z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Fire and Wind Prologue-Chapter 3

by KaiRyu


Prolouge

The sound of my typewriter rang in my ears, each key making a different noise than the others. Clickity, clack, click, click, I giggled and gasped as the story began to develop, to build before my eyes. The words gradually made sentences, the sentences made paragraphs, and the paragraphs made chapters. I brushed my hair out of my face and continued typing until ding! The end of the paper was reached. I deftly pulled it out and placed it on top a growing pile of papers, satisfied by the work I did, lest it end up in the trash bin where an even bigger pile of papers was gathering.

“What’s happening today?” Asked a little birdie in my head as it read the paper I had just placed.

“Just the usual I’m afraid!” I replied to an empty room, laughing. “But I’m sure things are bound to get interesting some time soon, after all there is always something more to my stories.”

Chapter 1

“Hey, wake up, sleepyhead!” shouts someone as they hurled a blazing fireball up a tall tree, which only singed a part of Washi’s dress. It was Hein. Hein’s long red hair was pulled up into 2 braids, both of them hung limply on her shoulders, her bright green eyes were wide and full of mischief. “Come on, I’m not getting any younger down here!” She shouts again with a smile

“Nor are we getting any older!” Washi replied, laughing as she sat up and started nimbly climbing down the thick, dark branches of the tall oak that she had slept in the night before. Washi jumped down from the branches and landed lightly on a carpet of crunchy, dry leaves. “So, what’s the plan for today?” Washi smiled up at Hein, her eight year old body shorter than Hein’s 14 year old one.

“Hmmm, let’s see… You good with training for a bit?” Hein asked with a mischievous glint in her eyes.

“Alright fine, just try not to start another forest fire. Last time you did that, the people from town almost found out about your power.” Washi said, clearly concerned about being found out.

“Alright, alright fineee. Geez. I don’t understand why you’re so worried about being found out Washi.” Hein rolled her eyes and grinned, her tone lighthearted.

Washi winced, “some things are better off not know.” She muttered and looked down. Washi paused a moment before looking back at Hein and saying, “are we going or what?” She smiled, trying to dissolve the tense atmosphere she created.

“Oh you know it, just waiting for you, slowpoke!” Hein laughed and took off running before leaping the air and unfurling a pair of Phoenix wings. “Bet you can’t catch up!” She called down at Washi once she cleared the treetops. Washi grinned at the challenge before unfurling her own, a pair of albino eagle wings, and taking off after Hein. “See there you go! For a moment I was afraid you had forgotten how to fly.” Hein teased.

“In your dreams, Ash!” Washi grinned, using the nickname she came up with for Hein. A name that Hein just so happened to despise.

“Oh no you did not!” Hein shouted, and hurled a blazing fireball at Washi.

“I’ll show you!” Washi shouted right back, and started to conquer up a gust of wind. She hurled her invisible swirling vortex of doom right at Hein who nimbly avoided it in her usual manner, by lobbing a fire ball right at it; creating an explosion so bright that someone could probably easily see it halfway across the world. Washi hovered mesmerised by the golds, oranges, and reds all mixing together to create a perfect painting in the sky. Art made from explosives. Hein was still laughing when Washi glanced down. Instead of the peaceful rolling hills she had became accustomed to, instead she saw the rows of crops ablaze with those same swirling, beautiful colors.

Washi immediately glanced at Hein who denied it saying “I swear it wasn’t me, come on Washi you know that I extinguish the after fire” Washi believed her, but the only other person that she knew of that could start a fire of that size didn’t know that they were there. Washi kept on trying to put out the massive bonfire with my own powers, which were deemed useless in the name of fire.

“I can’t control it, this isn’t fire, but whatever it is, it’s spreading!” Shouted Hein frantically. Washi could see her scanning the blackened and burned crops below in hope that she could find who made the glowing embers, and eliminate them. Her forest green eyes were starting to change, like they usually do when we’re provoked, from their usual emerald green to the deep shade of red.

