Picking up the pieces
of my life day after
day.
Picking up the pieces
and putting them away.
I don't have a special
glue
for human tissue.
What can I do?
Piece
by
piece.
Can you hear
me?
Shattering like silence in the presence of sound.
Picking
up the pieces, but only the ones I found
lying closest to my feet,
touching the ground.
Piece
by
piece.
Can you see me?
I am
smiling. I'm alive, only I am not.
Taped like bits from a broken
clay pot
clumsily rearranged, or so I thought.
I
am
STRONG.
But maybe not for long.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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140,740 Literary Works • 673,684 Reviews
Hey there,
Nit-picks first:
The flow here is a little bit off because the line before it was so short. The metre is so that the emphasis here is on "life" rather than "day". "day after day" is a commonly heard phrase with the emphasis on the first "day". It sounds quite strange in that way therefore. I think just starting a new line on the first "day" would work.
The "clay" feels a bit forced here because it would work without it (as in the sentence would make sense without it) but the metre doesn't. It therefore looks like you're only doing that to make the metre work. I think you can get round this problem by rearranging it as:
"Taped like the clay bits of a broken pot".
Overall:
I like what you've done here. You've taken the idea of pieces and put it in the structure, and you've done it well. The tiny lines work for that. I think one thing you could do to make this even more effective is create a crescendo by making the lines more fragmented each time, like a clock ticking down, to go with your final line. You could have the first time:
"Piece by piece."
The second, "Piece
by piece"
The third, "Piece
by
piece"
But you can decide for yourself if you think that that's too heavy handed.
Hope that helps,
Biscuits
Thanks for the review!
I appreciate any writer who takes the time to explore themselves through their work. You've most certainly done that here, and you've done it quite well. Be proud.
Although repetition and rhyming can easily make a writer lose meaning for the sake of convention, you've done a good job of avoiding that trap.
The only major issue I have in that regard is the line "clumsily rearranged, or so I thought." which feels more like rhyming for the sake of rhyming rather than a thought connected to the poem's metaphor.
As for more minor edits, I would remove, "I am smiling." On the following line, I'd switch out the contraction and the fully spelled words to make it, "I am alive, only I'm not." This I believe will make the line flow better.
I'd also add the word "together" after "Taped", just to add a little extra bit to the image already evoked by the line.
Lastly, I don't see the necessity of the ALL CAPS for "STRONG", which is the only example in this poem of affecting the text through a method other than separate lines. It seems unnecessary.
In terms of positives, I like the line "Picking up the pieces, but only the ones I found", which carries the metaphor quite well. It's also one I find relatable to my own life experience.
Overall, you have a good poem here. Don't be afraid to spend just a little more time with it to work out its kinks.
Thanks for the review!
love the line
keep writing!