the little girl. Then something hit me while the carriage started moving; I didn’t know her name.

“Sweetheart, what’s your name?”

There was a pause as she looked up at me as though she didn’t understand what I was asking. That adorable clueless look on her face made me smile down at her.

“It’s okay, you can tell me. My name is Kimiko…see? I told you mine…so how about yours?”

The girl giggled a bit and shoved my pink handkerchief in my face as she stated:

“Pink.”


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Sat Mar 21, 2009 5:07 pm
Kiki says...



clinicallyunable wrote:**Still in shell shocked mode**

This is absoulutely amazing.

I can't belive there was so much I had to learn about writing !!
I'm not sure about one thing though . . .

Does Kimiko have a flaw? I mean even though she kicked that man she didnt kick him because she felt any sort of anger she kicked him in order to get to the "demon" who is now known as Pink.

Apart from that its excellent

I'ma read chapter 2 now !!


No Kiki kicked him for self defense. He grabbed her D= and it pissed her off lol ^^

And I am happy to hear that you like it so much! Enjoy Chapter 2!




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Sat Mar 21, 2009 7:15 am
clinicallyunable wrote a review...



**Still in shell shocked mode**

This is absoulutely amazing.

I can't belive there was so much I had to learn about writing !!
I'm not sure about one thing though . . .

Does Kimiko have a flaw? I mean even though she kicked that man she didnt kick him because she felt any sort of anger she kicked him in order to get to the "demon" who is now known as Pink.

Apart from that its excellent

I'ma read chapter 2 now !!




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Thu Mar 19, 2009 8:19 pm
Kiki says...



Too much about Danni? Maybe...I might change that a bit.

A) Kiki's a princess, so what? Ever since I started her back when i was 12, mind you, she's always been nobility. I wasn't going to change that now.

B) You'll find out later why she's gorgeous ;) it's just how she always was and again, I wasn't going to change it.

C) And with the exotic name, you'll find out in chapter 3 ;) Not only that, she's not gonna be the ONLY one with the "exotic" name. It's a japanese name meaning 'beautiful child' ...Just for now since this is only chapter one, wait and see the other characters ;)
Her father calls her Kiki and Pink calls her Kimi.

D) At first I wanted Kiki to be at the village visiting under cover. that's why the guards weren't around. She's the only child (or is she?) of her fathers..why wouldnt she have that little spunk to her? But for your sake I MIGHT change that around.

E) yeah..that did seem a little too evil for her character...I should reword that ...sorry ^^''

I mean yeah she's the main char, but Pink is the Little Girl in the Basement xD Read chapter two and see what you think of her. I, however, disagree with you. ^^'' sorry. And if my friend Anne had those great qualities to her, yeah I would tell that to someone xDDDD I speak my mind when I want to.

Of course you're not me. Wow...you said that a bit harsh, really. AND Kimiko DID learn that within the years they've been together. Danni's been her servant for some years. Thats why they're close friends. I dont see it said in the text...i might have taken that out =\ oops..sorry..or was it in the next chapter? I cant remember D=

But thanks for you input.


Edit: I looked it up on Wiki..yay wiki! <3 ...and disagree with you. Kiki doesn't have a tragic past, everything does not go her way, and she has her flaws. Sure, they aren't shown here in this chapter, but later on her flaws come into play. Of course, she's a Princess and can be a spoiled little brat...but who isnt spoiled and a princess? Yanno? And believe me, there will be puzzles that she cant solve, that she cant handle.

Just wait and see ;)




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Thu Mar 19, 2009 6:52 pm
Dark Sploosh wrote a review...



I never bother to go through a chapter play-by-play and point out every little error (tried it once, hated it), and there are always other people who do that, so I'll just cover the big things.

1. You told me way too much about Daniel. It's like I was handed everything I'll ever need to know about the character in one nice little paragraph. Now that I know everything, there's no reason to read any more about her, is there? You can't tell me stuff about a character's personality, you have to show them acting the way they are. I want to read to learn about these people, so a good deal of my incentive is gone once I'm given a bio like that. So show them acting the way they are. Your audience will be smart enough to get it, and it makes the character feel more real, which is always the goal. Kimiko was handled better, as I wasn't told flat out at the beginning that she was a princess, but I learned it as I went on. There's a specific three word phrase that is quite popular advice for writers pertaining exactly to this, but I won't repeat it, as I find it's becoming a cliche almost.

