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Forgive

by Kazeybear


I'm just standing here in the rain,

small collections of molecules

sinking deep into my pores,

reminding me of could-beens 

and has-beens

and might've-beens. 

All is not lost, 

but all is certainly not forgiven. 

~

I'm just standing by your doorstep,

trying to repent of my sins, 

to purify the ground

and stop my own tyranny,

tyranny caused by you but

made by me. 

All is not lost, 

but all is certainly not forgiven.

I'm just standing here on the brink of life,

and I'm about to jump. 

The only thing that stops me

is your smile, in my mind, 

your scent in my nose, 

your kiss...

On my cheek.

All is not lost,

but all is most certainly forgiven.


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172 Reviews


Points: 3069
Reviews: 172

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Thu Dec 29, 2016 6:22 am
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fukase wrote a review...



Hi,
Just a reminder note that I don't read the previous reviews because I'm too tired to do that, so sorry if I repeat something. However, if I did repeat something, it means that the thing I repeated has double values, right?

***

I love your tone here and not forgetting the mood. It is so melancholic and sad: I can definitely feel the guilty tone here. Each of them flows great and your transitions between each stanzas doesn't really affect your mood here.

The most obvious thing that people will notice is the repetition of the last two lines in each stanzas. This is the main thing that you want to focus and the story before the two lines just to conclude them. And I notice a simple grammar error there:

reminding me of could-beens

You forgot to put "have" after "could" there. Sorry for being nitpicky

Now I'll go deeper...

I
I'm just standing here in the rain,
small collections of molecules
sinking deep into my pores,
reminding me of could-beens
and has-beens
and might've-beens.
All is not lost,
but all is certainly not forgiven.


I am a fanatic of rain. It's just really calming and yet sad to use the rain "images" which your image is quite interesting and fresh and provoking. Sadly, people overused the "rain" image, and you almost did overuse it. As readers of poetry, I'm looking for new and fresh thing especially metaphors. (<<< I was ranting, sorry. XD)

And I had read or listened somewhere else things like "has beens", "might've beens", etc, which they wouldn't impress me much because well, I'd read that. My suggestion, you can twist your concept a little and try to make differences because this poem has potential and can expand from normal sad romance poems to extraordinary sad romance poem. Anyway, this poem has a lot of white spaces, so why not fill something more into them as people said, long and strong. Your poem is in standard length or medium-short length which I too prefer this length, but I rarely make them choppy lines though; but it's up to you.

II
I'm just standing by your doorstep,
trying to repent of my sins,
to purify the ground
and stop my own tyranny,
tyranny caused by you but
made by me.
All is not lost,
but all is certainly not forgiven.


I like the image of this stanza. I had experienced this and I could relate this to me which this stanza has strong image. However, it is somewhat lacking details. What "tyranny"? What "sins"? I understand the twist there about "caused by you but made by me", however, it is explained blandly. It could use some soft subtle elements there.

III
I'm just standing here on the brink of life,
and I'm about to jump.
The only thing that stops me
is your smile, in my mind,
your scent in my nose,
your kiss...
On my cheek.
All is not lost,
but all is most certainly forgiven.

I love the thing you're trying to tell, but like I said before, this stanza could also have some more descriptions. It's not strong enough to not only frankly say "your smile--your kiss--your scent". Instead give them forms so they can stand on their own. What kind of smile, how the kiss felt, or what the hell is your scent in my nose. Sorry for the "hell" there.

***

I love reading this kind of melancholic poem. Overall, yours isn't that bad, but it can be improve. Don't think what the poem means to you, but think also what the poem means to us, the readers (and the reviewers :P ). You can do better, everyone can.

Keep writing!

~~memo




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Thu Dec 08, 2016 4:03 pm
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Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Kaos here for a review!

I enjoyed the first stanza with the imagery that you give and I wanted more of that with the rain seeping into the speaker's pores. It's a strong image that you should try and take advantage of. The other thing that I wanted to note is to use punctuation to your advantage because it changes how the reader perceives the flow of the poem and how they read it. The last two lines didn't really hit as hard as I think they intended to and I wanted you to keep growing on the rain-pattering-on-the-sidewalk tone or feel that this poem gave off in the first stanza, though I do have to say it does do well at wrapping it up.

I didn't like the second stanza as much as the first, and you'll see that I feel the same way about the third stanza as it didn't really have as much emotional weight behind the lines and turned more into being a standard romance poem that doesn't really do anything new. Something that I wanted to touch on here was your use of punctuation; it's good to have lines build on each other, especially when writing imagery or descriptions, but it's not good when they needlessly drag on for a long time.

Don't just brush your punctuation usage or things like that such as word choice. Word choice is what I wanted to talk about next. You can use the stronger synonyms of words to make your poem stronger, but this doesn't mean to fill your poem with words that nobody knows, it just broadens the vocabulary. It also helps set-up the tone of the poem. The last stanza is my least favorite, as I said before, and that's because it kind of breaks character in its feel or tone that it gives off in the first two.

You can say the same things and get across the same message in your last stanza, but I want you to change the /way/ that you say it. Sensory details would definitely be beneficial with immersing the reader better into the poem. It's details of the senses, so use that to your advantage. I hope I helped and have a great day! Keep writing and experimenting.




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Thu Dec 08, 2016 7:47 am
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Burrow wrote a review...



That was a good poem and I am not just saying that, me personally really enjoyed it, I loved how you ended the stanzas and I loved the bit with the has-beens and so on, that went really well together and I liked it alot. and the last stanza was really good, great last line, and just read out nicely. I always see poems like this and it always makes me want to start writing poems again. This poem had a nice story an you can slightly imagine the background which is good. Good poem mate.

Burrow





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