“I’ll stop the fire only if you come with me, don’t worry I won’t hurt you.” Shouted someone from far down below.

“Gotcha…” Hein muttered as her body started to glow, catching on fire until she was nothing but the flaming reds, yellows, and golds aforementioned.

“Hein, stop! You’re just going to make it worse.” Washi screamed at Hein while dodging her flames that were threatening to burn her. As the smoke began to clear below, Washi began to make out two figures. Both of them were female, but one wore a yellow dress and the other wore a blue dress.

“Okay then, I guess I’ll just have to take you by force.” The yellow girl said and took out something that gleamed in the sunlight. Washi gasped, finally recognizing both of them.

“Hein,” Washi said hoarsely, “we need to get out of here, now.” She grew even paler than usual, and she was shaking from head to toe.

“What?! No, we can’t just let them lea-” Hein stopped abruptly, letting out a gasp as something was shot into her arm. It was a tranquilizer dart, one colored bright red. “That. Little….” She growled, apparently not able to come up with something bad enough to call the yellow girl. Her wings began to beat more slowly as Hein started to fall asleep, her mind succumbing to the effects of the dart.

“Hein!” Washi cried out and grabbed Hein’s arm when she started to fall, her wings working overtime to keep them both in the air. Without warning, Washi heard a high pitched scream from below. Looking down, the girl in blue was in a fetal position, and the yellow girl was seemingly giving her an order. Out of nowhere, a long rope made of water shot out of the ground and wrapped itself around Heins legs, and started to pull her down. Washi’s grip began to loosen, and eventually she had to let go altogether, lest the girl also capture her too.

Washi had no choice but to watch helplessly as her friend was pulled down into the hands of her enemy, wishing that she could do something effective. Before she had the chance, though, the three girls teleported away into who knows what danger.

Chapter 2

Hein awoke groggy and stiff.“Washi?” She called out, her voice hoarse.“Where are you?” Hein sat up and took a fuzzy look at her surrounds. Not much to see, just a plain room. Hein sat up, confused.

Her eyes started to adjust to her dim surroundings and the black, blobby things, that she had thought to be shadows, started to form two people. One had eyes such a deep blue that they reminded Hein of the ocean, and had the darkest black hair with thin, elegant blue streaks running through it. Her hair was so long long that it came down like a waterfall off the top of her head and pooled at her feet. Her skin was a light brown color and her dress was multiple shades of blue that always seemed to shift and dance in time to some unheard music, almost like waves.

Hein gasped “it’s you! You’re that girl who pulled me down, not cool!” She exclaimed and started to catch on fire once again.

“I’m sorry, I had to… Otherwise Suji would have shocked me again.” The girl said, looking down and rubbing her throat. Once Hein peered closer, however, she could see a metal shock collar around the girl’s neck.

“Chi.” The other girl said, nodding. She had much darker skin. Her hair was also black, but one could see hints of brown here and there, and made into messy dreadlocks with multicolored beads inserted. Her dress was, like the other girl, a mixture of all sorts of colors, mostly in the brown area. Her dark brown eyes look like soil itself.

“Huh, Chi?” Hein asked quizzically, wondering what that was supposed to mean.

“Chi can’t say any words besides her name, Suji hasn’t taught her anything else. What is your name? Mine is Kairyu” The girl looked up timidly, hiding behind her hair.

“ Um…” Hein started out, terrific right? “My name is Hein?” She said awkwardly. The blue girl nodded slowly. “So, where am I?” She asked with another quick recon of the room, finally seeing that it was made of gleaming metal.

“Hm? Oh, this is a laboratory, of sorts…” Said Kai, her voice still low and quiet. “C-could I ask you something? How is Washi doing, I saw her with you. I assume you know her?”

“Yes I know her, she was my only friend.” Hein finally breathed out, still gazing at them with the same astounded expression. Both girls grinned and breathed a sigh of relief to the fact that Washi was alive and well, probably. Hein looked up as she heard heavy footsteps approaching the room. Kai whimpered and backed into a corner while Chi stood her ground and glared such a powerful glare that any human in their right mind would stop and back away slowly.

