Cal's Character Contest
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#4 Word: 58: door Picture: 6
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The door closed.
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! I got the house to myself! The little pug looked around anxiously, making sure there would be no witnesses. He didn’t see anyone, so he jumped up off of his cushion under the side table to go into the kitchen.
He had sniffed the delicious smells of food all day, resisting going into the kitchen because he was afraid of being trampled by the many feet hustling and bustling about.
But, miraculously, they had all left. All the rubbery smelling boots were gone from the alcove near the door, and the coast seemed clear. He stuck his nose in the air, following the smell of the Christmas ham. He followed his nose to the counter in the kitchen. He was way too short to reach it, but it smelled so good!
Just then, he heard laughter outside. Startled, his claws clacked across the linoleum floor as he scampered out of the room and back onto his cushion. When the door didn’t open, he peaked back out from under the table.
What’s goin’ on? he thought nervously. He waited another excruciating moment. He could still smell the ham, and it was getting the better of him. On his way back to the kitchen, the pug jumped up onto a boxy chair next to the Christmas tree. He saw that the children were making a snowman. It looked like the woman who took care of the pug was coming inside.
Afraid of being caught doing something he shouldn’t, he leaped swiftly off the chair. In his haste, the small Santa hat the humans had put on him got caught on an ornament on the tree.
The tree was pulled down with a loud crash, and the pug ran even faster back to his cushion. Oh no, oh no, oh no! He laid down and pretended to be asleep.
The door flew open and the woman rushed in. The pug squeezed his eyes closed tighter. “Fido?!”
Darn it.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,847 Reviews
Hi Kalila. It didn't catch my eye at first but that's simply because I didn't expect a story to be about a pug, not anything that's your fault.
Either take out Now or put a comma after But. I'd suggestNitpicks:
taking out Now since it interupts the flow of the story a little.
You can take out Startled since you already describe what happens in the next few words.
Although these sentences work fine on their own, combine them to make for a better flow.
Awesome ending line.
Pug:
Fluffy, although it can be used as a boy's name, works better with a girl and pugs aren't really fluffy. Change the name to something more boy-like.A cute little character. He had personallity and sounded so cute.
Plot:
I like the plot; its a cute idea. It was a bit rushed at the end though so try to slow it down a little.
Setting:
It worked well with the story and it fit Fluffy's thoughts.
Overall Comments
I liked it. You displayed the main character best in his "Uh-oh." moment and everything worked well together. Good job and keep writing!
PM me for anything at all.
-alwaysawriter
Hehe, a very cute story, and well-written, too.
You brought the dog to life, its thoughts and feelings, effectively, which made the story interesting The event made it comical - all in all, a very pleasant read.
I would expand on the part when he's running back to the cushion though - you could focus more on its confusion, fear, horror at having pulled down the tree, all that.
But in general - well done!