Chapter 1
Moonlight glinted cruelly off the edge of the blade. Held at ready, the knife was a weapon that had spilled blood before, and would do so again. Soon. Concrete thudded under the man's boots. His knuckles were bloodless and white from the strength with which he gripped the knife. His life-line.
"Where is he?" the man hissed.
A flash of lightening illuminated the alley.
Nothing.
Lurking behind the crates at the other end of the alley, a man in black held his darkened blade lightly. His mouth was closed in a grim line, muscles tense and ready for battle, as he waited.
Waited for his opponent to come nearer.
Thunder rolled in the distance. The storm would be there soon.
"Raphael!" The name echoed in the deadly silence, rebounding of the opposing brick walls and sending a ghostly sound into the night air.
Raphael shook his head. "Fool," he whispered, barely moving his lips. "Do you want us caught?"
He made a mental check of his weapons; a dagger, a sword hanging across his back, and a .22 revolver; and stepped out of the shadows.
"I am here Willard."
Willard pivoted toward the sound. Raphael was all but invisible.
"You came," Willard mocked.
"I rarely break a promise."
Willard laughed mirthlessly, "rarely?"
Raphael tightened his grip almost imperceptibly. "Enough. Let's finish this."
With a flash of metal, Willard attacked Raphael. Raphael quickly, and easily, countered.
Willard stayed his hand a moment. "You fight well."
"I should. I've killed enough people."
"And you think you're so much better than the rest of us."
"At least I don't smuggle children!" Raphael punctuated his last word with a swift blow toward Willard's head. Willard ducked and retaliated with a strike to Raphael's arm. Raphael flipped his sword around to block it and winced at the ringing sound of steel on steel. He backed up.
Willard laughed. "Come on, is that the best you can do? It seems everything I've heard about you was an exaggeration."
Raphael half-smiled. Willard started circling, his eyes fixed on Raphael. Raphael stood perfectly still, only his eyes moving to follow his enemy's movements. Contrary to his relaxed posture, and the loose way he held his dagger, he was prepared to move swiftly and with deadly accuracy. He remained still when Willard passed beyond the boundaries of his sight.
Seconds passed. Neither moved.
Suddenly, Raphael dropped to the concrete and spun, his dagger finding its mark on Willard's unprotected legs. At the same time, Willard's knife slashed the air above Raphael's head and rain began pouring down.
Willard fell to his knees, blood streaming from the cut across his thighs. With a grunt, he barreled into Raphael's legs. Raphael fell over Willard's back, loosing some of his ankle flesh to his knife. He rolled to his feet and spun to face Willard.
"This is easy," Raphael muttered.
A blast of thunder seemed to answer, along with a fresh downpour of rain. It was all they could hear, pounding on the concrete. Visibility was zero.
Willard leaped for where he knew Raphael was. The impact sent Raphael's dagger flying.
"Stupid!" He lunged for his blade, hitting the concrete with a smack and skidded across it. He felt for it and finally touched the blade with his fingers, slicing open the fingertips, but he ignored the pain and fought to take hold of his weapon. Willard dug his feet into the concrete and dove for Raphael, crashing into him head on, and landing on top of him. His arms were pinned beneath him, his dagger out of his reach.Willard raised the knife.
"All right, so it's not!" Raphael whispered, barely able to breath with the crushing weight of Willard on his stomach.
Lightening cracked, hitting a nearby gas station full force. The brilliant light blinded Willard for a second, a split second of hesitation. Raphael gathered all his strength and twisted to his side. Willard's dagger plunged into his shoulder and ripped out again as Willard fell onto his back. Raphael rolled to his feet and ripped the sword from it's scabbard, wheeling to attack Willard. Willard leaped over the sword aimed to cripple him and lunged for Raphael's throat. His knife threw aside the protecting blade of Raphael's sword.
"I don't think so!" Raphael muttered fiercely. He jerked back fast, but almost not fast enough. The edge of the blade brushed his throat. The attack unbalanced Willard for just long enough. Raphael used his sword hand and shoved him into the empty crates. The plastic crates fell over backwards, taking Willard with them. He dropped his knife as he fell, and Raphael kicked it out of his reach. He stepped backwards and crouched, his sword point down on the ground so he could rise quickly. His blood had mixed with sweat and water until it was impossible to tell the difference. He could have attacked Willard, but his short, uneven breaths warned him that a brief respite would be better. Willard seemed to know that, and didn't move for a second, drawing in deep, sweet breaths of the night air. The rain was beginning to let up.
But the lull couldn't last long. Willard stirred, and Raphael stood, gripping his sword tighter in preparation for the next storm. Willard struggled to stand, but the crates moved every time he put even a modicum of his 160 pounds on them, making him fall flat on the ground again. Raphael almost laughed at the pitiful sight. If Willard had just used his legs instead of the crates, he would have met with better success. The wound Raphael had given him made it painful to do that, though. When Willard was on his feet, he reached his hand behind him with a grimace and drew a broadsword from a scabbard similar to the one that Raphael had. Raphael grimaced; a broadsword was much heavier, and so, stronger, than his medieval style sword. The two swords clashed, and Raphael's rebounded, narrowly missing his head. He grunted; he had obviously underestimated Willard's strength. Willard seemed to be thinking the same thing about him. He waited a second before he attacked again.
"Are you finished?" Raphael asked, with a slightly mocking tone. He was good. Willard couldn't even tell that he was breathing hard.
"I came here to kill you," Willard growled, approaching again with his sword raised. "And I intend to do it."
"Why?"
This brought Willard up short. "What?"
