z

Young Writers Society


12+

Experiment 016

by LemisaLeaZeor


It was my fault! It was my fault?

All that had mostly happened was because of my own selfish actions, so that must mean it was my fault. 

Clumps of blonde hair swirled around me reaching the cell floor. I had to calm down. Breathe. The illusions wore off on me hours ago. This cell, my prison had appeared as a pretty decent room, but my insanity took the better of it tearing the threads of the glamour into shreds and our reality revealed itself before me. 

Arms and ankles chained to stone walls forced me to listen to Marina' s screams as she too learnt the ugly truth. I too had been branded. Who else was held in the cell equidistant to me as I was to her? Was there an 017? 018? I should've known; I brought them here, but I was just as clueless on this subject as all the other unfortunate souls. 

Cell doors rattling in their hinges. Marina' s cries were just the beginning of insanity. I would know. Tears stung my eyes, though I shook them away. 

Chains followed my footsteps as I lead my way to the wall opposite, where a pipe hung loose from a crack. I placed a broken nail, a bruised knuckle against the frozen metal. A short strand of blonde hair tucked behind a red ear attached itself to the pipe. Grey eyes closed, dark lashes brushing against the fresh winter frost. 

Tap, tap.... 

How had the song gone again? Tap, tap, TAP, tap...

A rush of warmth ran thorough my spine as I remembered a time so peaceful. She sat in the music room, Isabella tapping chords on the grand piano, in her own world. A single salty tear trickled across my rosy cheek. Whenever she played the piano it was always so haunting. A lullaby. Isabella had told me when she became scared she would sing loudly, whether it was in tune or not it didn't matter, in light that whoever listened would join in.

Only vaguely could I remember the lyrics. 

"Inside you....burning....extinguish...." tap, tap, tap. Foreign words: meaning unknown. But it was something mysterious. Tap, tap, TAP, tap. 

I sank to the ground an imprint of the stone wall decorating my left cheek. A final cry from Marina greated by the holy silence. Insanity. My fault- it is my fault! I'm a monster: me and my mechanical heart, Experiment 016! 

How did the last one go; the only one I could remember? I shouldn't have trusted the Government! I brought them here, the Commons. Me! Bring them here!  

What was the line? The line? The line?! 

My pacing heart slowed , stormy eyes tearing open. 

Ah, I remember.

Tap.

A malicious grin formed across my dark face, "this is the moment for war..."

AN: What do you think? Do you likey? I noticed how near the end the paragraphs decrease in size. I'll just pretend I did that on purpose to show how the character becomes more and more insane and as a result blood thirsty. It's, in a way, the sequel to Experiment 015, so it may help to read that one first before this. Thanks for reading! ^^


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240 Reviews


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Sun Sep 28, 2014 6:28 pm
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AdmiralKat wrote a review...



Hello! KatyaElefant for her first(maybe even last because I'm lazy like that...) review of the day. Happy Review Day! :D I hope it's great! Anyways, let's see what we have right here..

So I noticed that you said that you don't proofread your work, that's a bad thing to happen. I'm amazed with the quality but you always want to read through it a second time to make sure you didn't miss anything or if anything is confusing. I would also like to see in a future work on what happens to them when they become insane. Do they start to run everywhere and scream? Do the scientists have to end up killing them? Where do these experiments come from? The story that comes next could totally explain that. :D

This story has really nice imagery, I could really see that the person was slowly becoming insane. I love the effect of the sentences shortening and having less thought process showing the tone of the character. You are an amazing writer with the great story. I just love it. I would never in a billion years be able to write something as effective as this. The paragraphs are really nicely structured, nothing is too long or too short. Your grammar and spelling is amazing. Just overall, great job! I really loved this piece, you need to write more! Have a nice Review Day! Keep calm and keep writing!

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Thank you, thank you, thanks you a lot. I know I should really proof read, but you liked it either way which awesome. Dancing Voldy!! :)



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Fri Sep 26, 2014 3:38 pm
Basil wrote a review...



Hello LemisaLeaZeor!! I'm here to review! It's been a while, so I may be a little rust, sorry ^//^

I'll start with the praise :3
This is well written, and you hve described the scenes well. I think the word insanity lured me in tehe >:3 Though a few things confused me (but I think that's because I haven't read the earlier work) I enjoyed reading it ... and I really like the tapping *blushes* I'm not sure why, but it really works!! I'd love to see more of this story!! :)

And now for the editting part ^^
"Clumps of blonde hair swirled around me reaching cell floor" ... hmm ... I think there is supposed to be a "the" between "reaching" and "floor".
" ... down- breathe" could be written as down. Breathe; down - breathe; or down and breathe. Just a suggestion though :)
"Cell doors rattling in their hinges." Erm ... this doesn't really work. Don't worry, I've done it before though! And I'm not too sure what this is called haha! XD However, a good suggestion is "Cell doors were rattling on their hinges."
"though I shook the away." Just a spelling error ^^ "The" should be "them".
"A single salty tear trickled across her rosy cheek." Umm ... who is she exactly? It could just be me, but maybe change the "she" to the name of the character.
" ... slowed , stormy ..." the comma shouldn't be between the two words: "slowed, stormy"

Keep writing!! You're very talented ^^

Basil






I don't proof read my work. And the salty tear part I didn't make it clear that the narrator, Experiment 016 is the one crying. I do this thing where I randomly change who I'm talking about- if you get what i mean?





Oh, and thanks for the review. I've edited the parts you've noted!! And you called me TALENTED.....you make me blush!! THANK YOU!!



BasiltheCat says...


I get what you mean, and hey, that's your style of writing!! It's awesome!
Hey no problem!! Happy to know I helped and made you smile :)





:) :) :)



BasiltheCat says...


:3



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Wed Sep 24, 2014 11:06 am
Dracula says...



It's night time so I have no time to review (I'm sorry because I'd love to) but I really really like it!






Thanks!! Don't worry about the review!! You commented which is just as great as reviews make me panic too much!! :)




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