this is for Cal's character contest.
here's the link: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic33572.html
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#2 Word: 038: Sneakers
Picture: 18
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I banged my head down onto my desk. I was sick of the constricting business suits I practically slept in. I longed for the days filled with pink high top sneakers and butterfly wings. Days filled with bright colors, home-cooked meals, more human contact than just asking for a mocha expresso, or getting my messages. Days with soft sunlight and gentle breezes.
I remember the first day I put the wings on. They had been my older sister’s Halloween costume years before, and she gave them to me before she went off to college. When she left, right after Dad had. Once my mom left to drive her to her dorm, I hooked the straps over my shoulders and tried them on.
I didn’t take them off for an entire week.
I would run around that trailer park like nobody’s business. I would pretend I was flying away to make-believe places. Places that existed just for me, so that I wouldn’t go crazy.
Those pink high top sneakers and butterfly wings were my sanctuary. They morphed that old trailer park into a world of fantasy. A world where my dad hadn’t died, and where my mom didn't cry all the time.
“Jenna! It’s the phone for you,” my secretary said, popping her head into my office. She mouthed the words “It’s Mr. Garnet.”
I snapped back to reality, and became the office woman again. The one that could always take care of business and didn’t have time for such frivolities as nostalgia. This was a big case, and they needed me focused.
However, when I went home to my apartment that night, I dug through some old boxes in my closet. Past the boxes that actually had time to collect dust on the top, was a creased cardboard box, in which I found a folded pair of butterfly wings. There was also a small dirt stained pair of pink high tops sitting next to them. They weren’t as brightly colored as I remembered them, but they must have faded over time.
I didn’t take them out of the box. I just looked at them for a minute, feeling that same comfort I had clung to as a child. The same comfort I needed reminding of much too often.
And then I closed the box and shoved it in the back of my closet before going to microwave my Lean Cuisine dinner.
If only I could still escape my life like I had then, I thought. Maybe then I wouldn't need to stare at friggin' sneakers to make myself feel better.
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Canary word: Present
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Kaila~Marieeee~
I like the intro paragraph. Where I question is the second paragraph... I think you need more of a transition between the first and second. Like explain where the MC is, give her a setting and a little more detail before plunging into remembrance. This is only a suggestion though - it really isn't THAT much of a problem at all.
This was a nice little story. It seems most about contrast - from fun, adventurous child to constricted adult. I think you could add more detail and make this piece really fabulous. More detail about her fairy tale adventures as a child, and more detail about how mundane her life is now. She seems unhappy. Really express more contrast between the happiness of her youth and how bland she feels now. More thoughts, more description, more feelings.
I still like it though. Gold star! Good luck, too.
PM me with questions!
~ Clo
Hey Kaila!
Overall...
I loved the subject matter of this piece and i enjoyed reading it a lot. I think it's because it reminded me a lot of myself, in the way that I like to reminisce about my childhood and find it quite comforting. It was easy for me to relate to.
However, for me, it went too fast. You introduced the ideas so quickly and it seems like there's so much potential here for you to expand on what you have...
This was introduced too fast. It seems that there's this amazing contrast between your MC's childhood and the person she is now, so play on it! Tell us more about her life now. The colour of her suit and contrast it with the pink of the sneakers and the colours of the butterfly wings (when you describe that part). Describe the monotony and constraints of her day-to-day life as a businesswoman to really show us the freedom that she had in her childhood. You have so much to work with here, use it!
This seems a bit contradictory? First of all you tell us that she needs her make-believe worlds/games to stop herself from being bored, but then the way you describe putting on the wings as being her sanctuary creates the impression that those wings were much more important to her that for just entertainment?
Like I said though, this piece has mountains of potential
sofi.
Hey, KailaMarie!
This prompt looks familiar. ^_~ I'm loving reading all the different responses to the same thing--they're so different! This piece was cool because it was kind of sarcastic, but kind of sad at the same time. It was a neat emotional mix that I don't get to see very often.
The one thing that I didn't grasp from this short bit was why your main character sought out the comfort of her childhood. Sure, everyday life is stressful, but when it's every day, you kind of get used it. Usually, when someone especially seeks out a certain kind of comfort, something major or especially troublesome has happened. Mr. Garnet calls, and then she pulls out the box when she gets home. Is this a big event that you forgot to flesh out? If it's not, I'd consider making it one. That way, her actions make more sense, and aren't quite as random.
Thanks for the read! Let me know if you have any questions or have another one of these up for me to read.