2. Speaking of Kimiko, from just this first chapter I can see she's in great danger of becoming a very annoying Mary Sue (if you don't know what that is, the quickest way to explain it is that it's a wish fulfillment character that annoys the crap out of the audience because of how the character serves as an ego stroking tool for the author). She's got a few glaring Sue characteristics, such as:

A. She's in a romanticized position of nobility. With this is the status, and the power, which you demonstrated when she summoned her guards to make arrests.

B. She's obviously beautiful. The fact that you go out of your way to infer that her breasts are big, even though that is pretty irrelevant to the story, particularly stands out.

C. She has an exotic name, even though no one else seems to. Unless of course it's Daniel that's the out of place name, but I have no way of knowing yet, although I suspect you mean Daniel's feminine form Danielle.

D. She is very good at self-defense/kicking the crap out of guys way bigger and stronger than her, but still seems to have personal guards at her every beck and call (about that, why didn't the guards try to protect her earlier when the rotten-teeth guy attacked her? Wouldn't they not let her out of their sight?)

E. This is sort of minor, but it stood out to me. It's the scene at the beginning where Kimiko stops the two boys from picking on the girl. Written another way, it would show that Kimiko is a caring girl who doesn't stand for injustice, which I'm sure is how you meant it to seem. But having Kimiko give the boys evil glares and find their fear amusing makes her seem sadistic instead, giving me a fairly negative first impression of her. Combined with her other Sue qualities, its like the scene was subconsciously written so you could imagine yourself defending young innocent girls from terrible, horrible boys who picked on them.

None of those qualities alone are bad at all (if beauty, princesses, and women who can kick ass were all considered bad writing, I'd think the literary world would be in trouble). Even just two or three of them are fine. But when all of them combine into one character, especially the protagonist, it becomes very apparent that the character serves less as an important part of the story, and more as a vehicle for the author's wish fulfillment fantasies. I'll have to see what you do with Kimiko in coming chapters to be sure, but for now, the red flag is up.

3. I'll tell you this, I liked the plot shifting into gear with the little girl being chained up in a basement. It genuinely interested me, and you showed me the girl, you didn't just tell me about her. This is crucial, I think. I believe you showed the girl but not Daniel (you did both with Kimiko) because you already have such a clear picture of Kimiko and Daniel in your head that you're beginning the book as if the reader would already know something about them. But we're not you. We don't know jack about anyone until we read about them. It was like you were forcing Kimiko and Daniel to be as familiar to us as they are to you. The girl on the other hand, is clearly written to be a mystery to the main characters. Partially this stems from the first person writing style, which has a habit of tricking authors into thinking that because the book is being narrated by one of the characters, that character has to tell the audience everything they know about everyone. Yes, Kimiko would know that Daniel is an air head, and that boys like her, but Kimiko would have had to learn that, wouldn't she? I doubt you would introduce a real friend of yours to someone else by saying, "This is Anne. She's really smart and bubbly, and has a lot of friends. She also likes Led Zeppelin and dogs."

That's about all the advice I have for this chapter. I want to keep reading, mostly to learn about the little girl and to find out just how much of a Mary Sue Kimiko is. Keep working on it.




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Thu Mar 19, 2009 3:34 am
Thirst_23 wrote a review...



This is a good foundation to build on.

I recomend two things. Nothing brings out awkwardness like READING the story aloud. What your fingers don't know about grammer, your ear does.

Also, more is needed, not less. There should be more emotion to the characters. More depth to everything.

But good start. :D

Byers




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Wed Mar 18, 2009 6:47 pm
Kiki says...



RubinLikes2Write wrote:Heyy! Nice story!


One thing that I'm curious about is what did Lady Komiko look like? And could you see any features of Pink that wasnt dirty or bloody?

Well i guess that was two things...


anyways good story keep it up. I'm about to read ch.2


I guess the best description in the story about Kimiko was that her eyes were blue and that her boobs are big xD uhm Pink's description gets better in Ch. 2 =DD when she gets a bath to get all that dirt and blood off of her =D

Thanks so much for the compliment! :D




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Wed Mar 18, 2009 2:41 pm
RubinLikes2Write wrote a review...



Heyy! Nice story!


One thing that I'm curious about is what did Lady Komiko look like? And could you see any features of Pink that wasnt dirty or bloody?

Well i guess that was two things...


anyways good story keep it up. I'm about to read ch.2




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Wed Mar 18, 2009 5:27 am
Kiki says...



Wow Thanks Tex!! I didnt even realize that I had Danni say ""Lady Kimiko" that many times!!! xDDD The things I dont notice...




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Wed Mar 18, 2009 2:47 am
TexanWriter wrote a review...



Hi! I'm Tex, and I'm here to give you a review. So, let's see what others haven't already noticed:

Grammar

You seem to switch tenses, from Past tense to Present, quite a few times. Actually, a ton. For example:

The village looked a little poorer than the others I have seen.

