I would have sworn I heard footsteps behind me. Looking back, it was just an eerie empty road. "It was a terrible idea walking through this path by this time of the night" I cursed under my breath as the path ahead looked longer and creepier than I'd imagined!
And the street lights were no longer functional. No sign of the moon, just a bunch of dark clouds.
I tried so hard to be strong but the eerie silence and thick darkness alone made my heart want to jump out of my skin. The only audible sound was the hooting of an owl made at intervals, making me feel I was in a hopeless horror movie.
The cold breeze whistled as it blew. Not sure if it was about to rain and I didn't really care, all I wanted was to get home safely. I mean, even if I'm to die young, I wouldn't want to be eaten or torn apart by lurking monsters I'd imagined in my mind ready to pounce on me. I worried less about bandits, probably because they wouldn't really care about taking a life out of a boy scared of the dark.
I wasn't sure whether to play a Christian music out loud from my phone or just to continue dragging my feet hurriedly like I've been doing.
I wasn't even done contemplating when my eyes glanced through this dark, tall looking figure, just some inches away from the corner of the road, I'd sworn it came right from hell.
It was still, so I was as soon as I noticed it.
I could clearly hear the sound of my heartbeat even though I wasn't paying attention to it.
My first instinct was to run pass it and not look back, but wait, what if it pursued me, how will I narrate that to people if I eventually didn't get eaten? My feet already started running back as fast as it could to the other route without even waiting for my instinct to show it's second self.
Phew! Home at last. I was done with my night prayers as soon as I could even when the imagery of what I saw kept distracting my mind as I prayed.
Reaching out for my phone from my pocket and navigating through the search box in google, I typed in "what do evil spirits look like". The search results weren't close to the monster I saw with my bare eyes.
I decided to let it go and have some night rest.
It was already morning. "I'll definitely go back to see if the monster was still there" I said to myself. About 10:10 am after I was done with my morning chores. I picked up my phone and headed back to the road. I could feel the chills sent down my spine as I walked down the road.
It wasn't long enough that I figured out there was no monster, it was just Mike's new scarecrow that he'd placed in his garden.
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
Hi Ken95,
Mailice here with a short review!
I was very surprised to find a combination of horror and humour here, and was also immediately excited when I read the story and sat there with a grin at the end, having been working with a shiver down my spine for a bit longer as I read through it.
Let's start. You really start off very excellently with the first paragraph. Not only with the first sentence but with the whole first paragraph you throw the reader right into the story and you are, like the character a little bit in ignorance of what exactly is after you.
The suspense is there from front to back and like that the narrative deals with the first person narrator very well. You don't just see the horror, you also feel the fear and anxiety of the narrator. I really like that we also see the thoughts here, which is very handy to also get to know the character better and see what exactly he is thinking.
One thing that struck me rather negatively was how you did the ending. I found it very amusing to get there, however I thought you wrote the ending very briskly. I think if you fleshed it out a bit more, you could take the tension here to a new high for a moment before the humour kicks in.
In summary, it was a nice little short story with really great descriptions where you could feel the fear and a surprising ending!
Have fun writing!
Mailice
Ahhh! I loved this! The end especially made me chuckle to be honest.
I really like the way you described the setting, your usage of imagery could be better but it is effective.
There's not much to say about this, except that it's a good story. Your grammar in some parts needs a little work but aside from those two things, you're good to go!
Good job and happy writing!<3
Hello Ken95,
I enjoyed this story a lot. It was nice and creepy.
I like how the beginning immediately sets a somber tone. It's starting to get creepy. However, I would put the dialogue in its own paragraph.
I smiled when I read that part.
I loved the twist at the end!
Overall, I thought the story was creative and spooky. Great job!
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: This was a really nice little short story. It had a wonderful start with some truly creepy descriptions and then that twist at the end was brilliant. It definitely made me laugh non stop for several minutes (surprisingly difficult to do) and on the whole was a nice little twist on the traditional jump scare stories.
Anyway let's get right to it,
This is a really nice little setup to start things off here. You've done a great job of catching the attention of the readers while at the same time setting up a rather creepy setting with your description and that's of course a god thing.
Really good choice there to show his thoughts as they react to the environment around him. It does a good job immersing us in the story itself.
Oooh...monsters...now that makes things even more interesting...unless of course our protagonist is just being extremely paranoid after watching too many horror movies.
That's a little contradictory there because dragging one's feet is usually used to signify that the person is moving slowly...unless that was the effect that you were going for here...this person is actually having trouble going fast. Is he?
Contemplating is a really nice choice of words there. It adds just a little bit of extra humor to this and I think considering the category you put this in that was what you intended.
Wow this guy has seriously messed up priorities...
That one made me laugh quite hard there. Its a lovely little twist to end this one a funny note. You do a wonderful job building up the tension and the whole creepiness factor at the start of this story and that makes this ending that much more effective. Really nicely done.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall it was a really nice little short, not too much that I would think of changing in here. It had a simple plot and you execute that really well. Definitely was quite funny. Great Job!!
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi @Ken95, RadDog here! Let me start off by saying that this was an amazing piece. I really enjoyed reading it. It was really good how you managed to fit the story into this many words. That being said, it did feel a little bit rushed. There were also a few grammatical errors, a lot of which were run on sentences. I would recommend checking that out. Other than that a great piece of literature. Keep up the good work and happy wriring!
Thank you!
Hello and greetings! I am Lezuli and I shall review this for you today!
For starters, this is a nice, creepy little story with a few minor grammatical errors that are all quick fixes. I like the way the main charector reacts to the idea of a horror monster chasing him. Instead of 'I'm too young to die', it's 'If I'm to die young, I'd rather not be eaten and torn apart so I better get moving'.
Anyway, as for the changes, all simple and grammatical stuff.
You need a period after 'night' because it is the end of a sentence.
This is all one sentence, so you should break it up with some periods. A good place to put some would be after 'dark, tall looking figure' and 'corner of the road'.
Another run-on sentence, so break this one up too. A period after 'not look back' and a question mark after 'pursued me' would do the trick nicely.
Two things here. The first is that when you use 'it' in 'back as fast as it could' it should be 'they' not 'it' because you're referring to more than one thing. The second that the 'it's' you use in 'to show it's second self' means 'it is' and you want it to be the possessive 'its'.
In this case, 'google' is a proper noun so it should be capitalized.
And that's all I got for you! I hope this helps!
Thanks a lot!
Lord Momo, Squire of the Green Room, is here to review!
To start, it's really good. You get so much in in so few words, and to me, that's not easy! This story is really well written, and you're a great author! There are just a few things I wanted to point out, so let's get started!
One thing that confused me: How old is your character? You mention him as a boy, which makes me think he's young, but when he gets home, he isn't greeted by a parent, which makes me assume he's older. If you could answer that, that would be great.
Put a period after "night". This happened again later, so if you want me to point that out, feel free to PM me.
I think you want a comma instead of a period after "chores".
Other then that, I love it! my favorite line was:
That sent shivers down my spine!
Kepp writing, and have a happy #RevMo !
Lord Momo
Thank you Lord Momo. He's in his early twenties and he lived alone.