In my many years, I've seen
84 winters come and go,
yet every year I'm still dazzled
by my want, my need, for magnificence.
~
Tiny pinpricks of white light
penetrate through the thick darkness
to illuminate homes, towns, cities,
the world a brightly glowing orb of light.
~
Crisp tendrils of wind softly
extend through space to caress me,
to love me, to hold me, to kill me,
to seduce me with their deadly embrace.
~
I am rescued by the scent,
the exotic aroma of
cinnamon, nutmeg and sweet gingerbread
wafting towards me from across the room.
~
I am secure in my home,
curled up by the built-up fireplace,
hot cocoa in one hand, a book
in t'other and vinyl in the background.
~
In my many years, I've seen
84 winters come and go,
yet every year I'm dazzled
by my want, my need, for magnificence.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
Dear Kazeybear,
Eccentric Rose is here to review your poem!
I am gonna start off by saying my opinion is a bit different then everyone else's. So I guess that might make me the odd man out! I respect everyone else's review though...but I personally liked the number 84. I thought it was interesting how you incorporated the age of the person you are writing about in a creative way. Instead of taking away from the Christmas/seasonal aspect, it strengthened it. Who would know more about winter and Christmas then an 84 year old person? (If that is in fact what your intention was in the poem...was to have the point of view of an elderly person.)
I am a picky person when it comes to Christmas music, movies...etc...It doesn't mean that I don't love Christmas, but the hustle and bustle of it all can cause my introverted self to go crazy. I really enjoyed the uniqueness of the poem. I've seen so many poems about winter (I've even tried making one myself once) but I believe the "84 winters" has given it a new perspective.
I loved "I am secure in my home." It emphasizes how the weather might be a bit cold because if there was no danger, then she/he wouldn't necessarily have to be cuddled in a 'secure' place.This is just a suggestion but if you ever do re-edit...mentioning the cold that goes to the person's bones would be nice. Then when you speak of the blanket and warm house, it will make it seem even cozier! (Just as hot chocolate always tastes better after being out in the cold! I'm Canadian...so this part truly is speaking from experience. lol)
Anyway, great work...and keep it up!
~Rose
Hey
- Tiana
I like this poem, it does create beautiful imagery of what a white Christmas should be. But like the previous reviews have outlined, the 84 years bit is just skimmed in the poem, it's not the central focus, therefore I do think you should consider reevaluating the title, as when we see the title we assume the poem will be based around 84 years of life, but it's not, it's emphasising the beauty of winter.
Just be careful with the way you've listed things. To me, how you listed " the exotic aroma of
cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger and cloves ", that kinda was a tad cringe for me as it reminds me of a shopping list. Perhaps next time stick to 1 or 2 spices and not list your mother's whole cabinet of spices. XD
Other than that, you did it beautifully and I particularly like the line
" Crisp tendrils of wind softly
extend through space to caress me,
to love me, to hold me, to kill me,
to seduce me with their deadly embrace."
^ It really speaks to me for some reason.
Anywhoo! Thanks for writing this
Hellooo
I'm having trouble knowing how to interoperate this poem, so I'll break it down a bit and try my best to be clear and honest with you.
84 writers/84 years. This confuses me quite a bit, because after this stanza -with the exception of the last one- it doesn't relate to the rest of the poem. It's drawn me to believe that either you like the number, thought it sounded catchy, or are planning to continue this in the future. It just seems out of place once I read the latter stanzas.
The second stanza was good. I loved the imagery, it reminds me of Christmas lights around this time of year, how even when the sun goes down, the lights illuminate the homes and such. (Regardless of whether that was the intention, I liked that. It gave me a relation; a feeling towards the poem.)
I'm guessing that you intended this to be misleading, and it was. It worked. But I don't get it. And I'm scanning the other stanzas trying to find a relation, but once again: what does this have to do with the rest of the poem?
The very last stanza is disappointing. I had to look again to make sure this wasn't a song or anything, like if you were to just repeat a chorus. It isn't as profound as I would have expected, maybe switch it up a bit?
In the end, I think the main thing you should work on is being a bit more specific, especially with the third stanza, and try to get the poem to flow well as a whole.
Hope this helped!
-amelie
It says 84 winters. Does that change anything? There are a lot of loose-r associations but I kind of like that really.
Hey there
So I'm going to start by saying I liked the subject matter of the poem. It's seasonal, incredibly relate able and well worded. I enjoyed your use of imagery, it was as if I could see myself sitting all comfy in a chair with snow outside and fireplace in front of me. I Like the whole, wrapping up the poem with the wait it started thing. I'm not usually a fan of that as I tend to find it cliche but it worked here. I've read this a couple times just to make sure I'm not missing anything. I honestly think you should cut out the whole 84 years part? I'm not sure if maybe that has significance to you as the author but as the reader, it didn't seem to play a role in the poem. If it had just said that In all of your years you'd seen a number of winters come and go, it places no importance on the number 84 and instead allows you to focus more on the over-arching seasonal theme of the poem. However with the title and the specificity of the 84 it makes the reader wonder why it's significant, detracting just a little. I'd also suggest maybe seeing how it looks in a two line stanza format vs a 4 line. While reading it, pretending it was 2 line it seemed to flow a lot better than the 4 line but that could just be me.
In all, great piece, great imagery and fantastic use of language. Keep it up