A door that Hein had not seen before started to open slowly and two figures walked in. Apparently these people didn’t mind dying because they didn’t stop, even when one of them saw Chi, and one had the gall to laugh at her fierce attempt to scare them. Chi snarled and bit one of them when they grabbed onto her wrist. The man grimaced but didn’t loosen his iron grip on Chi. She growled and flipped the man over with amazing strength and speed. The scientist muttered something and got back up, but not before Chi got in another blow this time to his face. The other scientist, forgotten by Chi, grabbed her arm before she could land yet another blow, and plunged a syringe filled with dark liquid into her shoulder. Chi started to sway on her feet before she fell to her knees, weakened by whatever was in that syringe.

Hein scrambled to her feet, and releasing a strong battle cry, she tackled the scientist. She let her skin burn as hot as it could, which was approximately 2,400 degrees fahrenheit. The scientist cried out in alarm as his white coat caught on fire, and the skin underneath started to blister up. “How do you like that?” Hein snarled as her eyes started to changed to an auburn.

“Hein, watch out!” Kai cried out as the other scientist got up, and used another sedative on Hein, burning his hand severely during the process.

“SERIOUSLY?! Again?” Shouted Hein, “what is with you people and making me fall asleep! Come on!” Even though Hein acted like it did nothing to her, the effects did slow her down, at least enough so that the scientists could take Chi out of the room without further harm being inflicted upon them.

Hein looked back behind her to see if any of them had tried to harm Kai. When she did, however, Kai was nowhere to be seen.

Chapter 3

Four hours and twenty three minutes. That’s how long those people have had Hein, this was just a rough estimate, however. Washi sighed and tried to distract herself from imagining all the possible things that could have been done to her by now. She looked down on the ever changing landscape, searching for the place that she know they took Hein to. Washi sighed, and began looking for a place to rest for the night.

She finally came across an abandoned house, hidden deep in a pine tree forest. Washi landed on the dark porch, and the first thought that came to mind was yep, this place has definitely been abandoned for a while. The boards were rotted with mold growing on them, and creepers were wrapped around the wood support beams by the entrance. The thing that worried her the most, however, was the fact that the house itself was nothing more than an empty shell. No walls, no roof only the charred remains of the support beams and floor.

Pine needles were scattered across the floor, and weeds were growing out of the cracks and crevices. “Seems like my type of place…” Washi muttered and began to kick aside the pine needles to provide some space to sleep on. She eventually laid down, and piled her hair by her head, using it as a pillow. A splitting headache began to form at the back of her mind as Washi wrapped her wings around herself, something that’s been happening since she was five especially at night.

Washi sighed and shut her eyes, attempting to block out the pain unsuccessfully. “Alright fine, come on out Yami…” She muttered before gasping abruptly as a dense fog started to gather around her. The fog eventually formed a person with it’s swirling tendrils, a girl around 16 years old. Washi never got to see what happened next before everything went black.

Washi woke up groggy to a torn apart house. She immediately scrambled up, wondering if she was kidnapped before remembering the things that happened just the day before. Yesterday just seemed like a bad dream. At least for forty five seconds until she realized that yesterday had happened, and that Hein was with the people that Washi hated, despised even. She straightened determinedly and thought I'm coming for you Hein to herself.

Washi looked up, and thought she recognized the smell of pine trees even though she had never left the other forest which was made up of mostly oak trees. She shook her head and with a mighty unfurling of her eagle wings, Washi took off into the air. It felt good despite the feeling of certain doom lingering in the air. She closed her eyes and breathed in the damp morning air.

After several hours, Washi looked down and finally, finally found her destination. Instead of celebrating, like she usually would have, Washi kept a somber face as she landed on the cold stone.

