Silence.
I'm not sure how to help you.
Can you hear me?
You don't even know why I'm here...
Temperature.
One blanket, two blankets, no, three.
Can you even feel me?
I wrap my arms around you, please take my warmth.
Blank.
Your eyes stare into empty space.
Can you see me?
I wave my hand at your face. Please move!
Fluids.
Drop by drop, slowly.
Can you take them in?
I watch them run through the line into your vein.
Tired.
It's been a long day.
Can you blame me?
I fall asleep on top of your still body.
Survive.
Please, make it through the night.
Can you hear me whisper?
I promised we'd do our best to help you.
Movement.
One hour and your body starts to quiver.
Can you feel better for me?
Your temperature went up...just by one degree.
Time.
Two hours and you lift your head.
Can you promise it's real?
I cover you up to chase away the cold.
Life.
You're hissing, that's a good sign.
Can you stop scratching me?
I wrap you up and carry you into a kennel.
You made it, I don't know how.
We both thought you'd be dead by now.
"He's going to survive" said the vet to me.
That was just one night. One emergency.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hey! It's Mahvash here.
This poem is really unique and I must say it. Yeah, there are some weak points but overall it's very very engaging. It basically cultivates the interest of the reader. The way you have described the situation is kind of dramatic and I like this style. One word and then its description, it's amazing.
My only suggestion for you is to use semi colon or colon instead of full stop, I think that would be much better. And just try to improve your imagination, use some more interesting words and sentences.
But being honest I love this poem. Great work. Keep it up.
Thank you for your encouraging words! I'll focus on more descriptive wording for my next poem.
You are welcome dear.
This is Kaos here for a review!
I didn't really like the kind of listing format that this poem kind of had going on with the word and then like, three lines after it. It gets stale after awhile and doesn't really do anything to add to the poem. However, that doesn't mean I don't like some of the content inside, it's mostly just the way that this is structured that bothers me. Instead of having it exactly this way, change it up and mix it around. There's kind of a faint rhyme in this poem, but it didn't add anything, then again, it didn't really take away anything either. It's just kind of there in some spots.
A general rule of thumb is to rhyme throughout the poem or at least to have a rhyme scheme going on? But for this poem, I'm just going to suggest to take it out. I wanted to also point out the line structure. You don't have to end every line after it starts and it gets repetitive with everything just ending like that.
Use commas and semicolons and even dashes at the appropriate times; build lines on top of each other and connect them to each other or make lines have more emphasis since they're a short and powerful line. Take flow into consideration for this poem and don't just push that aside.
The last lines of each stanza kind of cancelled out the power in the second line with the questions. I was wanting more imagery and more specifically, sensory detail. This is something that is crucial in description, and especially in this poem. Use all five of your senses to describe the scene and immerse the reader.
I hope I helped and have a great day!
Thank you! I haven't written in so long so I just threw something out there in a few minutes to see what I get. I think you're right. Are there any websites that have good tutorials on how to make your poetry better?
Hi, here with a review. First of all, I really enjoyed your poem, I think it's unique and full of imagery. The use of rhetorical questions are very good. Through out the whole poem, I was intrigued and wanted to know what this whole situation was about, who is this or are they dying? It make questions occur as I read more and more. Overall, I loved this poem and enjoyed it. Keep writing!
~Rosy234
Thank you Rosy, I'm glad you got that feel because that's what I was aiming for. I wanted readers to discover what this is all about at the very end.
Heya, Keumgan! Casanova here to do a review for you! I'll be doing this section by section, so I hope you don't mind!
I'm having trouble understanding the relation between the last line and the rest of the stanza. This is supposed to be about silence, then it goes into why are you there. I didn't really enjoy that.
You could have left the word,"three," from the second line and wouldn't have lost anything but the horrid rhyme that breaks this up. I rather like these lines, though, so props for that.
I would suggest stripping this of the please move part, it didn't fit well in my opinion. I think these lines are okay, but they're pretty straight forward. You lack imagery in your stanzas, and that's something that can be worked out.
Now we're getting somewhere. Someone lying in a hospital bed, perhaps? I don't know at thi point, but you're intriguing me to continue.
I like these lines, but the last one seems to disrupt the flow of the stanza. I would suggest shortening it.
No imagery, but chalked full of emotion. I give props for that.
I didn't really like the,"Can you feel better for me?" line. I would think this would just be about movement and the person lying in the hospital bed. Detach yourself sometimes and make it strictly about the other things in the poem and not yourself.
You say to chase away the cold when you specify this is about time. I would suggest keeping images to one stanza, or letting them flow together.
Oh, so it's not a person. I have to give you props for that.
I really like these lines although there's rhyme in each line.
Overall I think this has some good twists and turns and that it would be a lot better given adding imagery and playing around with your idea of the poem, and letting it actually flow.
Anyway, that's all I have on this one and I hope it helped. Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.
Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron
Thank you Casanova. I did feel like it needed more work, and I agree that it lacks imagery. I wrote it in a few minutes and published just to see what effect it has. I was aiming for the reader not knowing exactly what's going on till the end, and clearly that worked. However, I should have given it more description. I had trouble figuring out how to do that since that would have messed up the mystery aspect of the poem.