You have chosen with the roll of your dice,
You heart as you did it was cold as ice,
You have a favorite and it’s him you have taken,
It is nice to know it is me you have forsaken,
Let him break the law,
You beat my heart raw,
You spare his rod day by day,
Leave wages for me to pay,
He smiles at me knowing he is the child with power,
If he doesn’t get his way he will hurt me with no cower,
You’d watch your angel do it,
And one day you will rue it,
I tried and still try to get your love,
For that I would need help from above,
Like fruit is soul spoils and will rot,
My temper boils a this sick thought,
Wait until he is a teenager,
He will be your scariest danger,
Why should I be good if all I get are these punishments?
For this I will forever and ever feel resentments,
I will not stay,
To watch you pay,
You will not see me get married,
Nor children I will have carried,
When all has been said,
To me you are dead,
You watched me and helped him time after time as I cry and almost dye,
You used to get to see my tears but now only I see myself cry,
For this my gift to you I will leave without so much of a goodbye.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi there. Lavvi in to review.
I found the rhyme scheme was okay, but at times the words were jumbled, making it hard for the reader to understand.
Especially this one. I'm not quite sure what you're trying to get by us, and it's very confusing. Try rewording a bit, reading it out to someone. Then you might realise how it could be so mind boggling.
It was an okay poem. It really kind of reminded me of something that might be in the whole love triangle section of things. It actually made me think of those star-crossed lovers: Bella and Edward and Jacob
It wasn't totally unoriginal, but it wasn't something refreshing and new either, unfortunately. It has potential.
Lavvi
Hi there, Shadow here. First off, I agree with Idraax about that line. It doesn't make much since to me and it only confused me. I think my favourite part is
but maybe it's because that's part of my username (purposly miss spelled by the way).
Other than that confusing line, I like this. It's very romantic in a way (I'm not sure if that's what you were looking for, but in my opinion that's what it sounds like). If this were a song, I'd listen to it over and over again, not only because the words are amazing, but because they paint a picture in my head of the situation, but it lacks detail so that my mind can fill that in. (I'm not sure if I'm making much since, so I think I'll just go now.) This is amazing, and I'd be more than happy to review anything else if you like. Just PM me if you need anything else. 'Like'.
~Forsakinshadow~
This was an interesting poem. One thing though. It's not one large sentence. Please, put periods at the end of your sentences. Poems are just like prose; they need punctuation too. I like the rhyming too. It works for this poem. I didn't understand this line though.
What were you trying to say? It's good though. Keep writing!Heya. Fellow n00b here.
It's clear what your emotions are, and they are raw. That's one thing I like about this poem.
The poem is structured in couplets, which is new but not strange. The rythm is broken only occasionally. Therefore, nice.
However, in soem places lines feel like they have been made to rhyme simply for the sake of rhyming, and words feel out of place, just put there so that they can rhyme. This is a bit awkward while reading.
And the very last couplet is't a couplet, it is a segment made up of three sentences. Something feels incomplete about the last time - could it be because it ends with a comma? Do look into it.
All in all, I like the poem. Even I've felt this way, so I can relate to it.
- Alex