It all seemed too easy, all she had to do was walk in, definitely suspicious. Washi started down the long corridors, and her footsteps echoed down the long, stone hall. She looked up and saw the dark, and desolate castle walls looming over her, seemingly saying “You will not win, you will never win…” Washi shuddered, but not because she was cold before she closed her eyes and thought to herself, it's just the building, I can do this. Once again, Washi took in a deep breath and plunged further into the dark abyss.

Washi timidly walked through the stone hallways in search of Hein. It should have been impossible for a place to have this amount of depression and pain, but unfortunately it isn't. Then, among all that pain and suffering there's a voice, a voice.. singing! Could Hein have actually listened to something Washi said and managed to remember it for all those years? I'm about to find out, she thought.

She conjured up some winds to lift her up and hide her echoing footsteps. Washi practically ran to the source of the voice, and by the time she got there, she was exhausted. Washi allowed herself a few moments of rest before she finally saw what was behind that door. Wait, she thought to herself, if I'm really at my destination, wouldn't this be a trick? Washi pressed her ear up against the door and knocked against it. Instead of being a large, metal vault door, like the one she was seeing, it was fairly hollow. Washi tried to run, but it was too late and a chain net encased her. Washi frantically tried to escape, but it was impossible so she decided to just sit and wait, and conserve my energy for when she busted out of here.

So Washi waited and waited for her destiny. Eventually she could hear the sound of heels clicking against the stone, coming closer and closer until Washi could ever so faintly see a person's shadow up against the stone wall.

“It seems like the trap worked.” A girl with glasses, yellow hair and a matching dress said as she approached me. “Really Washi, I thought you would have been smarter than that. I at least expected some sort of fun.” She knelt down beside me.

Washi growled, “so what Suji? You caught me without a fight, I’m so sorry. Now please stop talking and take me to the others.”

Suji laughed chillingly, “nice to see nothing has changed since you… left Washi. How many years has it been now? It was around 60 last time I checked, no? And yet you don’t look any older.”

“I have to admit, I’m disappointed you haven’t changed one bit, Suji. A time period like that should at least have affected you a little.” Washi said calmly back, knowing full well that she wouldn’t be able to provoke Suji.

“Yes, you ready to be reunited with your… What do you call them? “Friends”? I’d be surprised if they feel the same way about you after you left them alone. Oh well let’s go.” Suji smiled and grabbed the net. Washi squeezed her eyes shut, not wanting to feel the world bend around her as Suji teleported, taking Washi with her.

When Washi opened back up her eyes three figures were standing over her, Suji was long gone, and surprisingly she was out of the net. “Hey, nice to see you guys again…” Washi said and sat up.

"Washi! How could you just leave Kai and Chi here, after everything they'd done for you!" Hein exclaimed furiously. Washi gaped at her, not having seen Hein this mad, even when she “accidentally” cut Hein’s hair too short. “You have some explaining to do.”

Washi sighed and looked down, knowing that whenever Hein got like this, there was nothing she could do but explain. “Alright…”


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28 Reviews


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Tue Sep 05, 2017 7:32 am
ThemagicalEbonyFox wrote a review...



Hello there again Kai. After talking to Hein in the Character Interviews club, I decided to check this out.
I loved the interaction and friendship between Hein and Washi and you could tell they've been friends for quite a while. I also liked how the personalities of your characters matched their elements, especially Hein, who's impulsive nature and short temper matched the spirit of a raging fire perfectly.

I found that a few of your sentences tended to drag on a little, which slowed the development of the story. Some of them seemed like two long separate sentences combined into one. There also were a few typos and grammar issues.
Another thing that annoyed me a little was that Hein find out about Washi's past before the reader did. It made Washi having to explain what happened seem a lot more unnecessary. These are just little things though, and overall I found the story very exciting and action packed.

I really enjoyed reading this, I love the story and the characters. I'll probably try and review more of this in the future, and I hope to see you around. Keep writing!
Ebony.




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Mon Nov 28, 2016 6:31 pm
JadeBunny says...



