I draw with silver
but it turns to red,
slowly fading into
pale, beautiful white.
~
I love agony,
the sweet embrace
of death, exhilaration
consuming me fully.
~
Smile- light up a room.
Laugh- bring joy to all.
Nostalgia- wistfully
return to past lives.
~
I was the boy that
laughs and smiles free.
I am the boy that
cries and cuts and...
Pain.
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125,010 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Hi!
This is indeed a beautiful and articulate work. I hope you don't get suicidal thoughts (and if you do, please make sure it stays on the paper). The utter simplicity and elegant way to portray the numbness of a boy or rather his will to hurt himself is what makes this poetically aesthetic.
The choice of words is beautifully done to set up the melancholic mood of the poem. In the last paragraph
I was the boy that
laughs and smiles free.
The free seemed off to me, breaking the rhythm of otherwise rhythmic, though not rhyming lines. Freely would have been better (It is completely your choice if you want to take my opinion or not). Also, a little more explanation would display a stronger emotion than just "Pain."
Find the right words. I really loved this poem. I usually like reading these kind of stuff and try to write from perspective of a person with some troubles. Hope it wasn't too harsh review. Keep writing!
This..Was amazing, but i do have a few questions. For starters, why did you write this? Is It about you or someone else? Also, at the end.."I am the boy that cries and cuts and...Pain" that seems off to me. I understand what you mean, but why did you format it like this? Another thing: If you want someone to talk to, I know what a razor feels like.
In any case, I really enjoyed this, but I really feel like you should talk to someone if you haven't already.
Overall, amazing! Congrats for being the first person I've rated 10/10!
Keep on writing,
Tryston
Thanks. This was me writing from my past, and, as I stated below, as a different perspective to myself now. I used to cut, but I'm past that point in my life.
In terms of the last few lines, I formatted it like that so it seems like pain is the overbearing thing in the life of "I". Its all he can feel.
Thanks again!
~Kazey
hey hey
How are you? Like seriously, how are you? (if you ever want to talk I am here)
Now to the poem: BRAVO!
"I draw with silver
but it turns to red," is a scary, but poetically beautiful way to write. The verse is indirect but not vague, and it doesn`t take a genius to figure out what you mean.
"Smile- light up a room.
Laugh- bring joy to all.
Nostalgia- wistfully
return to past lives." Are these commands? As in, remember to smile, remember to laugh, as in the writer doesn´t know the actual meaning so he/she adds a dictionary definition?
"I was the boy that
laughs and smiles free." "Was" is in a different tense then "laughs" and "smiles". Maybe that was intentional? But why? What did you want to convey with that?
Overall thoughts: Short but strong. (Scary strong) I really did enjoy the poem and the simplicity of it.
Love,
Lau.
Thanks! I am fine, honestly. I often write from a completely different perspective to myself. It's a way to.... escape.
I didn't notice the change in tense actually, but I kind of like it...
Anyway, thanks again!
~Kazey
No problem! I liked reading it. Just a little concerned, yknow, have to be safe..