Behold!
There is a battle going on since ages!
History books do not have a record of this.
It isn't a battle between gods and demons,
It isn't a battle between kings and queens,
It isn't a battle between tribes and nations.
It is a battle of good over evil,
The war of justice over injustice,
The struggle for peace, for rest,
And a fight for freedom from poverty, hunger and disease.
The battle doesn't seem to come to an end.
Question yourself
What am I going to do to end this battle?
The moment you find the answer, life will look more beautiful!
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140,624 Literary Works • 673,566 Reviews
Hi there! First off, a warm welcome to YWS! I hope you're enjoying the site so far.
I'll just leave a quick review for you:
Theme
I really like the topic you chose - I've written a couple of poems about war and battles and really like the juxtaposition to beauty. I think that it's interesting that throughout the poem you sort of start from a far away position (Behold, a battle is going on) then you get closer (cause of the battle) and then finally you address the reader (question yourself, what are you going to do). It's sort of a unique format, that I think worked here.
Your final line did not have as much "punch" as I was hoping it to have. You don't give us the answer, and you don't give hope but sort of leave a "wishy washy" assignment that's not saying much. "find the answer, life will look more beautiful". Also who cares what life "looks" like - if there's still poverty, disease etc. I think that the positive position at the end is appropriate, but your final line did not get there for me.
Word Choice
I have some critiques for your word choice - that I think could bring your poetry to the next level.
In poetry you have so few words that it's incredibly important to maximize each one. And if a word or phrase doesn't bring the reader new information or insight or assist in the overall flow it should be eliminated. For instance in your second line you say "There is a battle going on since the ages" what do we learn here? There's a battle and it's long. Okay now how can we say that more lyrically - "since the ages" is on the right track - but there is no reason to have "there is" and "going on" these are very passive and too casual for a poem that starts with the formal, olde-english command "Behold!". You could have the line be as short as "A battle unending" or "the battle lingers since the ages".
You might consider some of the contrasts critically too. Why are you using "gods/demons" and then "kings/queens"? Are you saying that queens are demons? and then later you say that this is a battle about "good over evil" so why does your first claim about it not being about "gods/demons" stand? I'm not following your logic here. Try to make the contrasts tell a story or mean something rather than serving as fillers for contrasting parties.
A critique you'll hear on YWS a lot is showing rather than telling. I think your poem could use some of this. Basically we don't want to tell the reader "this happened" just go ahead and say "George opened his mouth taking a large bite of the orange" rather than "There was an orange that George ate". If you can describe something with visual or action so the reader is "in" the poem in the action and can see it play out - it is generally preferable.
To that end, your poem lacks imagery and metaphor - generally two good things to incorporate into poems to give it a fuller meaning and experience for the reader.
Punctuation and Conventions
Punctuation is where I believe your poem excelled. Particularly in the line "Question yourself" the only line to not end in a punctuation mark - really catching.
I don't think you used "since ages" gramatically correct - but that was about the only convention besides missing an oxford comma in the 5th to last line (personal preference there though).
Good work,
~alliyah
Thanks a ton, alliyah, for the useful review! I'll mark your words!
You're very welcome!
Hey, dankmemelord here!
Sorry for the short review.
I love this so poem so much! The way you describe the battle is absolutely amazing. I really have no corrections for you. I also like that you used punctuation. I see in a lot of poetry that there is a lack of punctuation. My favorite lines were "Question yourself What am I going to do to end this battle? The moment you find the answer, life will look more beautiful! "
Overall, I loved this. I can't wait to read and review more of your work!
- dankmemelord
Thanks a lot, darkmemelord. Your words mean a lot to me.
Hellooo
I love the way you worded it in the sense that i can really understand whats going on in the poem. It's very realistic and descriptive, showing things that would need to be helped in the world. I don't see any errors or typos and its overall a very well written poem. I especially liked the emphasis portrayed by the punctuation. Contrasting good and evil in a whole using peace compared o freedom from poverty. It really describes a war and is very visual. Good job , hope to see more of the stuff you put out :3
Thanks for the review, DarkPrizm!