Chapter 4 (Washi)
Four hours and twenty three minutes. That’s how long those people have had Hein. I sighed and tried to distract myself from imagining all the possible things that could have been done to her by now. I looked down on the ever changing landscape, searching for the place that I know they took Hein to. I checked my watch and, Good Gravy!!! I had been flying for 3 hours straight! I sighed and began looking for a place to rest. I finally came across an abandoned house deep in a forest. I landed on the dark porch and opened the door. Man, it sure is messy. I groaned and ran my fingers through my hair and wondered if I should clean the place up before I made camp. My cleanliness part took over so I started to throw out trash and junk untill I had one corner cleaned out, which is quite a feat considering how messy it was. I yanked out some pillows and stuff untill I had at least a decent bed and slept for the night.
I woke up groggy, rubbed my eyes, looked and wondered where I was. Weak sunlight filtered in through gimormus cracks in the windows. Yesterday just seemed like a bad dream. At least for forty five seconds until I realized that yesterday had happened and that Hein was with the people that I hate, despise, even. I sobbed once, and only once, for the girl who is probably being tortured into doing God knows what. I straitened determinedly and thought I'm coming for you Hein. I rubbed my eyes stretched and yawned. I managed to wade my way through the freakishly large piles of junk untill I found my way back to the front door. I looked around and for a moment enjoying the natural beauty of the woods. Then, with a mighty unfurling of my eagle wings, I took off into the air. It felt good despite the feeling of certain doom lingering in the air. I closed my eyes and breathed in the damp morning air.
I looked down and finally, finally found my destination. Instead of celebrating, like I usually would, I cried and pondered if I should really do this, if I should go back into the place of my nightmares. It was like an argument with myself, is this what conflicted people feel like? My crazy, daredevil side seemed to win. How did I know, you ask? Because I took a deep breath in, and landed on the cold, hard stone walkway.
It all seem's too easy, all I had to do was walk in, definitely suspicious. I started down the long corridors and my foot steps ecoed down the long, stone hall. I looked up and saw the dark and desolate castle walls looming over me, seemingly saying “You will not win, you will never win…” I shuddered, closed my eyes and thought to myself, it's just the building, I can do this. Once again, I took a deep breath and plunged further into the dark abyss.
Chapter 5(Washi)
I timidly walked though the stone hallways in search of Hein. It should be immposible for a place to have this ammount of depression and pain, but unfortunately it isn't. I started crying, crying for all those people who were endureing torture, most likley to the death. Then, amongst all that pain and suffering there's a voice, a voice.. singing! Could Hein have actually listened to something I said and managed to remember it for all those years? I'm about to find out, I thought.
I congured up some winds to lift me up and hide my ecoing footsteps. I practically ran to the source of the voice, and by the time I got there I was exausted. I allowed myself a few moments of rest before I finally saw what was behind that door. Wait, I thought to myself, if I'm really at my destination, wouldn't this be a trick. I pressed my ear up against the door and knocked against it. Instead of being a large, metal vault door, like the one I'm seeing, it's fairly hollow. I tried to run but it was too late and a chain net encased me. I frantically tried to escape, but it's imposible so I decided to just sit and wait and conserve my energy for when I bust out of here,
So I waited and waited for my destiny. We finally, finally came to a stop in front of the REAL humongo vault door. I'm being roughly draged inside when I hear high pitched screams from the people, no my friends, inside. My captors quickly shut the door and left my friends to lift the heavy, chain net off me. Once it was off, I quickly scrambled up and rushed over to hug my friends. It's now Heins turn to recieve her hug, but she just stiffly stood there and refused to be huged. It was untill she said somthing that it dawned on me why she's so mad at me.
"Washi! How could you just leave Kai and Chi here, after everything they'd done for you!" Hein screamed. Good Gravy, I'd never seen Hein this enraged at me before, not even when I'd accidentilly cut her hair too short. My jaw droped open and I just stared at her. I'm going to have some explaining to do...
End of chapter
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Hey there, Catalyst here for a review!
Al-right, so you have quite a nice premise here, it's quite intriguing. I'll get into areas where description, plot and character development can be refined in a moment, but first lets just go over a few grammar discrepancies-
"
I straitened determinedly and thought I'm coming for you
Firstly, it's "straightened". Secondly, thoughts should generally be in italics. Here's two ways of going about this sentence;
"I straightened determinedly. (Italics;) I'm coming for you. (Not-Italics;), I thought."
ORRRR, If you have something against Italics;
"I straightened determinedly. I thought of how I'd hunt this fellow down."
The second method is a little more stilted and difficult to pull off.
Ok, onto the plot!
So, I feel that your description is a little lacking. I really couldn't build much of a picture of the surrounding scenery in my mind. It would have been nice to describe the forest rushing beneath him as he flew, or the ram-shackle state of the house. Another issue here is that there's a little bit of telling-not-showing going on here.
Let me give two examples-
"
Man, it sure is messy
"
It should be immposible for a place to have this ammount of depression and pain, but unfortunately it isn't.
These sentences don't really tell us much. Sure, we now know that the scene is messy or depressing, but we don't get an image in our mind, which takes away all power from the statements. For example, "Man, it sure is messy" could be followed up by-
"
Waste was piled along the walls, creating a tremendous odour. Torn mattresses, rotted food and plastic bags littered the room, amongst other unidentifiable things.
Overall though, this was a fun read, you clearly have a lot of potential and creativity! So just keep working and practising to convey it!
Thx for this review!!!!
Yo, Ryu! Like promised, here's the reivew.
Before anything, I would like to point out a mistake regarding tense.
Well, according to the tense that you have written the story in, it will be "had had".
Ok, so, dude, it was confusing. I couldn't get what it was about. And the list of your work doesn't say that you have started with chap 1. why so??
Anyways, right now, I can't really say anything about the plot or the characters. There's just too little things written here. I can only get the image that a boy is trying to save his abducted friend. You did give a little info about the ones who abducted her. But that wasn't enough either. So, if you want to have some suggestions or sharing about the plot, you will have to chat or PM me, kay? So, next time I see you, we'll talk about it.
The most important thing, your writing style. Well, it's only "I" and "I". The sentences all just say what the narrator's seeing, doing, thinking. But they fail to bring intensity to the situation. Like, they sound more like just a description of "daily routine". But they don't really make the readers feel something. Try to write sentences that don't have the repetition of active voice. Also, try to find words that can show the gravity of the situation cus to me, it all sounded plain.
I know, the story is just like the basic structure to the novel you wanna write. So, there's much more to add to it. Just talk to me about it later. And of course, try to bring variation in your writing.
That's all for now. I will review the real chapters of the novel.
Yeah this is kinda the boring part of the whole story...