Freedom Storm(Prologue-chapter one)

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well..this is pretty well done here, well, besides that prologue, honestly just getting rid of that is probably the smartest option here, it doesn't seem to serve too much of a purpose, and this first chapter is far too good to deserve a prologue like that.

Anyway let's get right to it,

It was during the nuclear war when it happened, this entire story. My name is Tatumaki, which means tornado in my language. Even though you'll probably find this out later, I'm not normal. In what way, well, that for me to know and you to find out.

It was a dark day for the world, when hope was captured. The bombs were raging all around me as I soared in the air, circling around and around like a bird of prey does right when they're about to make a kill. My two targets were right below me, a boy with deep black hair and a girl with hair a mixture of blue and black. I felt my brown speckled wings angle downward for me to get in a better position. I landed softly on the pine needles, the forest hiding my movements. As we moved deeper in to the pines, it became increasingly harder for me to stay quiet. The floor is completely covered in sticks that are just waiting to give me away.

We eventually moved into a clearing, where the targets just stood there for hours, doing nothing. I sighed, and almost immediately slapped my hand over my mouth to stifle it. Too late, I'm spotted by one of the targets, the male, and possibly the most dangerous one. In one swift movement, he took out his dissolver gun and pointed it at his next victim, moi. I gasped, mockingly, as the wide, purple beam went through my T-shirt and, eventually, my body. I erupted into a fit of laughter when I saw his confuzzeled face.

I smirked at him and said "You can't harm what's not there," as I felt myself starting to dissolve. But, before I could completely dissolve into the winds of the ragging storm around me, I heard the hollow thunk of a wind tranquilizer dart hitting my arm. I tried to rip it out, but my arms felt as if they were jelly. My legs collapsed underneath me, making it nearly impossible for me to escape. But, I had one more trick up my sleeves, my power. I tried to concentrate enough to create a gust of wind to carry me up, but it is pointless. My mind is already starting to go blank, starting to slip into the inky blackness.

Before I could receive the blessing of sleep , the girl leaned over me and uttered two words, "trust me." My eyes widened and before I was enveloped in the inky blackness, I thought a single word Taifu.

I never knew that my subconsciousness is such a good writer... Maybe I should take more tips from it!!!XD

I never knew that my subconsciousness is such a good writer... Maybe I should take more tips from it!!!XD

DISCLAIMER: I am an editor at a publishing company. My critique and notes come from what is expected in the publishing world. If you are offended by my constructive criticism, please remember that I am only trying to help you reach your goals as a writer. Thank you.

All notes and edits are in brackets.

Prologue
It was during the nuclear war when it happened, this entire story (sentence structure). My name is Tatumaki, which means tornado in my language (what is your language, tell me). Even though you'll probably find this out later (not needed), I'm not normal. In what way, well, that for me to know and you to find out (not needed, stronger without this final sentence).

How I would re-write the Prologue:
This entire story happens during the nuclear war. My name is Tatumaki, which means tornado in Korean/Chinese/Japanese/made up language. I am not normal.