"Why did you become a Believer?"
"Because I learned the truth. There is so much more to this world than what we can see and touch."
Raphael's voice was tight as he answered. "You learned that the wrong way."
"You don't have to fight us Raphael."
Raphael laughed harshly, "That's where you're wrong. I mean, if I didn't fight you, what would I do to pass the time?" The thick sarcasm in his voice did not escape Willard's attention, but he ignored it.
"You could join us."
The rain veiled Raphael's movements as he tightened his grip and clenched his jaw.
"Not in a million years."
"Well, how about now?"
"Maybe I didn't make myself clear." Raphael said, his voice trembling with suppressed rage. "The answer is no."
"The Prince of Power could really use some-one like you."
"No!" Raphael roared, and charged Willard, his sword flashing.
Willard returned blow-for-blow.
In a few seconds, it was over.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Wow that was amazing. The only thing I must say to you about it is that The time era seems a bit confusing. Other than that I can't wait to see what happens. The description was wonderful. Love it!
~ A.J
Hello! Part one of Chapter two is available at this link if you are interested.
topic55776.html
Description of the characters will come later. Up 'till now it is kind of a secret.
I must say, the rich words in this piece make me ask so many questions. There are many vibrant details in here, and I can watch this scene play out as I read. These are some of my favorite stories. I think that you are very talented in writing, and I think you should keep writing.
There were not many flaws that I caught. The one thing that I'd like to see is more description of the characters. What did they look like?
Very nice work, though. Keep writing.
Your story line which was wat attracted me in d first place is beautiful i love it
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"I came here to kill you," Willard growled, approaching again with his sword raised. "And I intend to do it."
"Why?"
This brought Willard up short. "What?"
"Why did you become a Believer?"
"Because I learned the truth. There is so much more to this world than what we can see and touch."
Raphael's voice was tight as he answered. "You learned that the wrong way."
"You don't have to fight us Raphael."
Raphael laughed harshly, "That's where you're wrong. I mean, if I didn't fight you, what would I do to pass the time?" The thick sarcasm in his voice did not escape Willard's attention, but he ignored it.
"You could join us."
The rain veiled Raphael's movements as he tightened his grip and clenched his jaw.
"Not in a million years."
"Well, how about now?"
"Maybe I didn't make myself clear." Raphael said, his voice trembling with suppressed rage. "The answer is no."
"The Prince of Power could really use some-one like you."
"No!" Raphael roared, and charged Willard, his sword flashing.
Willard returned blow-for-blow.
In a few seconds, it was over."
But from where the quote start Willard is raising his sword and is approaching Rapheal b4 the conversation issued in which is kind of long for a person to raise is sword and be approaching. Next time try to describe some action during long discussion wen necessary not just facial expression. Apart from dat u did fine kip it up
#FF0000 ">Note from Writersdomain: Hey EL FINITO, please don't use chatspeak in the forums. If you have any questions, please PM me
Thank you everyone for taking the time to review my story. I will definitely try to work on everything you mentioned.
Just to clarify, Asxz, this is why Raphael did not use the Revolver:
Even in the rain, a gunshot would carry for several miles, and the police don't usually like people shooting each other! The gun was only as a last resort.
Thank you all again.
ChristsServant
P really like this, you had fantastic description that even I could never dream of! Although, between you and me, I don't think my escription is too good...
But yes, keep it up. Great work, ka pai, Bravo!
Only one small thing that I think you could work on... he hada .22 revolover, and he CHOSE THE SWORD?
What kind of a nutter would chose to put their body ont he line when you could just
POW!!
Dead.
End. of. story.
Not saying that I didn't like your story, anyways. Good description, vivid images, clear movements - i could picture the whole thing in my head.
Brilliant.
This is awesome! Really, I love it! I can’t wait to read more and see where you’re going to go with this. Your writing is beautiful; I wish I could write with such confidence. Each of your paragraphs just flowed perfectly. Pm me the next chapter, best of luck!
*coco
Very interesting. Can't wait to see where this goes.
The descriptions were very good and I could picture it very well. I hope you do write more. I am someone who likes some background, as to what is going on at the start of something. However this was so good I don’t think I need to say add more background. Very well written.
All the best.
My god, I definitely want to know how this story continues and (unfolds)!
You put just the right amount of description (in my humble opinion) and you combined it with the intense action. I almost felt like if I was watching this scene right in front of me.
In the negative aspect… I think you could work out a bit more your sentences, and not much more. I really liked the ending: “In a few seconds, it was over.” Gosh, whosoever reads this just wants to know MORE! (at least I do).
Keep writing and improving!
The description in this story is very good-- it's vivid and strong and I can imagine the scene unfolding in my mind's eye. The tension and suspense are good, just like the fight details. I love this first chapter, because it leaves a lot of questions hanging: who died? what were they fighting over? who was the bad guy? Personally, I like Raphael a lot better than Willard in this first chapter, but I guess that remains to be seen. Of course, Raphael is against child smuggling and Willard does smuggle children (I'm assuming), so thats about a hundred extra points in Raphael's favor.
You really don't have much to work on, not that I can tell. Maybe make some of your sentences less choppy, but for the most part that seems to be done on purpose and works with your story. Some of the talking, especially while they are fighting, seems a little excessive, though not that much of a problem. Maybe it's just because I did a lot of fighting, and for me it doesn't fit: when you fight you don't want to speak because it's a waste of breath and can distract you when you most need your attention.
Other than that, there isn't much to say. You're last sentence was just great, a perfect ending, and i look forward to reading the next chapter of this