You misspelled "Prologue" and there are some confusing sentences. For example,
These were rare and dangerous gifts that one should have the responsibility to control one of the four main elements.
That made no sense to me. It can be rewritten as
The ability to control the four elements were rare and dangerous gifts.
However, I liked the premise and the relationship between the sisters. If you edited the grammar more and split up the chapters, I would have liked it a lot more.




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Mon Nov 28, 2016 6:31 pm
JadeBunny wrote a review...



You misspelled "Prologue" and there are some confusing sentences. For example,
These were rare and dangerous gifts that one should have the responsibility to control one of the four main elements.
That made no sense to me. It can be rewritten as
The ability to control the four elements were rare and dangerous gifts.
However, I liked the premise and the relationship between the sisters. If you edited the grammar more and split up the chapters, I would have liked it a lot more.




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Sun Feb 28, 2016 2:51 pm
MaryEvans says...



You've misspelled Prologue.
Also you switch between tenses in the narration. Pick one and stick with it. I wouldn't switch around point of views either but that's up to you I guess. You should make it more clear still.

Seriously though, how do you people keep misspelling Prologue of all things.




KaiRyu says...


I have no idea...



MaryEvans says...


Well fix it girlie! Fix it!



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Sun Feb 28, 2016 2:20 pm
HolographicLadybug wrote a review...



#104E8B "> :smt117 :smt117 :smt117 :smt117 :) This review is brought to you by team #104E8B ! Happy Review Day! :) :smt117 :smt117 :smt117 :smt117
Greetings Kai[color=darkblue]Ryu! I've been meaning to review this for a while, but I am finally here!

Prologue

I warn you to be careful with prologues. You see, there are a lot of readers who skip the prologue and go right for the first chapter. Of course, if the prologue must be read in order to understand the story, the reader will get really confused and set the book down. So be careful with them. Prologues are cool and everything, but could potentially ruin your story. Here is where you can find information on prologues.
Your prologue feels more like a hook or one of those blurbs that you find on the backs (or the flaps) of books. It feels more of something to hook readers in (if you take a look at that article, you can see what I mean). What's more is that you tell us in a way what is going to happen. We want to find out what will happen in your story and that kind of ruins some surprises in a way. I mean, I can tell right away that I love your writing style, but hook your readers in a different way.

Chapter 1

Spoiler! :
Nit picks to start off.
Hein’s long red hair is pulled up into 2 braids and hung

In written writing, we use the written numbers instead of the numerals. (2=two)
Also, hung=hang. You're using present tense. I know that it can be hard to keep a certain tense sometimes (that's happening quite a bit in my own novel where I will accidentally slip into present tense when I should be in past). Just be careful about those slips and keep a watchful eye over them because they sometimes slip. ;)

“Why are you yelling at me, you know very well that I can hear perfectly fine.” I grumbled

There should be a question mark instead of a comma after "me".
You've slipped tenses again. Grumbled=grumble
Your dialogue could use some work as well. Here is a guide to some of the dialogue rules that I wrote in one of my other reviews. (Contains other YWSers)
Dialogue.
A comma instead of a period at the end of each line before the tag....
EX: "I could use some pudding," Holographic Ladybug remarked.
....Unless it's to describe an action
EX: "Give me more of your pudding." Holographic lashed out at Felistia, holographic claws unsheathed, in a vain attempt at securing more pudding.
Unless there is a name (with the exception of the rule above), the first word of the tag must be lowercase.
EX: "You will get no more pudding, you evil person!" she cried as MadWriter7, FallWolf, and Writer12345 dragged Holographic Ladybug away from CHRISSY321, who was holding the last cup of pudding.

(Ironically, I hate pudding)

Ok, it appears (reviewing as I go along, sorry) as if you're going into past tense and kind of sticking to that. Like I said, keep your tenses in mind.

Instead of the peaceful rolling hills I had learned to expect, instead I saw the rows of crops ablaze with those same swirling, beautiful colors.

You have "instead" written twice.