Chapter one
It was a dark day () when hope was captured. The bombs were raging (word choice) all around me as I soared (through) the air(.) Circling around and around like a bird of prey does right when they're about to make a kill (Nice imagery, sentence structure could be better). My two targets were right below me, a boy with [deep black (ebony/pitch black)] hair and a girl with hair (with a) mixture of blue(s) and black(s). () My brown speckled wings angle downward (as I devised) a better position. I landed softly on the pine needles, the forest hiding my movements. As we (?) moved deeper in to the pines, it became increasingly harder for me to stay quiet (don’t tell me, show me). The floor (word choice) is completely covered in sticks that are just waiting to give me away (are you using present tense or past?).
We eventually moved into a clearing, where the targets (had been standing for) hours, doing nothing. I sighed () and almost immediately slapped my hand over my mouth to stifle it. Too late, I'm spotted by one of the targets, the male, and possibly the most dangerous one. In one swift movement, he took out his (revolver*) gun and pointed it at his next victim, [me (don’t use French unless it is an important part of the story)]. I gasped, mockingly, as the wide, purple beam went through my T-shirt and, eventually, my body. I erupted into a fit of laughter when I saw his (confused) face. (show don’t; tell: My body erupted with laughter as his brow wrinkled in confusion)
["You can't harm what's not there," I smirked (please see note 4)] as I felt myself starting to dissolve. () Before I could completely dissolve into the winds of the ragging storm around me, I heard the hollow [thunk (not a word)] of a wind tranquilizer dart hitting my arm. I tried to rip it out, but my arms felt (like) jelly. My legs collapsed underneath me, making it nearly impossible for me to escape. But, I had one more trick up my sleeves, my power. I tried to concentrate enough to create a gust of wind to carry me up, but it is pointless. My mind is (past or present tense?) already starting to go blank, starting to slip into the inky blackness (word choice).
Before I could receive the blessing of sleep, the girl leaned over me.
["Trust me." She uttered. (note 4)]. My eyes widened and before I was enveloped in the inky blackness (word choice shouldn’t be duplicated unless it is a specific place; in which case, it would be capitalized), I thought a single word Taifu. 

Notes:
1. I noticed you often tell the events in the story, but your audience is more interested in you showing actions and feelings. Example: “My body fell gently from the sky and became enveloped into a world of thick pine.”
2. You switch between past tense and present a lot, you need to choose one in order for the story to flow better. Example: “I was enveloped” and “that are just waiting to give me away”.
3. Only add words that are necessary, extra sentences and phrases will often confuse the reader and make the story harder to follow.
4. Dialogue MUST start on its own line unless it is a continuation of the previous sentence.

Overall: You convey an interesting concept and you leave your audience wanting more (what will happen etc.). You ended strong with your final sentence, “I thought a single word Taifu.”. Your reader is left wondering what it means, and how it will relate to the story. All my critical notes are above, if you have any questions, feel free to ask! I look forward to reading more.

Hello there. I'm Pen, and I'll review this piece. Hope to be helpful!!

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"It was during the nuclear war when it happened, this entire story. "-----> That's a very good opening for the first chapter. But I think if you will put the story down in past tense, then you should say " that entire story" instead of "this".

"In what way, well, that for me to know and you to find out."------> " In what way" should be a question, followed by the answer "That's for me....".

I think the prologue is very very short, giving me the feeling- as a reader- that it isn't necessary. It might be better to insert those pieces of information in the first chapter. They aren't too many ideas, so it wouldn't be too tiresome to put them in the first chapter.


" The bombs were raging all around me as I soared in the air, circling around and around like a bird of prey does right when they're about to make a kill. My two targets were right below me, a boy with deep black hair and a girl with hair a mixture of blue and black."------> I think we've just overused the word 'right' here. I know it's useful at some point, but try to replace it with something more descriptive. Or rather, just scratch it off. The sentence will even sound lighter on your tongue.

"I sighed, and almost immediately slapped my hand over my mouth to stifle it. Too late, I'm spotted by one of the targets, the male, and possibly the most dangerous one. In one swift movement, he took out his dissolver gun and pointed it at his next victim, moi. I gasped...."-----> This whole paragraph is very well-written. It made me picture the scene vividly. But hmm.... Maybe I should add something. Have you noticed that you start most phrases with the subject? I gasped, he took, I sighed. Try to start with the sigh and with the gasp sometimes, for a change. It gives different tones for the story.
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I liked it. It's smooth and you give lively pictures of the surroundings and reactions. I really, really liked it.
But there is one more thing that I just noticed now. Do you feel that there are a lot of movements and fights in the first chapter? If the novel will be about quarrels and fights, then that's perfectly fine, but don't forget to allow us feel the character and understand the personality later on, in the next chapters. Excessive movements might detach your reader, while they are in the most intense need to get to know who your character really is.

Wow. Aren't I talkative? Thanks for the good read! Keep up, keep up!!