Away in the City

Hey Kaila Marie! I am your reviewer for today. ^^

Yeah, Daddy?” she shouted back towards the screen door she had just heard whine open.

“Parker is on the phone!” She heard the door protest as it closed again.

To make this whole section read more fluidly, I think you should get rid of the second "heard" - "The door protested as it closed again".

She laughed. Troy was his favorite goat, well Parker was Troy’s favorite person.

I'm pretty sure you mean "while".

Okay.

He laughed, delighted by her reaction.

I really don't like this as a last line. It doesn't seem final, it kind of leaves the story just hanging there. Okay, he was delighted.... I think you need to sum up this story with a more powerful phrase, concluding all of the events that just happened.

This was a fun, short story and I did enjoy it. It's mostly dialogue though, and though you attempted this with the goat bit, I think you need to add more detail about the past between these two characters. Really create a bond between them that transcends the dialogue. Perhaps, since he was always on the farm, say how she sees him everywhere, and bring up memories, which are entertaining for a reader and also makes us realize what sort of past these two had.

It's cute though, and I like the country tone (I'm from the country... it rings true ^_^). The ending is very sweet, too. Not exactly what I was expecting, which is a good thing.

Good luck with the contest and PM me with any questions!

~ Clo

Haha. Cute story. I liked it. It was smooth, easy to read, and even a bit fun. There's only one place that I didn't think really fit too well, You are telling, not showing, which is bad. Here. I'll show you.

Troy was his favorite goat, well Parker was Troy’s favorite person. Every time he came over, Troy would try to escape to see him, and ram into him. But he would ram with love.

Instead of doing this, show us. Put this in dialog. Say, "No, the goat hasn't had any breakouts lately." or something like that. It'll make this a little bit better.

Is there more? I know that this is insanely short critique, but there really wasn't that much that I found. I really liked the ending -- perfectly written. Good job.

-Jared

Hey KailaMarie, congrats on the contest! Sorry this took me so long to get to, I've been having issues with my computer.

She was sprawled across her new car, picking at his old straw hat. She had been so thankful he had forgotten it. I suppose he doesn’t need it in the city, she thought bitterly.



The hat started to unravel as she pulled at the straw with her dirty fingernails. The summer sun was filtered through the trees above her, the shade cooling her off. A faint breeze rustled her long chestnut hair.


“Hallie!” her father called out to her in that familiar southern drawl.


“Yeah, Daddy?” she shouted back towards the screen door she had just heard whine open.


“Parker is on the phone!” She heard the door protest as it closed again.


So what? she thought angrily. He left me. For what? College. City life. What a best friend he turned out to be. Even with these thoughts, she got off her car, her precious car that took her so much sweat and dirt to be able to afford, and ran to the house. She hated how eager she sounded as she picked up the phone and exclaimed, “Parker!”


“Hallie?” his voice sounded like a calm pond on a hot summer day after working in the fields. “It’s so good to hear from you!”


She grinned, glad no one was watching her. “Right back at ya.”


“How are things there? How’s Troy?”


She laughed. Troy was his favorite goat, [s]well[/s] and Parker was Troy’s favorite person. Every time he came over, Troy would try to escape to see him, omit comma and ram into him. But he would ram with love.


“No more escaping acts lately,” she giggled.


“Well that’s good. Wouldn’t want him getting in trouble without me,” he chuckled.


Hallie could imagine Parker rubbing the stubble on his chin like he always did when he tried to make a joke. She felt a pang of loss.


“What about you? How are you?” his voice got softer then.


“Fine,” she said, nonchalantly. She felt like she needed to be casual as a defense mechanism. “You know you left your hat here,” she said, changing the subject.


“Yeah…” he said slowly. “I know.”


“Well, do you want it back?” she barked. She was insulted. He left it on purpose? Was he trying to forget the farm? Was he trying to forget me?


“No. I left it for you. You didn’t find the paper?” he sounded concerned now. “Maybe it fell out,” he muttered.


“One sec," she said quickly into the phone before setting it down on the checkerboard tablecloth and running outside back to her car. Her bare feet were tough against the jagged ground.


She picked up the hat, breathless from running. She looked inside and all around the rim. There was a thick folded piece of yellow paper tucked inside the lining. You say that it was a thick piece of paper, wouldn't she have noticed it before? Maybe have her wonder why she didn't notice - show some reaction.

She didn’t open it there. She dropped the hat in the dusty driveway and ran back to the house. This seems a little unrealistic, seeing as how she clearly cares about him why would she just disregard the last thing about him left and drop it to the ground? I think she would set the hat carefully on the hood of her car or something before running off to talk to him. She picked up the phone and breathed, “Found it.”


“Oh, ok. Good,” she heard him say something to someone in the room with him. “I have to go. But read the note, please. And tell your dad and Troy I say hi.”


“Ok. Bye, Parker.”


“Bye, Hallie.”


She hung up the phone before turning her attention to the piece of paper in her hand. It was faded and wrinkled. Hallie flipped her hair over her shoulder before slowly unfolding it. A wad of cash fell out of the fold. There was a message in blue pen scribbled on it.


It said: Do you think that’s enough for gas all the way to New York?


Stunned, she fell into the chair at the table next to her. Once she felt like her knees were stable enough to stand [s]up[/s], she picked up the phone and redialed the number Parker had just called from. The repetition of "up" disrupts the flow of the sentence - the first "up" isn't needed anyway.


Before he even had a chance to say hello, she demanded, “You idiot! Why didn’t you tell me before you left?!” There isn't much of a positive reaction - only negative and I get the feeling that she's glad that he did that for her. Try slipping in something like "she smiled" or "she beamed" so that the reader knows what she's thinking.


He laughed, delighted by her reaction.

If you're plot is what I think it is, then I'm really excited for this story! I'd love to read more! Is she going to go to New York and they'll fall in love with some complications along the way? That would be fun to read about. But, if you aren't going to write anymore because it was a contest entry, I'm begging you to keep writing because I think you have a good plot going!

I really love how well your story flows! But, I do think that you could expand on things a bit more. I think that you should have at least one scene with Parker physically in it (not on the telephone ) so that the reader can relate to what Hallie is feeling because they'll know just what he meant to her. Also, it'll give a feeling of longing for the reader to meet Parker more and really care about him. Maybe try making a scene of when he leaves or a memory (in italics) that she's daydreaming about, or maybe even a dream.

Also, I think that you could describe things a bit more - such as what the farm she lives on looks like, what her dad looks like, and even what her car looks like, as it will really help the reader get into the story and feel like they're there.

You definitely have something good going here, don't stop writing on this!

PM me when you have more,
~Onceuponatim3xo

Heya KailaMarie (pretty name, I have to say),

Before he e ven

This was the only mistake I found, 'e ven' should be 'even', Lol.

Very wonderful story! I really do hope this continues!

I love your descriptions. They're very well drawn out and you can just see what's going on.

Sorry this wasn't a long crit.

Keep up the good work!

-Sadie