Past tense, the tense the majority of stories are written in, in in blue. Present tense, a rarely used tense, is in red. Switching tenses makes it hard for the reader to get caught up in the story.
But anyways, it should be "The village looked a little poorer than the other I had seen", or "The village looks a little poorer than the others I have seen". I would generally go for the first :wink:

Oh, and as MeadowLark said, you don't need to put an exclamation point before question marks.


Nit-picks & Personal Opinions

The cottages looked small with a few bigger ones here and there which I thought held a family.

What holds a family? All the houses? And this sentance could stand to be cut in half, for example:
"The cottages looked small, with a few bigger ones here and there. I thought they held a family."
So is there one house that holds a family, a few houses that hold a big family, or a few houses that hold a few families?

“Lady Kimiko, that little girl didn’t even tell you thank you…”
“You and your vibes, Lady Kimiko.”
“Lady Kimiko, should we head back?”

Danni uses "Lady Kimiko" quite a few times. Maybe you could throw in a "Milady" or something for variation?

And Pink seems to go from savage jungle girl to giggling village girl in a snap. I would think to explain that, or make it a little less drastic of a change.


Plot

This is a cool story, but you don't seem to give enough history or description to let us know about the world. Use... four of the five W's for this problem: Who are these people? When is this set? Where is this? Why is Princess Kimiko traveling through the village?


Overall

I think you have a great concept going on here, and I would love to see where you go with this! The beginning is a bit slow, but most first chapters are.


Hope I helped!





And, *ahem* I see you have posted but haven't reviewed anything. YWS asks that you keep the review to post (the post of a story or the such) ratio 2:1. Now go out there and help others with their work! Ha!




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Wed Mar 18, 2009 1:50 am
Saphirra wrote a review...



I think that the beginning of the story doesn't really do much to draw the reader in, but it certainly gets interesting as the story goes on. i like the way you give us a sense of the main characters thoughts and personality right at the beginning. MeadowLark the confused and lost oddball pretty much did the corrections, and i definitely agree about the sentence length. change it up a little bit, and remember that short sentences have more impact then long sentences. However, long sentences are good for flow. Thats pretty much it!
Saphirra
Feel free to read and review my first story, Hidden Evil! :D




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Wed Mar 18, 2009 12:31 am
Kiki says...



Thanks hun! =D




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Wed Mar 18, 2009 12:22 am
MeadowLark wrote a review...



Heya! I'm going to review this for you!

I stopped in my tracks before a couple of children ran past me laughing and a little girl running after them crying.


This sentence needs to be cleaned up. It doesn't really make sense at first. I know what you mean but it needs to be reworded. Say something like: I stopped in my tracks before a couple of running children. The two boys were laughing while the small girl was crying.

“Hey! What are you doing!?” They exclaimed, almost together. “Give that back!”


You don't need the exclamation mark before the question mark. The tone you've set tells us that they're raising their voices and along with the exclaimed word used after.

I smirked evilly at the two.


You've already used smirked before this. Try a different word.

I push past her adorable red curls from her emerald eyes and held out her dolly the boys had taken.


Change past to passed.

I glared back at the two little boys and the look of terror on their faces brought a smirk to my face as they quickly ran away.


This sentence is quite long. Shorten it down.

Daniel was only a year younger than I, an age of 16.


Don't use numbers unless the number is quite long. Sixteen is better.

She’s a bit air headed.


She was. You changed tenses.

We walked around the village, greeting people, talking to them and enjoying some food some an elderly woman made us.


This sentence is long too. Shorten it up. Also take out the second some. It makes no sense with it in there.

Daniel wore even more simple clothing, she was my servant after all, the poor thing.


I would take out "the poor thing" or make it a different sentence.

“Lady Kimiko, should we head back?” She asked, looking up at the sky.


You've done this before. You don't need to capitlize she. It isn't the end of a sentence.

I sighed a bit, I didn’t want to go.


Change the comma to a period.

But I knew that I had to do something about the poverty of this village, I could just tell my father; then whine and complain to get my way.


The comma after village should be changed to a period. You're using to long of sentences. Reword the bolded part. I could just tell my father. When I whined or complained, things always seemed to go my way.

There are a lot more nit-picks but I need to go.

Try and use shorter sentences. You also change tenses.

This is a good story so far and I can't wait to read more. PM if you have any questions or when the next part is up.

Happy Writing!

Meadow





I am proud of my self, the reason why some of you might disagree with me a little with, but nevertheless I still proud.
— Oxara