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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi there I've read your work and it is very impressive but it lacked something but I can't wrap my mind around it. "The first time you looked at me in the hallway, I thought nothing of it. You were like everybody else, one face floating in a crowd of hundreds.
The second time you looked at me in the hallway, I felt the foreign urge to know whether or not your eyes creased when you smiled.
The third time you looked at me in the hallway, I realised I wanted to know you, and I wondered if you wanted to know me too."
These three paras they create a kind of misery in which it makes the reader read more. Then these three paras come along
"The first time I looked at you in the hallway, you looked away, but not fast enough that I didn’t notice a pink flush flood your cheeks.
The second time I looked at you in the hallway, the light caught the deep brown of your eyes as you looked at me too.
The third time I looked at you in the hallway, you smiled, and the lines around your eyes creased."
And I got kinda lost because I had a doubt if it was the same person or the other one. If you meant the same person I have to say repeating 'first' 'second' and 'third' just took away the emotions and mystery that wrapped the first three para. If it was the second person then I'm totally confused.
"Yesterday, I said hello to you, and the sound of your voice radiated around the room.
Today, we walked down the hallway together.
Tomorrow, I hope I know how it feels to have your hand interlocked with mine.
I hope you do, too."
These four lines surprised me and they contained lot of hidden emotions but what you should always focus on is what a normal person would understand, what a normal reader would want. It was a wonderful piece of work and keep it up.
Great writing. Keep it up. An air of love can be smelt.
. Anyways keep it up. God bless you!!!
But the story is too short. I felt that it could have been little more. Specially if the topic is dealing with 'Teenage love'. I like everything about the story but was little dissapointed in it's length.Also the words used could have been more romantic.
But i know next time your writing would consist more more romantic and more enthusiastic terms. Everything you explained was about feelings but i wished to explore more. anyways writings are all about what you feel inside. And whatever you felt inside was really romantic and i guess i have fallen for your thought
Blue here to give a review!
I'd like to start by pointing out the cute romance in this short story. I think it's sweet and definitely plays along with the rest of the plot. This is a creative idea. In fact, it almost reminds me of a poem, the way it repeats like that (though, many poems do not have repetition). That being said, I think it's a good way to carry on the story and transform the characters at the end.
The way you ended this story was quite interesting, to tell the truth. I noticed that throughout the story (besides the last part) that you wrote about the past, and what happened before. When you came to the end of this story, you moved to present, then future. That also explains how well you transform the work so that they're not stuck in the past, which gives the reader their own idea of what may happen in the future of these two characters. Wise, smart choice.
The first section of the story, you mentioned that the character wanted to know whether the lines around their eyes creased when they smiled. In the second section, the character found out that their eyes do crease when they smile. I saw that both of those were on different days, but wouldn't it make sense for them to both be on the same day, perhaps the second? Then, their lines would be changed like so.
This can be kept the same.
Change "third" to "second". The character wonders that on the same day, correct?
I also have one main suggestion. I am wondering what hallway they're in? A school? An art gallery? A museum? Be more specific. I think the style of writing in this short doesn't require so much detail to block the actual plot, but that doesn't mean there shouldn't be any details or description. I want to know where they are, the colors, the scenery. Not too much, but give me some clue. I do love how you wrote about the character's eye color.
The ending really has the true romance to me. The girl hopes to know how it feels to hold hands together, which I think is really sweet. She's secretly waiting for the future to come so they can walk together again. I love how you do show the progress in their friendship/love with each other.
As my final summary, I thought this was really sweet and cute. I like a good short story with special qualities that make it different overall. You have a very interesting way of writing, and I admire this short story because of that.
This work was one of a kind. Good job.
~Blue
Hi! Here with a review! First of all, I wanted to say that just the tittle caught my attention and I really enjoyed reading your short story. I really like the repetition used and I can really imagine this happen. I also liked the phrase "one face floating in a crowd of hundreds". I also enjoyed the fact that you're sort of taking us with them on their journey of them becoming a couple. It was very descriptive and I could imagine the scenario.