Dear Kitty,
Another day in the jail, awaiting my destiny. I'm very lonely in here and am desperate for a friend, but I guess that's why I got you, right Kitty? The cell around me is dark and musty, it's reminding me too much of the life I once lived. Oh how I'm desperate to get out of this dank and mangy cell. I can't leave, however, I must show them that not all witches are bad or side with the man whom I'll never say. That's the real reason that I'm staying, I would leave if I could, but my destiny is here and now and I must live it. You must tell me to stop, I can't go on like this, now can I? I still can't believe that the guards didn't take you away, not that I want them to or anything. Oh kitty, I'm so glad that I still have you to talk with, I'm starting to loose hope in myself, but you know that I can never loose hope. This is the part that you reassure me Kitty, when you tell me that I can get through this. Sometimes I don't believe that I can, sometimes I believe that I should just give up, you know? I love you, you know kitty, I often think that you're my only friend left. We have been through so much together and can I just say, I'll miss you when this is all over. Do you think that they'll allow me to have you, even when I've ascended into the lord my gods loving embrace. I really hope so, until we meet again, I really hope we do, good-bye Kitty, I love you dearly.
End of chapter
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141,778 Literary Works • 675,746 Reviews
Yep. I'm here again.
Remember what I said about characteristics/personality last time? Well I'm mentioning that again.
Washi seems very different in this one than in the last entry. She seems quite sad and going against the impression I had of her last time. She's quite lonely here and also going against the laughing girl we saw previously. She almost seems like the type who would grasp onto every last shred of hope in order for things to be perfect. An optimist at it's best. Like I've already mentioned, that's quite the change.
But the solution to the problem is a bit tricky. This involves editing at least one of the entries, if not both. You're going to need to make them sound like the same person. What is your character's personality like? How will they respond to certain things? You can probably write a few things down about how Washi will respond to certain situations. It will help immensely.
I can tell that your voice is really in this piece though, so it's probably going to make it hard to change it. I can definitely feel Washi's despair here. It's marvelous how well you're doing this. But keep what I've mentioned above in mind.
Well, that's it from this hologram! I hope that this was of some vague use to you and I hope you have a marvelous whatever-time-of-day-it-is!
Never stop writing!
~Holographic Ladybug
Yeah... She's acting like that because she's an elemental... I f you don't get that it means that only when shes in her natural habitat, in the air, that's the only way that she can really feel happy. She feels like she needs to hope because if she doesn't, well, everyone will probably die...
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh...............
Just a suggestion: you should probably mention that someplace (being an elemental and the happiness thing). I'm not saying that you should do it right away but maybe sometime soon in your story.
Also, I like what you have so far and if you stop writing ever I will hunt you down and find you.
XD!!!! It is going to show up in the latter novels of Fire and Wind, that commit was kinda like a spoiler of sorts...
Hi, Kai. ( wow! that's a cool name, I just realized that)
Ok,so, it's a nice theme. Nice start. Not to mention, the title is really interesting. And a good one cus it gets your attention. But, in this story, too, there's a lot to add.
First some grammar things.
Here, the second am in not needed. It's better to use only the first one.
Where is the exclamatory mark at the end of this sentence??
Now, the writing. It seems a bit misarranged. Like, the ideas are sudden. You are talking about your loneliness once, and then suddenly, about the cat, and then suddenly talking about your destiny.
Do this- First write down whatever comes to your mind. And then rearrange them so that the ideas seem related to each other, kay?
Also, I didn't get this one thing. The narrator is writing a letter,right? So, he is supposed to be far from the cat. In that sense, the guards are supposed to take the cat with them. But why did you say that they didn't ?? I mean, where is the cat??
And be aware of the "I" s.
Plus, try to think a bit deeper. Try to imagine that you are in the place ( whatever place you are writing about) and feel deeper and more. Expand the image. See if there's anything more to write about that can make the writing better and sound more real.
That's all from me for now. I will review the next chaps,too. ( If I get the mood to review)
Hey there KaiRyu and here's a late welcome to YWS. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without further ado, let the reviewing begin.
1. Let me just start by saying you are my 75th review and I am extremely excited while writing this review. I think the length of this chapter would be an appropriate place to start. You classified it as a chapter and then I found, what I am guessing, is the second in a series of letters. If you write it in the letter format, it would be helpful to also write the date. Another thing that you must be careful with in the letter format, is you exiting phrase. You put "I love you dearly" with another sentence, but I think this is an ending that should be separated from the rest. Place the period after Kitty. Then place "I love you dearly(add a comma)" on another line. If you want to put the character's name place it on a separate line and then the letter is finished.
2. I was going to read your previous chapter and review, but didn't in the end. You already had some great reviews and I did not want to repeat any information. It was however, hard to find that first chapter because you placed them in different folders. I am guessing this was not intentional and you just forgot to change the folder. You may want to place all of the chapters in their own folder, so the reader can access them, in sequence, easily.
3. On "Kitty" you switch between a capital and undercase K for her name. Now you are addressing her as "Kitty" so that is her name. You need a capital K for this. This paragraph is going to serve as my grammar an spelling. You don't necessarily have anything that belongs under spelling, but I do have something else to place under grammar. You use "I" over and over again. This was written from the first person, but if you were really telling somebody about a traumatic situation, actually speaking, would "I" be present so many times. Would you say to someone,
No, you would not.
You would say,
Notice for the last sentence I did not combine it with anything. I just moved the words around to fit my purpose. Try thinking about the real world scenario of the conversation when writing.
The best best would be to combine some of those "I" sentences to eliminate that annoying vowel.
4. I do not really have much to say about the plot. It is pretty simple, this woman or man is in prison for their crimes(witchcraft). You took a different twist to that and I found it interesting. If you decide to write a third chapter, I would be happy to review.
5. Well, that's about all I have for now. I am going to go celebrate my third star. See you around.
-lizzy
Congrats on your 3rd star!! I'm honored to be your 75th review!!!