I absolutely hate delays, but as long as my tree got out ok, I was good with it. I spent the following night in my tree, it definitely beats the alternative. But I tossed and turned thinking about how fast the humans aged, it was striking to see someone you knew at his eight years old, and now, you seem the same age. I don't know why this bothered me so; that was the other thing that disturbed me. I shouldn't care much, I'm immortal. But for some reason, the fact that I was the same age as Grey really reminded me of how old I was by human standards.
***
I hadn't gotten a wink of sleep, when some creaking noise filled my ears. My tree screamed in pain, I couldn't think strait. I pulled the lever that let me out, the faces of many men met my eyes. I cringed, this is what happens when you go into a tree in a loggers town. My tree's roots were up from the ground, it was in major pain, but it would live.
"I can take it from here, thank you gentlemen"
I payed them in a single diamond, humans are so weird, they treasure things that are all too common, and don't know about the really rare treasures. The men left, this was not where the work was... Yet. I called Kona, she came. I harnessed my tree to her, and she lifted it up, sweat beading on her forehead and turning into steam. But the place I had in mind wasn't far... Only half way 'cross the world.
The Galapagos islands.
***
Whence we arrived, people said that it was supposed to be a safe haven for the plants and animals that couldn't live anywhere else. I put on a facade of concern.
"But... This tree cannot live anywhere else, it's a special breed, it needs care."
No one cared, they knew I was lying.
"I can handle this". The man from the logging town?!
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,930 Literary Works • 673,753 Reviews
Hi! Cricket here for a review!
Hope you don't mind!
As this is a shorter work, this must might be a shorter review than usual, hon.
So first off.. the title. As cool as it sounds and everything, that doesn't excuse the grammar problem. XD Instead of a semi-colon, use an n-dash (-). So it would read like this. This is War-Chapter three. Kay?
Bit of a run-on really. I'd suggest starting a new sentence, once you go into it was striking to see someone and so forth. Run-on's can be a pain, but once you get the hang of it, they aren't really that bad to avoid. The best way to avoid them, is to think of your sentence as a separate idea. If something conflicts with that idea, then it shouldn't be there. Kinda like a paragraph! Only one idea should be there, and everything else needs to be taken out.
The word that I added in red needs to be there. One thing that can help with getting rid of run-on sentences and totally unreliable sentence connectors. Or in this case, no sentence connector.
Typo
Misspelling of the word. You spelled it as "strait" before. The way I have it here is the way to do it.
This seems like a thought process that is completely not out there. Like it feels lost. What you can do is place the actual thought process in italics, and then say I thought at the end, to just verify that it's actually a thought process!
Slight typo, and I have one suggestion for you here. How about you elaborate more on the diamond? Like what shape? Maybe some light is glinting off it? Try to describe as you go, without making it seem like you're shoving info in our faces.
Also try describing reaction as well as action as you go. For instance...
These two lines, although necessary, seem rather random and not exactly connected to each other. For one, when one doesn't think straight, you could describe it along the lines of, fuzzy spots of pain began to run across my eyes, or whatever. Rather hasty example there, and as I'm assuming it's a tree it wouldn't really have eyes. XD
But what I really mean, is that you need a bit more description than what you have here. Granted, what you have I mostly like and can see where it's going somewhat, but there still isn't enough. For instance, I have basically no clue what everything looks like. I know that there's a tree or something and some men are threatening to pull it down or something, but other than that, I'm empty. Don't have any idea where it's going.
I'd suggest trying to add (like I said before) reaction to action, intermixed with everything. Try and make it seem descriptive in some parts, while others' flow forward with dialogue and action/reaction. Describe the reaction to everything, rather than just saying, he did this and he did that and so forth.
XD I can see that your grammar has improved by a LOT. I'm VERY pleased with your grammar in mostly all areas, hon! With this, I know I've said this time and time again, and you're probably tired of hearing it, but I felt I that I should reinforce it just in case you've forgotten or something. XD
Periods at the end of a sentence. ALWAYS. Not something optional at all.
Just a couple of grammatical errors that I noticed... The period needs to be directly after this with the quotation mark afterwards. You do this quite a number of times in this work, but a quick run through will fix it. The other was that, you should never have two points of exclamation/question directly next to each. With this case I'd say put the question mark there, and then put the entire sentence into italics to add to the effect. Always try and use italics when trying to bring out a certain phrase or word. OK?
OK, and I think I'm done. Excellent work Kelpies. Your grammar is improving, as is your general flow of things. Let me know if you need a review on anything else! I'd be happy to do it for you, as this is totes awesome.
