Everyone is sad
But I don't really see why
Just because I'm gone
Doesn't mean they need to cry
The world is a better place
With me no longer here
I never really did to much
So wipe away those tears
All I really wanted
Every day since this began
Was for me to overcome it
But I never though "I can"
It killed me from the inside out
I guess I'm not so strong
I just wanted it to go away
Why is that so wrong?
I know longer felt the need
To try to win this fight
My demons, they were winning
But I don't think that was right
It's too late now
I'm gone forever
I can't come back
Not now, not ever
I know it's not to good
That the war inside me won
But I can't control the pain
It weighed me down a ton
I thought I could get help
That's what I really needed to do
But as it turns out
No one could help me, not even you
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey, KayKayKoala! It's me again! ^.^
Perhaps describing what the demons felt/looked like (if she had somehow seen them). They could be swirling, dark souls or maybe eerie things that haunted her mind. But this is probably a great place to insert imagery. And this place she's in, what's in like? Dark and gloomy, with shadows everywhere? Our souls begging for freedom?I have sympathy towards this person, and that is great! That's what you want a poem to do, to make you feel emtional. It was simple, yet made you think at the same time, y'know?
I have some tips for you, however!
#1 : As thewriter13 said, more imagery would be nice. For example:
#2 : Maybe breaking this up into two or three stanzas would keep it more organized. I mean, if the poem's any longer, I would definitely suggest this, because instead it would be a big clump. But since it's semi-short semi-long (medium, I guess) two stanzas couldn't hurt.
#3 : Lack of punctuation. This was like your other poem, and I'm really not sure if you're doing it on purpose (your style, perhaps?) or you just don't know. Anyways, a few periods and commas don't hurt.
#4 : Last thing! There were quite a few "but"s. I mean, feel free to keep the one's infront of "I never thought "I can"" but some other lines have but in front of them, and usually in a poem you don't start a line with conjunctions.
Besides those four things, I thought this poem was pretty good! Great job, Kay, keep writing, and I hope this proves helpful! ^.^
WillowPaw1~
Thank You so much!
And with the stanzas, it was split in about 8 with four lines in each stanzas, but I every time I put it in here it kept going back to this format, and it was really irritating haha
Anyway, thank you so much!
<3
Hmm, yeah, that happens to me too. What I just do is put a period or asterisk in between each one. And you're welcome!
Thewriter13 here for a review!
This poem was good, the feeling was captured, but I believe there could be more description and imagery in this poem.
One nitpick I found was this line: "I know longer felt the need" I think you meant "no longer"
Very smooth rhythm, it was consistent throughout the entire poem (thumbs up) but it seemed too flat...you could add so much more to this poem...metaphors, imagery, etc. These things could easily convey what the speaker in this poem is feeling. Poetry is all about feeling, really. This is a wonderful start to this poem. I know you were trying to rhyme and keep the rhythm consistent, but if you could possibly try adding more descriptions. And fix those typos
For example: "But I can't control the pain
It weighed me down a ton" This is a good example of imagery...I could imagine how heavy the pain was, and why you couldn't control. If you could add imagery like this throughout the rest of the story, then I could really feel the pain of the speaker and the pain of this whole experience the poem is talking about.
I love this poem and if you ever revise it, please let me know.
You don't have to change anything if you don't want to.
It's really a good poem
Keep writing!
Thank You so much!
Of course.
Would you mind checking out my poem "Answers"?
Sure c:
Hey KayKayKoala! IamTraunt here to review!
Welcome to YWS! I hope you enjoy your time here! ^^
As soon as I read this I felt a deep sorrow. This is really heart wrenching, Kay, but very beautiful.
Nitpicks!
This should be 'too'.
~
This should be 'thought'. Also, this is a very powerful sentence - it reflects some human lives as we've all thought this at one point, that we can't do a certain thing.
~
Again, this should be 'too'.
~
So, I can deeply sympathize with the person who feels this way in the poem. It's good to really put that needed feeling in any piece of work as it has an effect on the reader, which it most certainly did with me.
You really emphasize this feeling of worthlessness through out the whole of your poem, even effectively using enjambment to show the on going pain, suffering and feelings of unimportance.
Additionally, you use the rhyme scheme to highlight how the person portrayed in this poem was trapped in this world of uselessness (by the forced rhyme) and that you couldn't get out as you say:
Tip:
What I think would make this poem strike as really powerful would be to place a full stop on the end of the sentence to show the end of the person's life to show how the stress and the pain got to him/her and how they had to end their life to stop this hurt inside.
Lovely piece of work! Well done.
Keep on writing!
Thank you so much for your input/advice!
Would you mind maybe explaining more what you mean about the tip you left though? It sounds great, and like I could do it, yet I am a little confused on the actual thing I would need to do.
Thanks again!
Your very welcome!
As I can see you don't use any through out, so I thought to show an end (to life) just to put a full stop here:
All I was suggesting was to put a full stop on the last line of the poem. If that's what you mean
Ohh!
Thank You!
No problem