Now I've noticed that you're constantly switching tenses. Please be aware of what tense you're writing in and try to stick with that as best as you can and correct when needed. It can be a bit hard sometimes, but it starts to become easier as you start paying attention.


When your MC first wakes up, I suggest describing the area. What you have is fine, but it doesn't feel like enough, you know? I'm not exactly 100% sure where exactly you are/where your MC wakes up. So describe the area! Are you in a forest? What do the other trees and plants look like? Are you in a field with only that one oak tree? Describe the field. How long does it go on for? Don't be afraid to get creative, either. Description can really bring your story to life, giving it that pop that makes it explode off the paper and makes the reader see it for themselves.

Chapter 2


Spoiler! :

“I swear it wasn’t me, come on Washi you know that I extinguish my fireballs after they miss.”

I think that you have accidentally put two speakers into one?

Her forest green eyes were starting to change, like they usually do when we’re provoked, from their usual emerald green to the deep shade of red.

You mention that her eyes are green twice, which is a bit repetitive. What you could say instead is from their usual colour to a deep shade of red.

“I’ll stop the fire only if you give yourselfs up to me!”

Yourselfs=yourselves


I suggest that you slow down a little when the voice is threatening your characters. You were going a bit too fast and I couldn't really process what was going on. Describing things is probably one of your biggest solutions here. Along with it going too fast, I'm not really experiencing the fire powers. Describe them. You did a good job when Hein became a bunch of white flame, so try doing stuff like that throughout your chapter. It will really support your scenes and give an awesome boost to your story.
What else you can do is focus on your characters' reactions as well. That will not only help with character development, but also get your reader to know your characters more.

Chapter 3


Spoiler! :

I sat up and took a fuzzy look at my surrounds.

Surrounds=surroundings


I love when you were describing Kai and Chi! This is the type of description I was talking about! The one of Kai was my favorite because you got really creative with her details and description. You did such a good job there that I encourage (or promote) you doing that more often.

I also feel like your final paragraph went a bit too fast. It's also a bit passive. Use what I said about character reactions to really give your story/scene more of a believable boost. It will really help your story. Show some of Hein's personality in your narration! How is she feeling? What is she thinking? Think about what you can do to really bring her off the page/screen and into "real life".

Well that's it for this review! Overall, this was very nice and creative. I'll be back to review more soon, so this isn't last of me you've seen. ;)
Never stop writing!
~Holographic Ladybug :elephant:




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Wed Feb 03, 2016 1:26 am
Kaila wrote a review...



Hi KaiRyu!

Overall, I thought this was good, if not a little confusing. Here's a list of my thoughts:
-The prologue set the first chapter up nicely, but you could've shown that Hein and Washi had the fire and wind powers in the first chapter instead of in the prologue. This might be a personal opinion thing, but I like it better when authors introduce the characters and their situation by showing it rather than telling it.
-I liked how you showed some stuff about their personal appearances with their names. Also, that helped me remember who was who.
-I think Hein's personality was described well :)
-When they're like flying and the people start yelling and they catch them... that's pretty out of nowhere. For a second I was like, wait what just happened!!?!
-The switch from Washi to Hein's perspective worked well!
-I think it's good how you show a little of Hein's more sensitive side by having her admit that Washi is her only friend

Hope you can use this feedback for future chapters!




KaiRyu says...


Oh, the prolouge gives their backround info, if I didn't add the powers part people would be confused to why people were chasing them for WHAT they are.



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Tue Feb 02, 2016 12:32 am
JumpyDot wrote a review...






1626632 says...


It was from Hein's veiwpoint because when she said My name is Hein and not Washi's. One way you can remember them is Fire and Air. Hein is Fire and Washi is Air.



1626632 says...


That's just Hein for ya!;)



KaiRyu says...


Wait, chapter two was still from Washi's veiwpoint, chapter 3 was from Hein's veiwpoint.




If it looks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck…you should not be so quick to jump to conclusions.
— Cecil Gershwin Palmer