Keep writing!
~Cricket
Kelpies, nice to see my old, old friend! Gotta respect my elders...
I was mainly confused by this all because I haven't read the last two chapters, but no matter. Here: what tree are you talking about, and "ok" should be "OK" or "okay".
"I absolutely hate delays, but as long as my tree got out ok, I was good with it."
Who are all of these people?! Anyways, here's a few mistakes. 1. "Strait" is supposed to be "straight". 2. "Loggers" is supposed to be "loggers'". 3. Punctuation after "gentleman".
"I hadn't gotten a wink of sleep, when some creaking noise filled my ears. My tree screamed in pain, I couldn't think strait. I pulled the lever that let me out, the faces of many men met my eyes. I cringed, this is what happens when you go into a tree in a loggers town. My tree's roots were up from the ground, it was in major pain, but it would live.
"I can take it from here, thank you gentlemen""
Punctuation.
""I can handle this"."
The ending was humorous, if that was what you where going for. This work was well done, and you should keep writing forever, maybe get an author's job. Follow your dreams!
-wisegirl22
Kelpies, nice to see my old, old friend! Gotta respect my elders...
I was mainly confused by this all because I haven't read the last two chapters, but no matter. Here: what tree are you talking about, and "ok" should be "OK" or "okay".
"I absolutely hate delays, but as long as my tree got out ok, I was good with it."
Who are all of these people?! Anyways, here's a few mistakes. 1. "Strait" is supposed to be "straight". 2. "Loggers" is supposed to be "loggers'". 3. Punctuation after "gentleman".
"I hadn't gotten a wink of sleep, when some creaking noise filled my ears. My tree screamed in pain, I couldn't think strait. I pulled the lever that let me out, the faces of many men met my eyes. I cringed, this is what happens when you go into a tree in a loggers town. My tree's roots were up from the ground, it was in major pain, but it would live.
"I can take it from here, thank you gentlemen""
Punctuation.
""I can handle this"."
The ending was humorous, if that was what you where going for. This work was well done, and you should keep writing forever, maybe get an author's job. Follow your dreams!
-wisegirl22
Kelpies, nice to see my old, old friend! Gotta respect my elders...
I was mainly confused by this all because I haven't read the last two chapters, but no matter. Here: what tree are you talking about, and "ok" should be "OK" or "okay".
"I absolutely hate delays, but as long as my tree got out ok, I was good with it."
Who are all of these people?! Anyways, here's a few mistakes. 1. "Strait" is supposed to be "straight". 2. "Loggers" is supposed to be "loggers'". 3. Punctuation after "gentleman".
"I hadn't gotten a wink of sleep, when some creaking noise filled my ears. My tree screamed in pain, I couldn't think strait. I pulled the lever that let me out, the faces of many men met my eyes. I cringed, this is what happens when you go into a tree in a loggers town. My tree's roots were up from the ground, it was in major pain, but it would live.
"I can take it from here, thank you gentlemen""
Punctuation.
""I can handle this"."
The ending was humorous, if that was what you where going for. This work was well done, and you should keep writing forever, maybe get an author's job. Follow your dreams!
-wisegirl22
Kelpies, nice to see my old, old friend! Gotta respect my elders...
I was mainly confused by this all because I haven't read the last two chapters, but no matter. Here: what tree are you talking about, and "ok" should be "OK" or "okay".
"I absolutely hate delays, but as long as my tree got out ok, I was good with it."
Who are all of these people?! Anyways, here's a few mistakes. 1. "Strait" is supposed to be "straight". 2. "Loggers" is supposed to be "loggers'". 3. Punctuation after "gentleman".
"I hadn't gotten a wink of sleep, when some creaking noise filled my ears. My tree screamed in pain, I couldn't think strait. I pulled the lever that let me out, the faces of many men met my eyes. I cringed, this is what happens when you go into a tree in a loggers town. My tree's roots were up from the ground, it was in major pain, but it would live.
"I can take it from here, thank you gentlemen""
Punctuation.
""I can handle this"."
The ending was humorous, if that was what you where going for. This work was well done, and you should keep writing forever, maybe get an author's job. Follow your dreams!
-wisegirl22
Thanks! I take it that you kept posting it as a comment and then put it as a review XD.
Thanks! I take it that you kept posting it as a comment and then put it as a review XD.
Ya.
Apparently I pressed enter twice. And I'm not that old XD.
But I am that slow on the uptake