I
I can't find any leg room on this plane
my feet keep getting stuck in the synapses
my knees feel stiff and unused
a skeleton of a man takes up too much room in his seat
by me, his skin looks metallic but I can't feel it.
"Mind moving your legs, sir?"
"If a stone will roll down a mountain
it will"
he said.
I asked again
he shrugged—
it was like a philosopher shrugging off the entirety of consciousness.
II
Every time I see a cloud passing through I think about how high up I am
and it's not high up at all
I tell this to him
he says
"10,571 feet
85,000,000,000 neurons
this is the highest we'll go
higher than the birds and everything."
My head isn't full enough
my legs feel fleshless against his.
They're pushing me further and further until I can see my reflection in the plane window
it's bleary and doesn't look like me
but I take solace in its existence.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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130,045 Literary Works • 671,511 Reviews
Hello Kafkaescence (nice name, by the way).
Something I found very interesting about this poem was the concept of neurology reflected in your surroundings; your surroundings a model of neurology, as in the macrocosm reflecting the microcosm.
I found this line slightly awkward. In my understanding of it, your foot, the pre-synapse, fits neatly under the next seat, the post-synapse. However, this doesn't really do much to further the sense which is gained later in the poem. (I feel.) I think that to create a more conclusive image throughout, it would be better either to apply this form of imagery throughout or leave it out here.
I really, really enjoyed this neuroscientific philosopher you had the pleasure of being squashed by. I think that you portray a fear of intellectual inferiority magnificently without detracting from the fact that this poem is about the things that he says.
Overall, deserving of the feature
Hey Chips here to review!
I found this to be a very interesting concept for a poem, it had some great descriptions and metaphors. I also liked how you incorporated science into it and yet kept didn't let it overtake the main story. I liked how the poem was set out also.
I do have some suggestions that may help improve your poem further.
"I can't find any leg room on this plane
my feet keep getting stuck in the synapses
my knees feel stiff and unused
a skeleton of a man takes up too much room in his seat
by me, his skin looks metallic but I can't feel it."
I liked the scientific referenced fitting smoothly here. But there's a lack of punctuation, the lines are confusing as the reader isn't clear whether you've began a new sentence, or this stanza is all one big sentence? I suggest you add periods, e.g. commas, semi-colons and full-stops to organize the poem more.
"Mind moving your legs, sir?"
"If a stone will roll down a mountain
it will"
he said.
I asked again
he shrugged—
it was like a philosopher shrugging off the entirety of consciousness."
This was a nice dialogue, though the speakers talking aren't clear. Your poems seems to alternate between having one narrative first person speech, to a dialogue which becomes distracting to follow.
"Every time I see a cloud passing through I think about how high up I am
and it's not high up at all
I tell this to him
he says
"10,571 feet
85,000,000,000 neurons
this is the highest we'll go
higher than the birds and everything."
This part had beautiful imagery and descriptions in it. But, who, "he" is isn't really highlighted and his importance nor the character speaking to him.
"My head isn't full enough
my legs feel fleshless against his.
They're pushing me further and further until I can see my reflection in the plane window
it's bleary and doesn't look like me
but I take solace in its existence."
This was a nice ending, according to my spell check, "fleshness" doesn't seem to be a word, perhaps having it hyphenated. There was also a slight awkwardness in sentence length and syllables so be careful with that.
Overall well done on this piece and continue to write!
Hope this helped
--Chips
Interesting piece of work . I seem to have caught an inner conflict from the narrator's POV. Although not very clear , but I still can manage to comprehend your point . I like it when science and literature find harmony, and I think with a little bit more work you will surely compose even better pieces . I also like the pace and tone of the poem .
Good job and keep writing ^^
Well I can see that the narrator is plane sick, but I don't know why? I'm sorry I just don't get the purpose of this poem. I feel like it makes more sense as a story than a poem. The closest I could get to a purpose was that the tall man, which I will from here on out be referring to as the Tin man, is supposed to be everything scientific and cold about the world. While the narrator is supposed to be the opposite. Only reason I thought this was because of when the Tin man said "10,571 feet 85,000,000,000 neurons this is the highest we'll go higher than the birds and everything." While the narrator "takes solace in the existence," of his, "reflection in the plane window." Don't get me wrong it was put together well, I just don't get it. This could just be me though. Anyways, keep writing! =^_^=
Kafa!
Real quick, I really like the tone, contemplative and uncertain and all that. The major idea coming across to me is this contrast of the narrator's physical body versus the mental state. The lines about not having enough legroom vs. stuck on the synapse, the fleshless legs vs. head isn't full enough. I love the concept :3 I want to explore all of this and really sink my teeth into it later tonight, so there'll be a decent follow-up review, promise!
- Auds
Hello.
it's difficult to garner the POV of this narrative and also, the purpose of the work. What exactly are you trying to say in this piece?
Now clearly, the theme of the work is science - based. And that's ok.
In a way, it reminds me of a more modern day Frankenstein.
Is this dialogue? The structure of it is very weird. And I'm not sure whether you'd class this work as poetry or prose, really. It's very confusing. What inspired this work?
I feel like you've written something off the top of your head and therefore meaning has been compromised. I'm sure it makes perfect sense to you, but to the external reader, I am a little more than confused.
Keep writing.